westid

if god does exist, which in my opinion is impossible to either prove or disprove, then i’m not scared. but that’s because i’ve already encountered omnipotent forces in this world; the power to give life, and the power to take it away

you can mistake those things as being matter of fact. gift of life is not yours nor mine to give … you can create something that has had a life of its own from the first stirrings of the embryo, but you can’t turn a puppet into a real boy … you can end someone’s life by killing them, but the fact that they would have continued to live doesn’t suddenly belong to you, and even if by some fallacy it did; you can’t use this additional life, it doesn’t extend yours, we have already established that you can’t give a life to someone, you can’t imbue something that has no life to make it into something … erm… lifelike

all of a sudden two things are indisputable: omnipotence is not as simple anymore, you can encounter someone omnipotent outside the discussion of whether there’s a “god” and how the subject can go into an unlimited number of tangent ideas such that the tangent itself – or denomination, if you prefer – can become a religion in its own right so long as you have enough people behind it

but you’re fucked when they notice that you’re standing in front of it

DOCUMENTARY – Unreported World: Nirvana for Sale [23 min]

i first encountered this documentary when it was playing on the television in my cell while i was in prison. i was delirious because i had just got there, and fully going through multiple categories of withdrawal all at the same time. maybe to learn of this place in the way that i did was some kind of diabolical penance that i was being punished with for all the horrible things i’ve never done to anyone else in my entire life. ironically, while not outwardly religious in any way, i do believe in things like penance and that some things which i have witnessed happening, do have the capacity to be ominous whether an immediate significance is apparent at the same time or not. for me, there are omens

anyway moving on, it took me a long time to strafe through the memories of things that weren’t actually happening, so that i could find the documentary from it … if indeed it was real and i hadn’t conjured up the temple of 1 million buddhas in the massive partial-seizure slash hallucination slash dissociatively dystopian nightmare from my frivolous fantasies but when i did find it, had the power within me to enjoy it for the first time … a second time. truly was a new feeling

sometimes, when my imagination is flowing deep; i would imagine they let me give all of the ideas that i get, and put them into motion in a subtle yet perpetual experience that welcomes you and inspires you… to give yourself and feel truly a part of something that’s growing all around you

i don’t want to spoil the whole documentary, but at times i think about the more exclusive place that the cameras aren’t allowed into – that you have to meet vague criteria likely relating to wealth and affluence, to be admitted inside – and i wonder what makes someone important in a temple like this? and once they’re inside, what do the recorded messages say to those people that makes them want to give even harder than everyone else. people who are included in the ranks of this elite, identify one another by having nirvana printed in gold on the immigration stamps section of their passport …

one thing that grips me the most is the fact that nobody gets anything themselves for the [anything] that they give. it’s a hushed topic that people don’t feel safe discussing out in public. and here’s the best bit: people allegedly become addicted to giving … there is an actual excitement, weird feeling, which becomes a permanent connection when you indulge the weird feeling for that crucial first time

this idea … got the better of me once. while being affected by very strong stimulants, i impulsively gave away a large amount of money to someone for no reason. the only thing i found difficult to accept is, i know who i wanted to give that cash to and it was very typical and obvious why i chose that person… so what do they do to make all these people want to give to a religious organisation … possibly the most tedious version of what that experience felt like, that is possible to conceptualise. but then again that’s just me

wes-QED: and another tangent of detailed speculation is born on my website, immortalised now and forever more !

i can’t really say much about it because if you tell people what you wished for then it might never come true. but when you have considered what you have learned here, watched the documentary, and remember seeing a tiny tertiary tangent that introduced but never developed into any detail about omens … i think you are about ready to hear my remarkable fact; never know if it has any relevance being in the same paragraph as the brief comment that is often said of wishes, to a wish that i have not specified, which may or may not have been made, at any moment in time…

and my fact is this … i have encountered the power to give life. not in myself, but observed in someone else. because it was happening to me the experience was a bit overwhelming … but just when expectations were indifferent during the day, i felt a couple of things that – got to be honest here, with my remarkable fact finding – haven’t occurred to me for as long as i can remember; hope, and then ambition. _{have a deep tune while you take in what it must be like to find yourself long since bereft of those critical feelings}

the thing is, once upon a time i didn’t even know those feelings were a thing, just a basic fact of being alive and vitality. wanting more, taking risks, not afraid to crack on and explore… i didn’t notice when that disappeared, not until for that brief moment they came back. as soon as they did, that’s when i knew that i needed to get this back as soon as possible. for a glimpse this energy [for want of a less cliché word] give me the ability to be a presence everywhere and anywhere. everything started mapping itself out all around me, and i could jump inside of it to a particular place, or just see everything because suddenly i was everywhere

i’m not a “god” … when i was a kid they tested me and everything though, and said that i was a genius so the school got more funding just to teach me and i got to pick what lessons i wanted to do and basically i was allowed to skive lessons with a teacher … as if the headteacher just told me that they will actually go and look for another lesson i’d rather be in, choose a teacher to sit with while they did their marking or something and i fucked about on the computer…

although i don’t live by their rules anymore, the feelings that would relish all kinds of challenge, that would give me the spirit to fight for what i believed in until it was all over one way or another… they are compromised. they have another world that most of you will never even get the chance to see. one day when i was oblivious, the reality that i lived in opened up and before i knew what i was looking at, these hands gripped me and pulled me inside. i woke up after that in the room that i had been sitting in … everything looked the same but it wasn’t at all

if you’re a devout atheist or something you’re going to like this next bit even less! the things that started happening after i was pulled into another reality, kept on happening. that’s when i began to believe in witches and magick spells because out of everything that was the closest to being realistic that i could describe my situation. but they never took away my passion, or how i was a natural born leader who could spark up a following anywhere i went and everyone who came with me went together

have another deep tune if you have decent headphones or a system. while i continue

anyway i have lived in that strange existence with alter egos all around me for pretty much all of my life. but lately i have sensed an awakening… it didn’t make any sounds and there’s nothing about it that you can actually see with your eyes, only sense this presence of mind. which is why i use broad reaching terms like “sense” something normally i loathe

if you’re ever in a state of mind where you are afraid to hope, because you know the absolute impact that happens when it’s extinguished … don’t succumb to doubt. i’m exploring all these new feelings and haven’t got a clue why such basic aspects of my personality feel so new as though i’ve never felt them happening before… anything’s possible

my life is so close i can almost taste it. all i have to do is just reach out and take it. it never stopped me before, but why isn’t that in my nature anymore? my current working theory is that i can’t take life, which itself leaves only one conclusion that’s not possible either … i have encountered the power to give life. so i’ve not invested myself in the prospect of a future for a while. as you can probably tell with the tunes, i’m in deep

new perception of life then? a new remarkable fact to add with all the other breathtakingly crap aspects of this hidden reality you will never see that i’ve discovered, by and large the worst way possible. someone is this close to giving me back my life and i have two options from here (a) i can save myself a full metal jacket world of shit, deny how good it feels to aspire to something … and basically succumb to doubt (b) i can look forward to how i’m going to love my fucking birthright from the first moment it is given back to me … and just remember that it’s alright, you can climb onto something but there’s nowhere to crash land if everything suddenly disappears into dust

a dilemma that should be alien to me. do i refuse to leave my oubliette? or return from the darkness that people just assume no one ever comes back from, and feel all these things that come naturally to me until everyone knows it and i’m never going to disappear on you ever again?

the good thing about darkness is you never ever forget the people who stood back to back with you, and make it the last time you ever feel like you’re surrounded ever again