westid

out there and in probably the most completely different places possible from one another, there are eleven people who each for the most unknowable / impossible to have been predicted in any way by any one. if i were vulgar enough to disclose you their names, it would ruin the subtlety and make explicit the one thing that they have in common – even though there is nothing actually common ever about the people they are

i bungle through the door like the trained dwarf who usually operates my legs on the evening shift called in sick last minute leaving the lad who does arms doing a two man job until nights turn up

even though it could actually have made a difference for all i know, there is nothing of posture placed into my demeanour when i surmise the diverse range of outward signs currently happening would only betray instantly any attempt to try and hide whatever i might think there’s fuck all chance i’m playing any of it all cool

she’s not looking at me of course but that expression of focus fires lightning bolts of moonbeams from her dark eyes in every direction. if i ever did go blind from looking directly at her light, then that formidable gaze which feels so fierce would have to so unquestionably be the last thing that i may ever see. yeah … i have seen a woman before. well, i thought i had.

all of a sudden even though in that moment i regret absolutely nothing, something other than her being there in front of me decided to pick its moment with omnipotent power and precision. the devastating tsunami of dopamine caused by the strong stimulating effect of the drugs i could feel fluttering in my belly leaped onto her before i even had the chance to realise what was happening

she was taller than me, and her big shiny boots owned anywhere she was ever gonna stand. this ghost like grasp of submissive bitch-like feelings locked on to me and took such a hold. oh my god, she was glowing

i realised that this moment was easier to feel happening, since i had already decided not to delude myself into thinking fuck all about me stood any chance of looking “normal.” it was a good feeling, to accept her presence so that we could talk about things with one another – it’s not so often someone i found interesting and intelligent, funny, charming, kind; really has the time or desire to actually engage me / talk back for very long if at all

even though i was gushing like a schoolgirl who kept a secret book full of ephemera and love poetry, dedicated to an immature state of infatuation – almost doubling over with the butterflies, fluttering with surge after surge of amphetamine electricity – only her enchanting and interesting presence as a person could make me capable of holding a coherent sentence, let alone keep myself from feeling the need to express what such intrigue just by being there with me she commanded

meanwhile outside of my moronically mad magically malfunctioning microcosm of maximum magnitude mentality mind … through the kind, understanding and intellectually engaging version of her powerfully hypnotically intense gaze i could see the simultaneously superior signs of sentience going on – for a moment she shellshocked me once more, watching with eyes that cast such a spell of pure unadulterated womanly magic … kind of wandered away somewhere. to a place, the delectable darkness of the night sky in her eyes; would never ever let a man like me possibly catch the light enough to see

i would glance at her hands and look at the binding ring she wore sometimes, but even in an unstoppably charged state like this i never resented its being there

let me try and help you imagine: when you’re lifted off the ground and launched through the trapdoor into the soul shattering oubliette of loneliness as often as me – noticing the reassuring signs in the people you admire and respect, that they are never going to know – i.e. what it’s like not to remember how it felt the last time you knew the presence of a person in love with you … will never be annihilated by the experience of losing that one last link; not one more left between you and the moonlight and all the stars; imprisoned by distance their true love could never put between them. so far away, they would never even know it if they were standing all the way round to the furthest point on the other side of the planet to one another

of course i will daydream about how hard and so completely i would give myself to them forever and ever until there is nothing left of me that doesn’t belong to her. all of a sudden the dopamine makes her skin glow so perfect i crave her and let myself feel completely obsessed with her but only for a few seconds because that’s the price you have to pay. if you’re too weak to honour someone who feels like that – that feeling is so strong on its own you don’t need the demanding urge amphetamine gives you to be overwhelmed by that if someone is important enough – and you don’t deny yourself, putting your respect for them first … it will not take long to discover that price you have to pay is nowhere near as expensive as never seeing them again because your lack of self control doesn’t show them any respect … and you’re deluded if you think that you deserve to be around someone, don’t care about them at all like you might try and tell people you do, if you can’t even appreciate their satisfaction with the way that they’ve fulfilled their chosen destiny … by showing them respect

a brief moment of obsession can never hurt anyone. but beware … greed will imprison us all.

when you work alone, in a similar way to me? being happy for someone you find yourself attracted to, who is perfectly content without your involvement, is a healthy reminder that you have no idea when where or how you’re going to fall in love. of course that helps if it’s happened to you already… when you’re very young and can’t figure out if you feel it or just really want to have sex, that’s when you need to have things like faith. i might be very wise for the things that i’ve learned the hard way through making plenty of mistakes, but nobody can tell you when it’s right to make a leap of faith

when someone starts to make me want what’s important to them – i’ve spent all the time, more than enough to work on the things that i want to accomplish for myself – besides, some people look incredibly sexy when they’ve got a really intense expression and you just made them feel like they reign supreme… sometimes if you find the right person, they have some interesting plans and they might even include you, and you start to accomplish things you never even knew that you really wanted for yourself

behind the scenes, i’ve got some things that need doing and there’s nothing horny or special about how important those things are. but i know just how hard i would work, when i get completely lost in someone’s wandering gaze of darkness, or they somehow made me forget what i was doing completely … just because they started glowing. or just like that i realise that – even though there’s nobody here – they are still glowing.

i used to tell someone if they had a proper intense expression in their eyes, or if their big boots were really shiny, or that they were actually glowing

my monginess might have been showing, but nobody will never end up knowing they were glowing, or where this magnificent moment took place, where i’ve been, who i’ve seen, or where i’m going