westid

confused? good. i like confusion, because it’s the first domino that falls towards breaking prejudice. you can probably name a million different types of prejudice that it is possible to have, but there’s no point even coming up with names for it all because that tries to twist it like one+ of them is somehow a good thing. this is how from an unacceptably young age certain kinds of prejudice are learned – and they cannot be unlearned. sometimes i came home from a perfectly normal day at primary school, but after that it didn’t take long until a new word i’d learned got the bar of soap in my mouth … my dad would proper get it round all my teeth and everythin it was horrible. but i’m glad he jumped on that early on

if you’re just trying to get through life not botherin anyone, you might pick up on your mates or your familly getting an hard time from someone who for some prejudice that is allowed to proliferate – will come and bother you. i remember sayin once there’s no special memorial ribbon pin that you can wear for lung cancer; no one dresses up in pink all week for it. the word marijuana was created by anslinger in early 1936 because the paper industry needed to get rid of the obvious and superior competition that were at the time being manufactured from hemp. cannabis / hemp was as most people find it now … normal and smoked by people. marijuana was the term used by the press and vocal lobby for the paper industry – so that it would start to become associated with black people and mexican immigrants. then a prejudice that didn’t seem to take off, started to take root when it was tactfully eased into the already present prejudice. this is not a vulgar statement for shock value … posters were printed as part of the industry’s campaign “smoking marijuana makes women seek sex with negroes, jazz entertainers, and many others” – that sort of statement wouldn’t get very far in any news or advertisement publication nowadays. and reefer madness is watched by now as a parody

but even though the prejudice against cannabis in general becomes so ridiculous and pathetic that one at a time the government of more and more countries feels how humiliating that one prejudice is, they are legalising and regulating cannabis, people to this day still use the marijuana, a tombstone nomenclature bearing the glorious death of another hatrred agaisnt people that has fuck all to do with who they are

i wouldn’t say that i am the victim of any kind of prejudice. strong opinions and vicious rumours maybe. you have no idea what it feels like when an angry mob is starting to form all around you. i have stayed up reduced to questioning the [it will shock you] alarmingly high number of things about people that i took at its word. how many of these i had propagated to others without thinking about it. not only was i starting to feel the full force of how horrible / insidious is when it starts to happen to you … it has left me puking up as more and more people who i just thought were a bit desperate – were just doggy paddling the tidal wave that just one drip of venom can transform you from another drop in the ocean to the drowning man – pulling anyone who would reach out to you overboard. people who this kind of aggro serves them, charismatic – always been reight – inside your self confidence like vines … all it takes is one mad do / misunderstanding, and all of a sudden it’s all over you and tangled up so bad it changes the way everyone sees everything that you do, until they are just better off havin nowt to do with you

all last weekend and all week, i’ve been convinced that everyone in this general area were turned against me by this person who had the power to make me see things that weren’tthere. it’s not the same as poisonous aggro, but it could only take 1 or 2 people to take a dislike to me and because i can’t keep up with those people it starts to officially everyone hates you and they can see your fear. not saying i know it’s true or not, but i think there are some of them who have caught me when i weren’t expecting it or iused to be able to tell but now there’s something diffferent about it. like [i have a fear of mannequins and dolls] i could have sworn that there was an actual life-sized mannequin doll looking back at me. there’s nothing i can do to keep some of these things from happening around me, most of the time i know that i’m talking to someone who is not really there, but they also have a personality around them where gradually i just thought it was useless to try and fool people because they already know … and yes sometimes when my mate who has been dead for several years meets me in the back yard and starts making me laugh like he always did, you know it can be a force for good. it is possible to fight back

sometimes yeah i get a real blast from the past, and not just some of the people … the very atmosphere, becomes sinister very fast. sometimes they don’t talk to me at all. they will just stand there and look evil as fuck. be proud now lad because i’ve booked you in for a big fall. they’re not always dead, or fictional, or one of the weird different versions of [westid’s real name] that i sort of hallucinate / actually become at the same time but don’t understand what in particular is different about them, seem to cast weird projections on real people that make me weird in certain ways – i have impulsely give people thousands of pounds, deliberately let one or two people genuinely make me become addicted to certain drugs [i don’t blame anyone but myself, no one “made” me … i just brought out in them that they wanted to do it] there are plenty of other examples that my internet readers who request customs / friends i stil talk to from craig’s list days – will have rolled their eyes at as soon as i mentioned “prejudice.” because they know only too well / if not from years of me writing stories about things they want to read and think about – where i’m going to touch a little nerve that will give a little shock to some prejudices that are a bit latent / overcompensating

i thought i might have come across a prick to someone and one conversation for five minutes – exploded with how wrong i had got everything for so long. all it were were i heard people chillin when i came out for a fag and didn’t want them to think me coming out was meant to be any sort of cunty statement or that i had a problem with anyone chillin anywhere. i clocked that yeah it does appear i am sometimes a bit screamin for it, and right where i have full on not bothered to hide anything + they all know who i am and – probably a bit more now. it’s weird i feel like everyone knows everything about me and it’s impossible for me to even figure out who they are / i am even when things are normal very susceptible to the owd key-in-back trick and do fall for a solid wind-up. oh my god sometimes i start to vocalise my thoughts / when i’ve lost a lot of sleep [usually 4 or 5 days] i start carrying on bits of conversation with people who aren’t [even pretending to be] there. sometimes – there are situations where someone takes over my thoughts. tricks me into thinking i’ve fallen asleep which enables so much other shit i don’t know fucking anything any more

i’m shy as fuck and just found out how fuck all i really know. even though i like to get some good versions of paranoia i usually enjoy that with some methods of preventing that kind of session from reaching other people; i have no idea what i’ve done, if i’ve done anything, whether the public humiliation was really going on or if i just turning up for it. i know a lot of people hit my site now, and i have deliberately brought people here in a number of phases – so this is the only place i know will reach anyone who might have thought i was being a dick last night. i have not been able to sleep for several days, and someone has literally spent all night throwing marbles at my kitchen window all the way through until about half 5 AM … i will be too west about it to come to you, and i’m not trying to aim it like you should come to me for any reason – but i wanna talk because it already sounds like some hilariously mad shit has gone down … and people just accept me better when they’ve talked to what i’m properly like, the bit i can take seriously; and i’ve always been able to talk to people who aren’t there – that’s been known pretty much since the beginning for me. some people just need to see that i’m not a dominant, / quarrelsome / overbearing sort of character – just so they realise that i don’t like things like violence or controlling people with fear. you can come to me, with anything and trust me if i can be an easier person to live near or get along with i will be – and i grew up over shoot which for me is the birthplace of chiling with drinks in the yard. my first jobseeker’s allowance claim … fuckin hell i think i must have hit easy 10 back gardens [cos they have gardens up there] at least every night of the year

and if the dead guy says anything about me – yes i’m highly educated with computers and intelligent robotic systems – but whatever he is saying, evidently something to do with cameras. i used to smoke crack cocaine, i’ve been robbed, thrown in jail when it was me who got robbed, then same guy when he found out i weren’t here smashed the absolute fuck out of my place – i was living in boarded up broken glass still couldn’t get rid of it all. so when i got sick of being destitute all the time and sometimes one person would knock on the door just to make me answer it while someone who i didn’t want to open the door for would be waiting – talk about a foot in the fuckin door. i regularly lost control of my own place – someone who said they wanted to score robbed a guy right outside my place and then pretended to be me on the phone. bacup was climbing through my bedroom with a meat cleaver, looking to collect

so yeah, when i fought an eviction order to remove me so having a roof over my head survived the third jailing, i needed to sort some fuckin shit out. first order of business was my things getting smashed up and taken. i’m not a rat, i don’t grass people up you ask the next cunt who tells you that 1 person i’ve ever grassed up. people who are reight with me i will look out for them, but that’s because they’re reight with me and because this is where we live. if you think it’s as simple as i knock one out – before you even get to sayin it would be fuckin OWT that happens on my cameras – then you know fuck all about me and you slag me off outside my house while i’m driving past behind you in the street. me and the deaf guy don’t like each other – if you think i’m being tight because he is disabled, then anything you think i’m a cunt for is tight chapter 1 hypocrite. i won’t tell you why i don’t like him, so you can find out yourself / through other people who aren’t biased because they don’t like him

i don’t want to talk about him because who gives a fuck what i think really. i’ve heard about people who have been studied by empirical observation both underground and alone – for very long periods of time. if you don’t like me but (a) you’re taking an interest in what i write on this site (b) you can’t remember having a conversation with me – then i’d like for you to come and get to know me, or tell me about how you already do know me and what that came from. didn’t know anyone was there / thought whoever was chillin was in a completely different place altogether. you could really help me out because i don’t really get to chill anymore, and i do miss it. were better having a fuckin job ! that was the sort of thing where chillin good times and the real deal always used to come from

i will give you a tenner if you can tell me how many CCTV cameras there are on the front facing side of every building on the A680 from winfields down to the bottom end of manchester road. i don’t expect anyone to bother talking to me. i do live here, and i talked to someone today and instantly things were completely different than what i thought

i don’t think everyone round the car park was turned against me; but when you don’t know something and have to keep guessing, i just put my head down and try and stay out of the way

someone has been throwing things at my kitchen window every night for several days and i can’t sleep. i’m sorry if you think i’ve come across as ignorant, and i weren’t trying to be a dick head when i come out for a cigarette. it’s just a good place to put my brew down and lean on / look at the sky

sounded like people who were chillin went quiet and i felt bad like they did on my account. i’m not that sort of aggro neighbour it’s startin to take shape albeit subtle i can see. none of it convinces me. it’s not even that though, is it? it’s worse

whoever is making those weird things and whatever you’re doing i’m falling for more and more of your confusing but really impressive work. how am i supposed to take it? i haven’t got a side for you to pick. it’s easier to just deny me and keep throwing things at my window and stifle the shit out of every time i’ve sat there staring at my door for hours because i can’t bring myself to go through it. it just makes me think what’s it going to be next time. i’ve done nothing to any of you. maybe i shouldn’t have gone out or tried to explain myself / make sure that the people around me – were alright

i want to come in but i can’t get out. i don’t give a fuck if you feel bad for pervy mcwankface and think it’s my fault because i’m naturally blessed to look like a woman from behind. fine have it your way … keep throwing shit at my kitchen window. so you know just what you fuckin are.there’s no point in getting upset about it is there. because there’s nothing i can do to stop it, and i still feel like shit because you’re choking me with my own conscience. you know what’s happening to me don’t you … i come and break myself apart because i know this is wrong but it doesn’t matter what i think. this has been such a long time. you’re not coming for me are you? would it make a difference if i asked you not to.

i can’t take myself seriously haha. why would i want to.

what awaste of time ahd to control you. so much sentient being it’s taken down. how could you underestimate your fuckedt ok,l impressive co-ordinator. didn’t tell them did u. didn’t tell me anything and left that on so it kept happening over and over again.;