the beach, haven’t been for a while. i could hear the water coming ashore, as though the planet itself was breathing. i remember thinking i could just stay suspended in this moment forever and reckon that there’s no point in creationism and the gift of free will if we were all given a beautiful moment that stretches on for eternity
your personal eternity, perhaps that would have been hell to someone else – but then a big tractor drives past and the water washing up on the beach turns back into moving traffic. i opened my eyes mere piss holes in whatever the world became while i was gone.
i had been moving through time for just over a week; the childish notion that some days are just a non-starter. well, if ‘everything happens for a reason’ then there must have been a point to all this nonsense and they can’t just expect me to bend over beause maybe there’s a reason i will not be biting that pillow at the behest of some cunt
why am i thinking about religion? it pleases me to hear some atheist – someone’s half way there – but it fills me with sadness that it’s important to some people and so there’s nothing wrong with respecting that theism is unknowable in essence; fragile little ways of old now that carry no water with the rest of the flock – except when they end up getting married or it comes time to bring you round and put you under the ground
it’s not unusual to have an existential crisis half way through the week. notes though, there’s all these notes everywhere from and to people i’ve never met before. their handwriting was all the same but it was narrated by different people – as though recorded by some note taker or in short hand – i think. had someone been here? could i have written all of this? [not my writing] are all these things they are saying to one another [the person they were talking about was called 40409]
they want to see me again. yeah, dead insightful about it now when this has probably been going on for days. i can’t get to sleep though, so you do what you must do. it’s not the end of the world though, i just wish that maybe i could have some inspiration to write
i could feel the inspiration coming … like the guillotine setting up, waiting for me to have an epiphany and then dropping down, the sweet serenity comes in waves until my head comes off and rolls away with itself
nah – standing tall before the man. there’s a weird sort of effect that’s going on at the moment as well. for a while a load of people thought i was just off my head all the time – and even the people who didn’t go around saying shit like that, were quick to make a point about it in meetings – the problem is while those same people for whatever reason were trying to bury me alive, the tables turned and now they can’t fuck me around the same now that the truth has come out the same people who were shutting down your help and assessments and any little diddy fuckin chance of getting whatever it is they were trying to say i didn’t need… are the ones who are working on what is going to happen next. how could you trust someone who has been trying to fuck things up for you for several years? but are now fully responsible for getting involved with your care
i know one or two of my fan club are medical boons, so maybe you know what i’m talkin about. i’ll give you a clue fuckin whalley road
well time went back to normal just now and they want me to speak to them. other people are joining them. smiling faces and anecdotal honesty. “things are going to be different now theo you just have to trust the same people who kept you bouncing in and out of the justice sector for three years”
they tried to make me homeless but ever the saul goodman i am. all i can think without overthink is that they’re all saying “things will be different this time” and i sort-of know automatically that’s a load of bollox because once bitten and all that
let’s see how different things are now the ever given has ran aground on their plans and whatever they were trying to do
…. “they”
better have my weetabix. long day comin on i think …
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