i wish i could show you, because it’s beautiful. but all you can see is me, so let’s try and listen for once – we could do it together: (song link) (encore)
some mind reader you are.
i function better when i can feel the sky falling down with ultraviolet fire balls that tear through your soul, than i do when i’m doing something “normal”
stop flapping. think normal. speak normal. no one else is expected to <verb> <something> normal! but ask my family, they sure do now how to expect it of me. but even the most orderly of shirts can never explain what normal <anything> truly is. there are no dimensions. no prescribed criteria. no operating instructions. no international / british standards specifications. no prevailing demographic. no constructive criticism. no protection from vulnerability. no duty of care. no emergency assembly point. no second chances. ….. no first ones. no golden test sample. no kanban station. no delivery lead times. no 95% confidence interval. no key performance indicators. no personal protection equipment. no safeguarding restrictions. no right of appeal. no governmental regulatory body. no not for profit campaign organisations. no permission to have someone accompany you. no verification process. no right to legal representation. no natural justice. no poetic justice, either. no way out. nowhere to run. nowhere to hide. no first. no last. no only. no this. no that. neither here nor there. no salvation. no virtue anywhere. there were no preliminaries. standing there with the smell of dead insects and cheap perfume. i went and did it just the same.
while i admit there are so many times someone special to me [in any way] has been going through something that on a good day only feels like your number’s up and your whole fucking world is about to come to an end. such times you cannot begin to imagine how much what they’re going through will wrench the very soul from your body. and all you can do is stand there and watch helplessly. but it is at these times when, let’s say every now and then, you watch them truly break down – losing their fucking mind. if i can carry someone back to the real world with me i will, but sometimes when i do it’s not without exposing yourself to the raw feelings that they’re going through – even though you can come completely through it, this can also cost another little piece of your heart that’s non redeemable or refundable, you go back into the stone cold light of day on the primary social plane
but no matter what happens … that little piece of you that you both lost, at the same time becomes something more than you, or your precious possessions, or even your whole poxy time spent on this planet. a bond that is neither them nor you, but both you and them together. when you truly need one another, this saviour within yourselves wakes up and goes out to save the world again. and that is both what losing your mind, and finding your peace with yourself, and finding your place in the world; all at the same time, feels like
many tunes have gone down both inside and outside of my headset tonight, but as my final note i would like to leave you with a link to the one dedication i managed to fire off 🙂
i will leave you now with the rest of primetime (even though it’s monday night. the school disco must have been going on or something) and in the loving grasp of the wonderful dawn chorus
….. sinabit. (*)
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