westid

all is good. there is nothing to worry about. everything is under control.

core temperature is high. but i’m naked enough to avoid getting really upset about it. doesn’t stop people trying to bring it to the fuckin boil though… but nirvana here i come; i see you’ve traveled some.

you would think it too hot to care. i can’t complain, but sometimes i still do. that’s the trap … as soon as everything is alright again they go back to their default who really didn’t wanna fuckin know now there’s other, more important people, so see you next time we got to go

it’s been a while since i properly had something to say to my faithful readers in this black and white sojourn from the day into the night. darkest light is all around me whatever way the clock goes, where it’s meant to stop nobody knows. sneaking up behind me on your tiptoes

i hear the thoughts that whisper in the hearts of all men. lately someone gave me the spirit of man and that’s meant to make me pick up on some of those frequencies like every other bloke… idiosyncratic of said spirit, this came in the form of squeegy bottle that you’re meant to squirt on and spread around. nothing could be mistaken as being feminine about any of this. still yet to rediscover any “secondary sex characteristics” no i haven’t been buying ya ba capsules from some thailand holistic therapy shop, this is the real deal. it’s weird… does this really make you more of a man? unfortunately there’s no one i can talk to about what’s been going on lately – i can only wish that there were

i’m allowed to have a doctor again, having lived the last few years in some shit for brained unaccountable purgatory that disgraced misanthropic doctors who work out of a trailer on co-op car park just kept me in while anyone else i have to deal with, in their naive good-faith expectation, infuriatingly pretended was general practice. now i’ve moved onto a new problem though … did my criteria that i slowly slid into desperate hope of somehow once again having: “a doctor. any doctor. a REAL doctor!” … mean that i’ve gone from one absolute fucking nightmare, only to immediately jump straight into bed with another? like my high school girlfriend who married the first person that wanted to have sex with her

objectively speaking though, whatever doctor i end up with, it doesn’t mean that there are any particular problems that would finally be solved just because i can now refer to my general practitioner by name. another factor why i’ve hardly spoken lately on here is because i’ve been in deep for so long that i can’t look up and see the surface

when i’m really asleep or absent minded and alone, i can see and hear / talk to people who aren’t really there. sometimes it’s people who have died even if they have been gone for a long time. one thing that happens a lot is when i have a fucking intense dream, i will bolt up in bed and they will just be sat there … on the end of my bed or in the seat across from me. sometimes they are smoking a cigarette for some reason. also when i’m going through any level of personal crisis, i will encounter evil / shit versions of people that i already know. they could be case workers or nurses or police officers, sometimes someone who exists, sometimes a complete fiction

i will accept what’s happening around me at times, simply because there’s no way to figure out if whateverthefuck is really going on or not. when i was just a kid it happened more often, people would catch me doing something on my own talking to myself. i’m cleverer than that now i like to think

there is a surreal energy about it. someone will have an appointment with me and i’m sat there totally fucking distraught, they have absolutely no idea that in my world we were up all night talking about everything … it’s like wishful thinking, i would really want to get deep with them for real but behold … it just wasn’t meant to be

all i would really talk about is my unhealthy fascination with crocs and the sexy ankles epidemic. it’s as though my imaginary relationship with people which is essentially meaningless, is more meaningful than what we never would have shared together at all in reality

catch me if u can 😉 (when the sky blackens like that for real)