westid

when i come into the room, stacks of switches, a constellation of LED status lights blinking sporadically, some quick and minimalist, some a constant reminder that there is power going on under here, some changing colour as it matches up what’s now and compares it with what’s next. an entire galaxy of air-conditioned plugs with wires coming in and out of them. blinking yellow on each active socket – yes, there is data coming through here. all happens in a fraction of a second, but in this particular place things keep happening long enough for the LEDs in all the darkness

some of these LEDs are watching you. make no sudden moves. one of them lights up green and there’s going to be a dreadful sound. it almost makes you feel that someone is coming, even though it won’t be quickly enough for you to get the hell out of there

their faces. their purpose, unclear to me, obvious to everyone and anyone. still, through it all, one of them whispers like it’s too familiar to be speaking into my mind – invade my personal space – who are you? i don’t bother telling them to fuck off because apparently they know me very well. and i might come to appreciate that fact. i do let it carry on but that’s because i’m convinced that this is not really happening and none of it will make sense shortly, once i wake up and see what’s really going on. besides, when a voice in your head seems to know an awful lot about you, from times pre-dating this particular voice [there are many], makes me start to think voice? or thought

i go on about love far too much, but i’m no expert of it. never had a problem being in love. just when other people get involved it becomes a nonsense and i don’t want to stand in that light any more. i do miss that light though, that moonlight. i will climb anything to steal a bit of that, and it would be such a small price to pay. not everyone turned against me, sometimes people reach out to me; usually breaking away from their friends who are havin a good time taking the piss out of me. but it always comes down to that “my friends tell me to stay away from you” – doesn’t really tell you anything about me then. i think your friends are cunts who only like you because you do what they wanna do and it would be too lonely to let go

fuck it, let go. because trust me, if you discard all that absolute prejudice, from people who have never sat down with me in their life, coming all that with their bull shit, and you want actual love, you will never be lonely again

i’m not trying to reconstruct all of the things i used to have back there in the past, i’m building something better. there’s going to be a lot of pain, definitely character building on a scale of 1 to pain where pain is pain. but i never philosophised that there is no gain from there being no pain. the only variable is what you’ve got, because i have observed and on many occasion that pain doesn’t come bundled together with pain – rather loss, and whatever loss may mean to you. some people don’t even know that they’ve got it, and they’re wasting it

i don’t know if i’m going to survive this, but if i do – i’m going to remember who was about all around me right now, when it really mattered. and to me, in matters of matter, that’s all that matters. for anyone. at any time