westid

i’ll never forget that night. the electricity was gone, i had nowhere to run back to, i was already back. it was saturday so she was gone. gone to visit her family. they were not interested in meeting me. i would not know yet that they had any particular aversion to it. we had spent all weekend just to get ourselves acquainted with one another. she knew soooo much. could teach me a thing or two

i got to catch up with J and maybe the last couple of days was too much for her theo. it took three of them to hold me down, but there was no adrenaline. there would have been if no one held me back. but she sapped the energy from me and then she was gone. 9 out of 10 times, you can go somewhere in hope to meet someone that you just need to see – and for some boring shit reason or another, the one person you wanna see ain’t gonna be there

it wasn’t like i could do anything. anything other than slide away in the darkness. and whether it was fate, fortune, or just my brilliant sense of timing – i cried myself to sleep. i didn’t want it to end, but someone was taking the piss and i needed to get them the fuck out of my house. not the first mate-turned-toxic female presence. breaking the things in my home, sending people in there just to interrupt my spending time with someone i really cared about but couldn’t understand why – like her past conquests in a bid to make me bitter, or jealous, or just lose interest

obviously nothing was going to stop me. the moment we had met was completely by chance. she had no findable presence anywhere. she vanished into the sickly sweet summer mist, and then she was gone

i lay down in the dark and – as the fiendy gimme-more effect of the crack cocaine was finally letting me go – began to fade away into nothing. usually i would be sad that all the money was gone, which can happen quite quickly in the spur of such and such a moment. just as the water had settled into still serenity again, i heard her knock on the door… and from somewhere deep down inside my brain, serotonin exploded everywhere. i couldn’t believe it. i still can’t. i went to the door and saw her silhouette standing there on the other side of it. obviously i was really made up that she had come here; even after she had to hold me down when that bitch wouldn’t get out of my house, i didn’t want this moment to end

who turns up at the perfect moment like that? not one i had met before the inferno. not one i have ever met since. it didn’t matter how much money there was, it didn’t matter who was about for 3 of each. it didn’t matter that there was no one else here, and that was us. she took hold of my mind, that was always miles away, and she brought me right there in the room with her. once i get that presence of mind, i think the unspoken message i was giving out was something about how good it was to see her; finally alone together after three days of my enthusiastic honesty – i didn’t last a moment. we made love in the dark and lived in that moment forever. i was the only one. she was the only one. we didn’t need anyone else. maybe, but i definitely couldn’t think of anyone else i needed, in that particular moment, and so it was that the moment never did end

when we both came around and woke up, shrouded secrecy and all that, she decided it was time that we went over to her place. someone as beautiful as she was, i weren’t myself surprised that she didn’t want anyone to know where she lived. but she had her reservations too. clearly a couple of people had come into her orbit before we met. but had we never met like that, i would never known she existed. but this begs the question now – would life have been worth living [at the time] when i lost her? would life have been mutually as shit as if i had never met her? so much hypothesis, so little means to determine in this world. especially so now. albeit a solid surplus of people who think they know the answer to that – their opinions don’t reach me and never did

according to plenty a given knob head, the shit thing about that was her departure from this place. at the time i would have been inclined to agree. but the real shit thing, the shittest thing here is – now i know that exists, it could easily pass for pointless with protracted pondering on the subject of living without it

there is still magic in this life. there is still love, there are still beautiful people. i used to be one. wanted to be a better one. everyone has made their mind up about me, and in terms of trust – only recently has the very last person i could trust fallen off from that shallow pedestal. and for fuckin what? money.

of course there are still people willing to splinter themselves away from that prejudicial bloc. they sneak away and come to me and say hey. only one thing had made me feel better about it all, and they know who they are, when she told me “she was looking for love” – and with that all the doubt in my mind of whether or not it was real or just feeding a certain appetite completely vanished. it was real and not only that, i know for a fact that she found love here

you’re not going to find love here very easily. all that’s because of what had come since. all the people who were around me once upon have been and gone. but if you give me the chance to bring anybody back into the present, well from time to time now, i can certainly think of one

i’ve transititioned myself to looking for love, from the broke crack mountain of seeing it everywhere i look. but then i took things for granted, now i could be so much for some one – i spent the rest of my time ever since keeping the promises i made to a dead one whose soul i hope is the cause of the echoes in my dream from time to time

everyone thinks that they know that whole story. but i can assure you no one knows this story. the foreboding of a real adventure is that there is no guarantee of an happy ending, or even simply an ending. some things were never meant to end

whatever i do and whoever i fall in love with, they don’t have to live up to what i had. but if i think for a moment that it could be real, i will pursue. right over the edge and falling down towards the waves crashing against the rocks headfirst, just for the chance. not for the chance of the same, but someone who can be there in that crucial moment, makes all else about the travesty of life fall away