westid

i have these episodes where i start yelling and get up / do things in my sleep. some incredible people in the world are still out there wondering what they did to deserve that, and to be completely honest the answer is always nothing to do with them

some othertwat makes themselves an intolerable part of being with people i like because they like them too and sooner or later so comes the underhand spiteful shit they do that solves nothing but tries so painfully-to-watch hard to make me feel like “this person is mine, fuck off”

but the world we lived in evolved into some kind of dickheadocracy where if you let yourself actually feel the pointless shit then they’ve accomplished what they set out to do – and you can’t tell me that it’s as simple as that. because come on grow up for fuck sake of course it’s not

i don’t resent or pity the people that do this, it’s just an uncomfortable part of socialising-come-sociopathy. and i’m talking … best mate is loved up and they’re so happy and because they are a fuckin great person that love is in everything that they do – try telling them what the proper people who care about them were warning you about the other night – oh that woman you’ve devoted yourself to that makes you happy like a pig in shit is gonna betray you, and everything that you went through when you turned on me because you were coming undone after what happened last time … is going to happen to you again

even though you know that it’s probably important as fuck, nobody’s gonna notice how imminent that it is until it’s too late to say or do anythin

couldn’t even say she’s kickin me under the table and tellin me how getting rid of me by bein an absolute two face fuckin weapon is coming along, while she works out how to turn you against me and have you all to herself … but only until she mugs you off when someone better comes through leaving that heart you handed over torn in two

there always comes a time when i just have to stop for a moment and realise that i don’t pack the gear to survive whatever – and it always does – some people are just better at anti-socialising than i am, and i definitely know better than to call it out because that’s just the kind of thing i regret doing immediately. it’s like … i know that i have a point and someone is being out of order, but every single time i speak up about it my whole life whoever is doin it knows exactly what to say to make it sound like they have this birthright to make me feel like shit on purpose and mugging me off like a cunt is just part of something they believe in that’s so righteous i’m the one who is out of order for even bringing it up

then i don’t so it gets worse with the desperate efforts to make me notice

the world’s full of them. the chronological progression of my life is measured from one losing all of my friends outcome to the next. i have run the statistics and as time goes on for longer, the probability of something like that happening basically increases exponentially as time goes on

when someone is playing that zero sum game, it just makes me switch off and find somewhere i can go to where it’s not happening. but when i’m trying to get away from it somehow i can never figure out how to get the people i really care about to come with me. maybe dick waddington was right, they just don’t wanna

i can see the same people who find an excuse to start treating me like a cunt eventually … telling people i miss like fuck all the time, how they are better friends than me because i couldn’t bring myself to tell someone they have to fuckin choose, because i know that there were times when they were being told all sorts of shit but instead they decided to take me as i am and chose me

i take a moment to say fuck you to everyone who tried and failed to stop such sweetness and all those good thing from happening… you can’t take it away from me, because it happened. and by the time it comes to trying to take that away from me … you could only do that by traveling back in time and changing the past … so i guess the only way you can do that is to try and convince everyone i didn’t fucking light someone up, even though they know i did, and we fucking enjoyed it. so there.

why am i taking you on a little walk through the echoes of the best times i ever had? because it’s about to happen again for what i think will be the last time it can possibly be able to happen

instead though … that feeling that makes me think “for fuck sake here we go again” … it’s not there this time. if i were to put all these people side by side with one another, they would be stood over there and i’d still be standing over here. and i begin to doubt that even all those people put together haven’t got the creativity original enough to convince me that i’m going to keep feeling this way for the rest of time. what’s it gonna be next time? it’s already starting to dawn on you that i’ve got nothing to lose

and nothing to prove either. you can try if you want … has anyone managed to prove anything they’re saying yet? hmmmm … nope. ah well it’s the thought that counts …

so this is my last link with the world that surrounds me. my beloved readership. silently through you i feel dignified. but i don’t write for writing’s sake

i can’t write for the sake of writing …. even if it is something i think you will want to read. something hot. as soon as that registers in my head, everything i type in just becomes this fake, shit, stilted version of itself and has no place in my true thoughts

now it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, because none of it reaches me. i am gradually dismantling the boundaries that i have always used to compartmentalise the people in my life, which in the past i would put there so i could hang onto someone i really cared about for as long as possible until some dick head finds a way to fuck things up. yeah yeah … everythin they come out with is right, and if it upsets me well i’m wrong, i’m never angry enough to keep up being a prick to someone who is two faced so when i get knifehandled again it feels disappointing, because i let my guard down and just feel more like being nice to someone so i walk right into their shit every single time

so does everyone else now, i imagine.

if you’re not on social media you basically don’t exist though, i think. or rather, i thought so while i still went on it. can imagine that’s still what social media people think like … even though i didn’t fuckin understand it at all. i think that’s the point when you’re neurotically scrolling through something every time you don’t know where to put your face. i don’t miss that compulsionn at all

i miss instagram to be fair but i didn’t understand the mentality of people and following their stories 20 posts a day it just looks really exhausting, and carefully avoids all the shit things and drama you would really wanna read about

how the fuck do these people keep in constant contact with one another? send me a blue tick and i’m fuckin done.

but as long as i live on – right here – i’m in your thoughts, so i’ve always got you with me.