westid

in the humble hometown that spitefully weaponises happiness, it couldn’t rise up more blue. have just had the most bangin burger i’ve had for quite some time. still swallowing it down with the shite i’m not going to hear the last of

i always get it that extra bit more because of who i am / gives people a smug rite of passage because they don’t give a fuck or whatever. has no one heard of television? or viagra? i can’t figure it out when there’s lots of shagging and having a good time to be involved, y’know if our roles were reversed – it doesn’t make me any more or less miserable than i already am – why would anyone come down on me? what’s so different about it now? is it ever gonna stop…

it doesn’t make a difference what i’m gonna do. fuck all about it is my fault, and i haven’t done anything to anyone. if you’re pretending that i am … in what universe? and there’s clearly nothing i could do differently to show respect to [who it is] – so if there’s some secret password somewhere that makes some determined protagonist move on and leave me alone, i haven’t managed to find out what it is or what i’m meant to be learning as some lesson here

you’re here reading my thoughts … they aren’t coming up on anyone’s “feed” and you have to wander pretty far from what people normally do on their device / computer – perhaps to gauge my reaction to the shite that is probably hilarious but really just one cunt’s trick after another. you’re goading and attacking someone who isn’t fighting back. it’s not giving you anything, except maybe a cheap thrill that shagging or television would give you in abundance

i thought now everyone’s made an example of me then there was nothing left to prove until the next time that happens. there are no prizes to be won. there is an obvious power dynamic that i’m not going to miraculously overcome, and i don’t want to scrap with people over … ????? …. whatever it is that’s lately come over anyone don’t know why it’s so entertaining just spiteful ways to fuck with me

if it were about looking good then clearly it’s not working, because you would be shagging by now with whoever you look good to … as they delve into how this darling daredevil doing pitiful deeds in the dark does things with his dick instead of dicking around with some knob who doesn’t do anything back. the television must be broken, episodes of infidelity island or some freeview music channel would work wonders with probably [my money’s on cocaine] some sort of stimulant on a solid surface situated before the settee

wouldn’t work though if it were a woman who was so pre-occupied with me. you know, in the back ground. wondering why the fuck she wants to go on about me so much when it weren’t what she was meant to be wasting sexy time on with the weapon group chat wow whoop de doo look at him what a wanker … 😉 wouldn’t be wanking watching my woman _{[position not occupied]} wander around wondering how i’ve done and if i’m still worth her while with it lately

i’m not really that much of a wanker really, in fact i’d be alright if i were under the thumb a bit; doesn’t look like i was made for it but …. well, my regular readers really get to see that other side to me going off what i’ve written for them but i’m rarely able to explore that in real life. every person in my life who has made me want to be a better man was a woman. one of the best feelings ever is when i can feel myself being better than what i am because i was with someone who mattered that much to me i forgot my own limitations and stopped leaning on them

there’s not a lot to be masculine about when you’re single, i guess. but i’m not given to casual relationships. yeah everyone loves shagging but i’ve been into computers since i had just learned to walk, so i know better than most people … some things there aren’t any apps for, and shouldn’t have to be

i can’t even rant about my problems without thinking about love. i’m not filled with anger or out for revenge. tbh i can’t stay angry for long enough to keep shit up. but like i said why would you want to? me for fuck sake, of all people. what is it about me that is such a beacon for hatred everywhere i go. i’m not a liar or a cheat. if i were still a druggy there would be so many classic signs and symptoms [apart from my recent episode of sleep disorder where i made it outside the gaff and couldn’t get back in] / people hanging around / drop offs / anything at all …. but i really don’t bother with that shit any more i can’t afford it and i’m never going to rip people off i don’t need to do that to get the things that i want

so really? is it over yet or have i got a fuckin free for all to look forward to? i’ve done fuck all to deserve this. you wouldn’t have a fuckin hope trying to put one of my fires out. with all the ways that i don’t make life easier for myself, trust me if it’s misery you want me to feel stop damaging my shit and sit back and enjoy the show. please

for fuck sake, please? all i can do is send this out to all of you. please for fuck sake can i just be forgotten about. everyone’s happy today why can’t you just stay on that vibe because i’m not bothering anyone if i was going to retaliate you would have known about it by now. if i’m causing anyone grief then just come and talk to me… the only thing i can’t rule out, am i doing something and not realising / understanding? i can do that sometimes and people drop hints that i miss – in the past there’s been things that have escalated for a while before i start to notice. i’m not bothered about beef unless you’re talking a nice filet mignon. i don’t want to be enemies with anyone, what’s the point in doing juvenile things to my place and my property?

if there were someone i could talk to, and i had the means to get in touch with them, and ask them look what is it about me? i’d rather do right by someone than go through this shit. why does no one just talk to me? i love talking to people who don’t like me … they always seem to come out with things that make so much sense to me / notice things about me that i perhaps did not consider before

i’m not made for this cold sociopathic bullying regime shit. if i was then i wouldn’t be on here trying to reach someone with reason instead of reckless violent / destructive / passive aggressive. i mean it helps if i even know what it’s about, because it’s probably fuck all but i can’t say anything when there’s nothing being talked about here. get my number come to my gaff but please the shit has to stop because you’re just doing me in when i’m on the deck and i’m not getting back up

i wish the things i worried about were worth waking up in the morning for. but i’m just getting picked on by someone who is clearly using me to represent something in their life that they can’t control because it gives them the catharsis to emulate the feeling of overcoming their own inadequacy about something in more immediate relationships around them

that’s what i’ve learned of people who have previously bullied me in my life. they were always like getting beat the fuck out of when they got home from school / breaking up with their bird / bringing down or being the next link in the chain because a bigger bully is bullying them. sometimes i have upset people in my life because i was being bullied and you have no idea how easily it can happen to you … so there isn’t anything to be ashamed of, no one needs to know about it if you are doing things to try and abuse and upset me, i won’t be a prick because someone bothered to come and talk to me about it

i wish i could be a prick about it. i want to be a prick, do something a bit more cunty than what was done to me again. but you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel if you think that it’s genuinely going to make any difference because someone bigger and better is getting the best of you. i can’t afford to be inviting people to fuck me about, and i don’t want to. whatever you’re wanting out of me i don’t think i’ll prove to be enough of a target to overcompensate for something with

without knowing who or why or what i’m up against, there’s nothing i can do to take this further than the fucking rise you’ve managed to get out of me already. just be real with yourself now and remember i gave you enough of an opportunity to be civilised about this. maybe you find it fun to cause someone none of you know, frustration no one will ever know about. but further than that i can’t find anything at all that fulfilling

so until anything about that changes, my recommendation would be diplomacy, all i can do is default. it’s not personal, just the default reason with the default reason ID. if you’re doing it to make me out some kind of druggy as was the case the other week, you’re going to be so disappointed because even the doctor doesn’t indulge me with any. the eyes of the town are watching this so i know what kind of willy head will want to see me dig an hole for myself but like i just said i’m not the one who is doing the digging

whatever you’re doing now, i’m not fighting back. there would be no point. there is no point, is there? see things that you can improve with your own relationships – people who have done things just to feel like they are still have power over someone, to me in the past, have come to me before and really opened up about their problems and i have even helped some of them overcome some kind of adversity in their lives

just be mindful, anonymous hatred person, that mercy isn’t a sign of weakness. and even if you can’t get past that, no one need know any more than you or i. whatever i might have done that has upset you i am not an unreasonable man who cannot be reached … evidently … just saying this, for all the good it’s going to do, so then at least i tried everything i could before being default about it

anyway, weird i didn’t know how i was going to take this one

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take to heart. keep in mind. services rendered. payment in kind. so many rolls that they give me come up snake eyes, it’s like an instinct now – i will get home at night and already know how the rest of it is going to be. i don’t think free will factors into it either, because it’s like an acceptance. and sometimes i’ve tried – really hard, like i really want it – then something else will happen to keep me in line. i haven’t found the formula for the deus ex machina yet.

they put me on my own straight away. never told me why, but i did think it was the right idea. there’s what i actually am, and then there’s like this shit version of me in the form of case files and referentia. people saying and doing basically whatever they wan

i’m not allowed to look at my own records (everyone is allowed to look at their own records it’s called a subject access request) because the people who see me every so often think that i would be able to accept what has been put down about me

i do make things worse for myself. but i’ve been in the presence of pure good and pure evil and they feel both the same. and it is the same – when something massive happens right in front of you, it never hits you straight away. it’s never intrinsic that something massive has to be a bad thing. things aren’t good or bad; that’s only something a sentient mind can introduce

even now, nothing is going to change because of me. but the things that i do, they end up in all sorts of ways

i’m not going to be here for very long, and in many ways i never were. it’s pretty clear to me now that i was not meant to deal with people any more than one at a time. but having that unique connection that stands on its own with each person – exhausting an impossible to maintain. i don’t blame people for how complicated that i might have made things

there’s loads of ways that i’ve deus ex machina’d things that are happening in someone else’s life that i have somehow found a way to deal with in a different way no such way would ever be categorised as “normal” whatever that is

no one has the patience for anything other than normal anymore. i realised that already trust me.

i wish i had been the way i am now the whole time so that i wouldn’t know any better. i’ve seen a different side to people entirely, and to be honest i miss the fuck out of it. no one lied or baited me to do the switch, it was just a life otherwise not lived

some of the most crucial mad moments in my life it crashes my brain. i just stand there totally blank, so west i just have to keep watching and it removes me from the situation completely. sometimes whoever it’s happening with pulls me back in and it carries on, but sometimes they realise that – usually in an unusual state of mind – they are just as weird as me and i think that’s what fucks some of these people up because i’ve crashed a few people too

i’ll take it to my grave, because it was worth it so few people who have actually reached that level with me – and i can see it in their faces – oh god i’m like [my real name] and it’s like looking the mirror. excitement fascination horror adrenaline anticipation fear shock

what’s worse? knowing that you’re going to die 100%, or looking at old people thinking not even old yet and it’s already fucked. no matter who you are there’s always a ticking time bomb but i think i dread to find out what happens when time’s up – even though it’s not a tangible thing in any logical / rational scientific basis

think it’s all gonna be something amazing where the world is gonna detonate and you’re gonna meet your maker in one last blaze of glory – harbinger of it the way you lived your life. i think when time runs out you forget the last vestiges of that completely

i’ve started to think time never does run out. it never did in adolescence. there was no ascention of being / extra lobe added to your brain at 16 18 20 21 30 – you’re just as irresponsible and desperate now as you always were

raise a [cup of tea] to the people who have seen it for themselves and know how fucked up it is. there’s nothing in particular that i do it’s like i evoke ridicule that doesn’t happen to other people all around me. nobody wants to be close to that i guess

everyone’s the same in the head right? ./..