westid

apart from these really nice adidas sneaks i saw last week, the only thing that’s worth looking at: i’ve been looking forward to this mean machine, and trying to find a way to come up with an original routine. i’m somewhere in between the last outgoing and the first incoming, so i’m proper keen. as soon as the next transaction happens, then it’s a status change; cometh the dopamine

i’ve got this entire video editing workstation, and when they were building it i knew exactly what i wanted / turned everything right up to maximum – got all the software, my two most ridiculous subscriptions have even announced a new collaborative work set to be rolled out in the new versions of the development environments that i get. haven’t come up with any serious content yet

the last vestige of my social media footprint since the big de-socialisement [i closed all my social media accounts] is a youtube channel. so far it’s got nothing but default content. doesn’t convey what it meant, do justice to the time that i spent, stand out the same way like my storyline always went, effectively arrive where it’s been sent, attract any views unless by accident

most people that slag me off don’t appreciate that i can get my head down for a few months during which time i go without. never got myself into debt for any of it, don’t have to start sorting out a graft the moment i wake up, did the responsible things that most of the other people either felt unable to do / just tell you whatever lies about it they make up whenever they talk to you. if they’re not trying to convince themselves, guess who?

i have one of those cameras-on-a-stick [with broken stick, from pretending to be a mad ninja] that can even go diving underwater and still not found the right format to create something that’s as big as the fucking unusual life that i live, it just doesn’t do it justice. the capability is there, it just misses everything interesting that happens no matter what i do to be ready for it all the time. this is my sunday somniloquy – not all of it is going to meter and rhyme

some of my online friends who are reading this will know my skilfully delivered sweet sensation: delayed gratification. i’m not just talking about how i sold out for the nice trainers and sexy ankles epidemic, and stayed that way all week… i mean that i’ve gone so long with my head down that some of my bills have been paid off and it’s gonna start burning an hole again just like it used to. lots of people talk about this success when they imagine what is possible as they make the promises, but not everyone makes the commitment too. i said nothing and just got on with it, didn’t get my hopes up, never prematurely pat myself on the back about the unfinished regime i still needed to give myself to / even still it’s been such a long time since my personal brand of self discipline has paid something real into my ambitions, and given itself to my confidence and self esteem

i write more often than i roll camera, because i know what i’m doing in text – for those of you who try to understand, and have the sentience to read from one thing to the next – but i still haven’t written very much on here lately. for that i am truly sorry

can’t say i haven’t had a lot on my mind, because when something’s going on in there i start writing loads of different things because i’m suddenly inspired, but it doesn’t go anywhere. sometimes i wonder what the point is in sharing something deep with a bunch of people, the vast majority of which probably wouldn’t care. so there’s a lot of things, some of them not even titled, where my inspiration has started to fly when it grows wings- but all of it was cancelled and not published

there’s something that this blog and my channel illuminate the most … my side of the story. for it is indeed my story, it can’t be told by anyone other than me. it has something inalienable about it though – something which cannot be taken away by anyone else – the truth. so let’s make this nice and sparkling clear…

i never thought about telling my story before. even though i’ve created things it’s usually been for a laugh, or had some mysterious message that – even if someone did understand what i was trying to say – they would never take seriously

now i don’t really know how to go about it. i can’t speak at all because when i talk [to people from other parts of the world than east lancashire] i just sound like the village idiot and as we have established in past posts it’s impossible to be northern and have a vocabulary. plus i’m autistic which just means that there are a whole bunch of extra impediments that are built in, it takes what i want to express or convey, screws it up, and throws me into the bin

as a character i’ve always been shy. in a “world of my own” and i don’t know why. i’m very imaginative and this would result in creative masterpieces on a daily basis, but what i bring to the table in talent, i completely lack in delivery. it’s hard to capture my own spontaneous nature, and even harder when you remove all aspects of spontaneity by [taping / editing / rendering / publishing] it then coming up with a [title / captions / description] then [adding hashtags / making the description and details likely to appear in someone’s search criteria]

not only spontaneity, but shyness itself – gets absolutely buried by all of this. and even still it’s somehow going to completely miss the point / beauty you were trying to convey, doesn’t tell anyone who happens to by some miracle click on it, what you were actually trying to say

nobody understands the meaning behind my current [default raw / ambient format] content … there’s always something on my mind, or happening ominously but on film, or someone i am thinking of that i can’t talk about to them or to anyone else. but i’m going to keep trying anyway