westid

good people don’t wanna look my way and i know why so there’s no point trying to save what could possibly be left of any shrapnel of ego that could never have even been left

in short: last week it went too far and there’s no need to call out or try and shame because there’s no way anyone who don’t wanna know me now can’t look at themselves. it’s just one of those things, if it was getting a bit much and you didn’t want this to go on any longer you know that; if it was about time we stuck it to this fuckin murdering junky scumbag, if that’s what helps you sleep at night. whatever kind of way you are as a person is simply the way you feel about what happened, i can’t will everyone to have a conscience because i want to maybe ditch the junkie act i gave up 7 years ago [anniversary] and maybe have friends for a bit while that’s still good for anythin

i have a problem where i get up and do things in my sleep. this has happened regularly since adolescence and – while it is very difficult for me to sit and look at – there is nothing else going on besides looking like a complete mong why would anyone set out to look like this

no one believes me until they witness it for themselves. the yelling wasn’t popular in prison put it that way, obviously this is getting twisted so here’s my side of this

last week i found myself in this [very vulnerable, actually] state and at the same time i was locked out of my house. i did not know what was happening, i was not on drugs, i did not want to steal / break into things. eventually other people started to notice this, and after a period of taking / filming me on various mobile devices – paramedics arrived don’t know who called them but they were given the incorrect impression that i was holding a knife. spoiler alert, i was not carrying a knife

the ambulance men couldn’t really do anything anyway. it is not advisable to wake someone up when this is happening to them – if someone you know or care for who goes through somnambulism of any kind, it’s very frightening and confusing and there is a high chance that even though you might be unmistakable, they will not recognise you

they set me off walking back to my place and waited round the corner, i still couldn’t get in so i kept coming back. if they shut me in the gate then maybe i won’t come back from the door i’m not having any joy trying to get into. the front door is entertained for a litle bit. then i’m shut in the yard while a group of people growing in number stand on the wall and continue to photograph and film me on their mobile devices

the next thing i remember is since i am having no luck getting back in my place, i think might as well sit this one out in the car. this gave the paramedics who were just chilling with everyone else some impression i wanted to drive my way out of the problem. i just wanted to go to bed i was filled with this overwhelming desire to climb into bed. odd i know since i was asleep

then i am dragged out of my own car, by someone who grabs onto my hair and slashes my forearm. there was no reasoning – someone was booting me and dragging me by pulling my hair. sleep walking isn’t really given a second thought when it comes up in a conversation. but booting someone while you cut them and drag around while pulling the hair, in hindsight i feel was a bit of a cunts trick. he told me to hand over my car key, and then the understanding was if i get on the floor and stay where i am there will be no further hair pulling / unreasonable shouting of instructions. at the time i didn’t clock just how many people were accumulating around me. i’m not going to make a big deal out of this i’m just gonna say that alright i understand why my neighbours and other concerned people were being told that i was a smack head, and a murderer. but paedophile i took that one personally because people have their kids round near mine and it’s not their fault they are hearing this shit, what’s the point in making ordinary people not feel safe when they are nothing but. even if you hate me deep down, it’s not their fault you hate me

i will be real though and say … i looked up at good people, who i know are so fucking above that sort of shit. to hear them say such things made me feel like i had failed them, and i regret the disappointment that i felt. there’s no point getting personal about it … everyone was saying shit, all these people. there was no use for standing out by defending me in any way. i just know they are better and i know they know me better

so last week i was fucking humiliated. and all the people who don’t wanna know when i say reight to them … i’ve let them down too, perhaps. the last time i was in this vulnerable state in public, i made a new friend and then my phone my television and all of my disability money for 4 weeks from the cash machine at the petrol station across the road was taken from me. that was different tho i’m only human, what can i say? hi came to mind 🙂 i was jailed for 3 months, and when word of that got out the absolute fuck out of my home was annihilated

i was dragged and put on the floor by a man and then i had to give up the key to my car. then a double vanilla scoop [3 man domestic call out] turned up – then facts started to get established … no knife, no drugs, not intoxicated, got slashed my forearm while everyone literally looked down on me as a junkie, disappointment to good people who i hoped knew my better; when i was finally searched, the paramedics who had just been stood watching with everyone else this whole time checked me over. all i remember was the unusual presentation because i was asleep but my pupils were too responsive; if anyone with an education who saw all this shit was curious and has an academic or enthusiastic interest in medicine – please feel free to contact me privately and i will share the observations i have previously not had the opportunity to look into this myself – obviously i’ve been very intrigued about this my whole life. until last week i had never seen myself in this situation … it weren’t pretty to look at, i couldn’t watch because of the obvious public disgrace and humiliation, of the example that was made from me

when they got me in the ambulance, i finally had an opportunity to .. . i dunno what else i could call it, sleep. it was quiet and i think it might have gone on for a while. next news, hair pulling guy opens the door and pops in to say “wakey wakey” then the policewoman standing next to the guy comes in with “it looks like they’ve dumped a load of rubbish into your car”

so while i was in an ambulance after they finally confirmed i wasn’t holding a knife – you don’t need a description everyone turned up. it’s my birthday today not a dickie bird – if what was done / photographed / filmed / called a smackhead, murderer wasn’t enough … they told all my neighbours i was trying to break into things and that i was a paedophile under some sort of “citizens arrest,” they used the key that was taken off me during my public PR disaster from every single cunt in town – to take a load of shit out of a nearby skip and fucked up alll the inside of my car full of stinking fruitflies, piss, a mattress. keyed the fuck out of it

so what is everyone getting from this? just having cameras [because i was fucking ROBBED fuck you] doesn’t make me a rat. locked out of my house and trying to go in my car instead is fuck all like breaking into anything. saying things that make me hurt because my heart was broken doesn’t mean that you’re not better than that. sticking up for me in any way was covered, because reality was postponed until the police [abruptly dispersed anyone before they had the chance to see for themselves] made sure there was no knife i was accused of having

what have i gained from this? i thank fuck that at least i wasn’t intact with my surroundings. there’s an i told you so [if you look at my previous posts, you will see numerous occasions where i foretold this and said it was only a matter of time until that first person puts their hands on me and it goes from taking the piss to violence. the real-deal, the moral of the story is something i already learned the hard way several times already. i will now impart this pearl of wisdom unto you ….

you find out what a man is truly made of, when you see how he handles the helpless

people who can’t look at me today, and other days. i don’t take it personally. all i can say is i didn’t attack anyone, i weren’t on drugs, they made sure i didn’t have any drugs when they finally did get me home believe me, attacking me in front of two paramedics and a domestic call out was foolish and the real reason why anything comes on top because of this; everyone knows the role they played, i hope i have give some of them the confidence and respect to see that deep down i know they are better than this, i hope i have give some of them the sight to see they know me better than that. my bills are paid, my family are solid, i’m still moving on up, no one needs to feel anything but $ safe $. except me, but now the truth has been laid out there’s nothing left to doubt that’s definitely still happenin

sorry to all the people who i was unable to save from awkwardness