westid

there were a lot of evenings, a lot of patience. confusion? fantasies of giving my life to save everyone. plot twists? wanting the people i have loved to know just how much, and then discovering that i’m actually the bad guy, when it’s too late. fear? not as prolific as the opinions that float around. ambition? nothing you would put on your CV

when i want someone, or i need them, i can’t. i would love to get in touch with someone again and see how they are, but it’s just been too long. to reach out only because i want something? nah, i can’t do that. if i’ve ever done that to any of you people, i know i didn’t mean to come across that way; it matters to me, and i’m sorry

i dream about some of you. they’re nice dreams, a bunch of us from the past, sometimes even people from the present. but i’m sorry to cancel your christmas, it’s not so easy for me to be present, or present myself. what hurts the worst is that sometimes people think that it’s their fault. i respect someone so much that i can’t tell them that [whoever] is not right, is going to hurt you, or has betrayed you already. it feels more like this: we have been, not just friends, i mean we’ve been solid fucking boys for as long as i can remember. but you’re happy. if someone i care about is happy, or has no reason not to be; i don’t want to force them to choose them or me. some people have chosen me over someone else, but that’s only ever arisen from [their] being capable of having their own thoughts, making up their own minds, and rather than stand in their way – i’ve just had faith that maybe one day their happiness would prove me wrong, and maybe – just maybe – i will be glad that i didn’t stand in the way, or try and inflict myself

there’s something else, i suppose. sometimes when i meet someone i don’t listen to whatever their reputation precedes. i always remember when someone isn’t driven by what was said about them in the paper, or screenshotted on … a screen. it’s always been risky business, choosing to make up one’s own mind. i’m not gonna lie, some of the people have warned me out of genuine respect and confided in me not just to bitch or drag me into some sort of drama, but because they cared enough to not want me to get hurt. and i went ahead anyway and i really did get hurt. there can be no greater wisdom imparted than that of having learned things the hard way

i’ve lost some good people, who told me so, who cared about me so much that [whatever] isn’t something that they could stand to be around any more. but i’m so grateful for [them], because i just knew – and always will know – that once upon a time when [we] found one another; and after we have been talking for a bit, they have already been given that speech which makes 99% of the new people i meet stick around to take the piss out of me with their friends for a bit, or simply [but always eventually] walk away. but unlike all those other people, this 1% standing before me, wanted to be around me anyway

you can all think whatever you want. as i’ve said before, everyone has their own theo-ry, but albeit very few, a few of them nonetheless knew that there was a greater presence underneath that surface, or at least trusted me and opened up to me with the same kind of depth that i see in them. i don’t know why i hold myself back, so much. but from where i’m standing, all that is kind of irrelevant now. no one takes the time to find out for themselves. i think i know the main reason why, and i’ve spent a lot on making up the contrivances that push people away in the first place. i’m working on it, and it might result in one or two people giving a shit. if i’m really lucky, maybe in that handful at best, one might stick around enough to properly understand. just the chance for that to happen, will be worth all the pain that i’ve been told there is to go through. but it would only be physical pain for a while. the other kind of pain lasts far too long. out of repect i’ve walked away, for one reason or another. even if they can still see me coming, there’s always hope. that one factor that can be hard to come by even at the best of times

it’s important to manage my expectations. i don’t like announcing things that i’m planning to do, because in a lot of cases it doesn’t happen, and i have this abject aversion to making promises i’m not sure i will be able to keep. i have an abject aversion to a lot of things. gobbing off about someone because i think they’re going to ruin my friend’s life. making someone that matters to me go through the torture of watching me doing things to myself that i know will hurt their feelings just to be around me. having sex with someone when there is someone else i think they are [still] in love with. speaking up my feelings when i think that – against some sort of odds – someone is happy with the way things are, rather than respecting their choices unconditionally, and walking away because it’s most likely my problem and not theirs. trying to sort things out before i let time take me completely out of existence, in some sort of way

yeah, i will do things that people who have always been solid with me fundamentally disagree with. even if i know that someone i respect is arbitrary / prejudiced in their sense of moral governance, or the way that they interpret the world, and what people like me who do – i will still respect them enough to let them remember me the way we were then, than disappoint them for whatever reason that has come around since we last spoke or saw each other

no one sees it as respect. sometimes it’s maybe even shame, however unashamed i always know that i am, because i was gone for so long that “hello” becomes the most difficult thing in the world. if someone from days gone by were to say that to me tonight, or tomorrow, whatever – i wouldn’t expect them to, because i don’t deserve it – that would probably be one of the best things. and whatever it takes, maybe i would think it more worthwhile to say my feelings for them have not changed; so whether or not there is reciprocity, at least they would know that, and that they were not the reason i disappeared

i did disappear. there’s all sorts of speculation now, about why people get “ghosted” or whatever it’s called this month. but i never used anyone, in fact quite the opposite. it would take a lot for me to even reach a stage where i take advantage. and the people of whom i have chosen not to take such an advantage, they know this, even though to this day they could not let me into their life again / or they might have wanted me to in some way, even if to feel in some way that they always will mean something to me

sometimes i’ve said and done some stupid things, i know. but the most stupid thing i probably ever did was to take myself out of the picture, because it means that much – even after so many years – that, in some way, someone who stopped what they were doing in their life for a while, and decided they wanted to be in that 1%. if i could mass message them all one thing right now, i would probably say i miss them all, they were good mates / more than mates, their existence made a crucial impact on my life, and even though they comprise 1 in a hundred of people, to me – in my heart at least – that’s where they will always be

that platitude people band about perhaps too often for my taste, that if you love someone you have to let them go … don’t. don’t listen to that shit. if you love someone, in whatever way, for whatever reason, fucking tell them right now. don’t behave such that you trust they must already know how much you mean to them. spell it out for them, shout it from the roof tops, let them know exactly how dearly you hold them. and for fuck sake, hold them. hold on to them and don’t let go. because you never know one way or the other, that whenever you are with someone who matters to you, when this could be your very last chance

for a while now, i’ve experienced first hand the guild ridden people who left certain things with certain people for too long. that’s not a dig at anyone who might have decided that i was the one factor that overwhelmed them with this guilt when it had become too late. i know just how that feels, and believe me i will get mine too

but what can you do? i’m not going to sit here and think “they know where i am” and put it all on them. i fucked up, and for whatever reason i didn’t know how to deal with that. in a lot of cases i still don’t, but in others i could have figured it out without taking ages to consider just how much [someone] matters to me

however, lo- from every approachable angle, it would just be too little too late

but just in case you didn’t think it never mattered to me, au contrere. and tonight i raise a glass … for the 1% – may we always live the legacy we made, even if only in my dreams