westid

[bowland college motto, lancaster university class of ’15-’16” press play on tape. ]

ive had some thrills and one or two spills at lancaster. i’m not ashamed of it. i even lived at the top of the tower, within inches of the cellular antenna that served the campus, the M6 motorway, and three miles in every direction. the green shoots of power. my next door neighbour had a massive mercedes and he had a thing for tweed jackets. very posh. you could actually see blackpool if it’s clear, while you’re sat on the bucket stubbing one out

how the fuck you found my blog did i ever ask you that? well if you have, then here i am. if only you could put a smiley on this one me owd socialite chaps. here you go … 🙂

“fucking evil” one lad thought i had started a death cult or something, amphetamine paste exploded all over the place and landed in about two hundred people’s pockets. and they always wanted a bit more. i were never greedy about it though…

i think they left the place in the same state i was when i went in. i’ve got to thank every single one of them, a few didn’t want to bid me farewell but they ended up doing anyway, in their own way. i think i learned about every fucking lesson you can have about “happily ever after” before someone stood me that way and pointed

i know many of them are still around there, and they’re killin’ it, mucho respect for them. there’s nothing i can do that no one else can; and there’s enough people still hanging on for the right to be prejudiced against someone. but when me and these people were on campus, we were rollin all over the place. it’s shortly after my undergrad had finished. gentleman comes and fix the boiler, and test the carbon monoxide detector.

he says “i’ve been up there”

so i was like “what you worked up there, or you were a student?”

he says .. “no, i’ve just been up there”

some of you people would probably know the guy. i didn’t – but i recognised him. i’m sorry for any bias that may create in my mind. to be honest if anyone in the government recognised us from those days, we would all have fucking peerages for what we went through. and contrary to popular belief, that would probably be my minimum bid considering.

i come back and someone grabbed me and give me a slap, and suddenly the power come on in my head. welcome back you little cunt. i understand everything was the way i left it – it’s like a compulsory purchase that stopped half way through the groundwork process and then got the funding withdrawn, and then a few imminent planning permissions pending which had sudden, out of the blue burst into flames here and there. one year a van got torched on my street where i live, and then on the exact same day one year later, another van got torched in the exact same place. it’s a remarkable co-incidence

but i wouldn’t be anywhere else. yeah during the week getting on it pretending there ‘was no week’ – i ducked out the window and fell into a whole different world. i had a slightly different experience but i knew when i came home there were people – some people i don’t talk to now but it was nothing personal it happened with everyone sooner or later; and a few people who have qualifications to speak to me in a controlled environment have told me that it’s something i must adapt to because i think there is “little or no likelihood that i can develop a way to do anything about it in any meaningful extent” – or somethin like that

they will sit there and come up with reasons they spend the last forty five minutes talking stood next to people who have to put their back out every day with that fucking gate post like they give the workers a sense of purpose, just being there. talking absolute shit next to people who have to get the overtime and go 60-65 hours a week just to make the ends meet. knowing that you’re a big cunt in a little kettle boiling the place up everyone’s gonna climb on top of you to get by everywhere you live

when i was a child i found it absolutely fascinating. i learned pretty much all there is to know about that. there’s nothing better than getting on with research which involves people with the right hypotheses, will almost look like they choreographed the dance that goes on all around me – and sometimes when i drift off to sleep, they still dance. it. is. beautiful.

there were certain unusual mannerism in some people that acted as some sort of beacon for like minded … minds in any overlapping recreational spliff, amphetamine, and beef raiders with kinder bueno session. i enjoyed some of the elaborate and outspoken derivations of self, each of them unique with their own nicknames – it was almost as if some of them had a uniform on – that didn’t look like the same outer party boiler suit john hurt was in but could be construed as being of the same “fashion” – and that fashion is quite evocative in and of itself. nothing hits me harder than the perfect simulation work i have completed, when people are doing physical things that bourne from the late night server side script developers of the early nineties – they were all the very shape and the ideation you see around you on most tall buildings. that’s just a problem the west will never master, learning how to build towers on every block of land that they can dig down for; with nice little balconies you an throw stuff off [that was a childhood favourite, i’m sorry if i threw something and it hit you] and opposing balconies who you can start a war with – debris and coins falling from the rooftops of the towers, actual turd – wet teabags – and vodka bottles filled to the top with piss, associated debris, and bits of whatever we could break off the walls

it reminds me of my first ever time going abroad, i were in the salou pacific and i dunno what the other place was called but it was huge – balconies everywhere. it started with them laser pens them people selling the watches have as they walk down the street, but a proper good green one that they use for pointing at stars for astrologists so they know what side of the zodiac stone they were supposed to be standing on. it was also good for pointing at helicopters and planes. allegedly

everywhere i go things get pretty ridiculously out of reach of the entire species on the planet, let alone the fuzzy bald eds – i don’t do it, but sometimes i show them how to do it. being able to reach someone else and making a difference in their lives [sometimes whether they ask for my help or not], and the actual effect of teaching other people gave me a glimpse into that kind of world for a few minutes – i see whirling into absolution throughout the crowds. like when the shadow monster takes hold of that lad in stranger things. but worse. sooo much worse

that effect – this glimmer – spreads like a shockwave throughout the rest of the people, as they adapt to learn to anticipate and therefore overcome this place or even keep it subtle enough to light up like minded aforesaid, a beacon; a boon. an apostasy and the absolution both at once, holding up their lighters, at the front. i forgot about ear protectors. i spent all night outraged that they took dogs into a night club on a friday night when there was permanent hearing damage within 5 feet of the speakers

… only the part where people hold their lighters up was just an hallucination. so when around the world come on; i went right to the front – the base powering throughout me just like a nearby lightningbolt ought to make one heft of a shake

it’s weird, music innit

has the power behind it whatever kind of music may it be [well, almost]

and that feeling is shockwaves leaving your body that you’re sending across the earth – lighting them up so bright you would be able to see them all in outer space

this was the first tune i listened to, after … so listen & read. read em an’ weep. count some sheep. go back to sleep.

… and for all you real people who kept the faith… nodding your heads because i know you know. resonate that vibe across the oceans. chat soon. one day soon, i hope. keep breathing, keep beating. i will never forget you. even if you wish i never met you x o x p

• TR

go on then, fuck it