westid

i’m feeling chatty wot u gonna do? got a new keyboard to go to war with. it’s only a keyboard but at least now i have the distinct likelihood that i know, that it’s probably better than yours. that is not what this message is going to be about, so feel envy on your own time i’m typin here

there’s this big self-applauding show off that happens when i’m brought out of my shell that likes all the characteristics of being a bloke. silly. surrealist [i grew up in the 90s]. probably does have feelings and, if you’re shy, will probably shit all over yours in the stoic pursuit of “a laugh”

that side of me gets tired quick. and there does actually come a point where i’ve said everything i wanted to say, and things will die down again. actually the closer i get to someone, the less i say. the less in fact i feel the need to say. i’ve been referred to as an anything head – which is almost true. what i think is that i must be an everything head, because it has never been exclusively things that end up in your blood stream. one thing i will mention probably in post after post is music

the last time i was part of a big group of people [even managed to make it into a group chat, that wasn’t dedicated to taking the piss out of me when i made a fool of myself being this intoxixated version of the above] if you think what i do now comes anywhere near how bad it was then, then you have seriously underestimated me. that’s what they all do, it’s alright

beneath all this MDMachismo, alcobravado; there’s someone else. another side to me, that i wish could have made an appearance first so at least some of it made sense. if you’ve made your mind up because i did something foolish, it’s just the worst of me trying to concede to some of the demands so i can still go home at night classed as a human being. but he’s too shy to take control so i take care of some of these polite requests in the worst possible way. whatever i set out to do may have been accomplished, but no one is going to want to dignify the ridiculum remotely interested in finding out a reason why

this is what he keeps asking me to make an effort about, or at least try. i have another thing that pisses people off but it’s tactfully chosen (i can do that if i really need to) so it’s not as well known but believe me – especially round where i live – it’s known. i can’t really say anything to new people about it because what if they don’t like me or want to give me the satisfaction of admitting it / or there are people there who aren’t on the same level as that, so defensively it becomes a loud case of angrily denying it, and probably feeling disrespect

whether it’s right or not, i can see pain. yeah other people make loud noises or pull their faces, just like i can. some people are better at it, and are able to intellectually compartmentalise which level they are on for each individual person. that can be frustrating time consuming and soul destroying. but i give everyone a chance. even if i don’t deserve to get one. so when we’re done loudly and publically establishing ourselves to everyone except one another, i go quiet, they go quiet

the more someone opens up to me, the more forthcoming i am about it. it’s like … pain. different kinds of pain different reasons but all of it feels like pain. i want to climb over this barrier because the part of me that gives a shit wants to say. why are you in pain? i don’t care if you don’t want to tell me. you matter to me. i was trying to protect you. nobody cares what i think anyway, so i will use that. nosey cunt keeps making digs at you when you’re not around. if i’m in one of my moods or i’m just getting it ten times harder at some point – i will just go for the throat. what’s happening? my head’s falling off. everything has started to get on top of me. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do

give me all your pain i will take it in. i’m not gonna let you put up with that cos of this prick. i’ve probably fucked up now already because i’m gettin sly digs about it. fuck it i’ll crash and burn. if i give someone one more day of that unbroken confidence. right i know what to do. for a fraction of a second it was something i could get used to

i told myself last year that this is everythin i’ve got. real talk used to be crippled by doubt, hurting just to see the pain in your eyes knowing i could have been this certain about any of it, suffocates me because i had the fire in here and when it come down to it, would have burned the fucking world and left you standing on top of it all but now it could never, would not

if it’s not there this time then i’m not looking any more. that side of me, i’ve felt it become something more than i even am – and pain, well let’s just say i don’t give up and well i never did everything that i could possibly have tried. if i come it telling myself that i would i know i lied, and knowing that about myself … just destroys everything i stand for. i don’t know how long – because i never know when to hold on or let go, what i sometimes talk too much for. it’s not in my nature to just forget, so as long as i can see that pain it’s like i ache too … and i’m tired and i’m sore but i have to keep getting back up because now either i’m going to die trying, or i just haven’t finished yet

try explaining that to some cunt in those crucial first seven seconds. try making things end up like that and watch it really fuck with don’t know how i even sleep or on what night

so what if i’ve come to terms with who i am and what i want … maybe, need? to be. i will fall from the sky deep behind enemy lines right up to where the pain is; can’t save everyone? my most dedicated fans will have probably told some of you that one. it lights up in my head all over the place as soon as i even think that. can i not? watch me. i would actually rather die than give up trying …. what kind of a life would it be if you let yourself do that

always been fond of my worst enemies. quietly, hasn’t realised yet. here it comes arch nemesis. wow so impressed kind of blank about how i should be taking this. looking back, had some powerful encounters with my enemies. but when you see the pain in one another, and you’re not afraid to feel it – even if you don’t want to let a single one of people like me witness 1 moment of it – yeah, that’s a moment you get to feel what i think is the opposite of pain all of a sudden. and someone who has secretly admired and respected you since the very beginning …. no chance was you going to get behind that cold …

well what is the opposite of pain? ask your enemies. don’t forget to breathe. stand clear. hold fast. look right in front of you. and all of a sudden you feel free, empowered. then comes that rush when you realise this particular war is over … you’re in the presence of one of the most powerful allies you have ever known

if i had to be an [your text here] … “head” then this would definitely be it. oh and in case no one knows this yet, the secret is music. let me control the music, it’s the only way i ever really speak – and i can’t do this without listening to everything you have to say. the less i influence with my own presence – believe it or not – the more real i feel like it is