westid

1000 yazis

no half measures

distracting movement, shape / form, motion, gripping sensationalist, unexpected context shifting engagement, unseen narrative with quadruple entendres impossible to articulate, missing moment – unspoken but nothing can be accomplished by speaking – had i not been taken by surprise …

there was one time in my life where it wasn’t just assertive, it was inevitable. it never took 52 minutes for me to notice, either. i was always on my own, but i don’t remember ever reaching out for it as much as i have. in all my denial i’ve tried to come it like they can probably fix me now. but i’m already fixed, and in some elaborate deluded sort of way just making worse for myself

it’s like i’m gas lighting myself. someone stopped just to tap her nails on the wall, and it turns into some weird psychological trigger that keeps happening. the way someone stands so deliberately and knows all the right steps, not something i would usually even have picked up on. body language has always existed but now it’s different somehow and … it would sound so twisted if i even mentioned that distracting movement someone is doing that i maintained, not something that i would notice in the first place, find my thoughts linger, that i “resisted” … it’s just a co-incidence, oblivious subconscious movement behaviour. stop ruminating, ruminate some more

you, my dear readers, don’t have a fuckin scooby doo. but i need it. that’s what nobody seems to get, and it makes me feel sick just thinking about things i tried not to notice. but deep down i’m complicit in all of it, it’s like a really dark and sinister power dynamic that gets in between morality and higher reasoning. it makes me fool myself and get inside people’s heads while i unwittingly seek to enable them

because i’m very strange sort of person to the vast majority of people, there’s no point in putting on an act and there is no “normal” version of me – someone knowing that they are free to let things show in front of me, in full knowledge of the fact that there’s nothing i can do about it / nobody else will ever know … they aren’t used to having that kind of control it gives them. it can even make them relinquish their control of themselves

it sneaks up on me, especially since i’m so oblivious and naive; the way i talk sometimes it’s like i was born yesterday. but once it finds a way in, something just changes and it’s always really tactile and psychological. sometimes they don’t know it’s happening and i have the chance to get the fuck out of there before it really happens … but something inside me just has other plans

i have spent all yesterday and almost all of today thinking about it. memories are so clear it’s almost as though i can relive them. think i’m gonna let myself go under and keep the gas light burning my all night… whatever comes to mind, everything will be alright