westid

nothing blasts the serotonin up for me quite like driving again. i was devastated when i could no longer drive, but i really did make the most of my first car and there will never be a feeling quite like those wonderful days again. this time there’s an added feeling of having moved on from the most primitive foundations of my driving career. it used to be the way i dealt with things when i was in a mood, or whatever. there’s hardly any occasion i can think of which isn’t very well complemented by driving a car

i’ve hit a few lifetime firsts though, like i’ve never had a brand new car before, at long last the tinted windows and the little bits and pieces that make it better than my owd 2003 seat ibiza. some fucking brilliant moments of my life lived at the wheel of that car – but i always wanted a real volkswagen. i passed my test in a volkswagen, and fuck me what a brilliant time to be alive if you like driving. i’m not really into cars, but i get people who are because being into computers is very similar in a way. when it comes to driving though it’s quite the awesome privilege i am surprised that i managed such a long time without

when i was sixteen, i flew an aeroplane for the first time. it was a PA78 cherokee, propeller driven – it actually sounded like firing up an old banger when i got in. and when you start to decouple from the ground, the world starts to become a distant muse from your little tin can eye in the sky. now i’ve got cruise control and – as far as driving and flying go – is probably the best compromise for the altitude thing, all you have to do is set navigation distance and the vehicle in front pulls you along the road

i don’t agree with it but it’s not something i can control – some people, you can’t keep up with when you’re a pedestrian. i suppose that’s why it’s called pedestrian. the walking day-to-day exodus i see go by me in the blur of people and things i witness day by day. i can’t say that i didn’t enjoy being part of that blur when i had the chance – but in recent times i’ve cut myself off completely from even that, and now there are notably one or two seats left vacant by what would have been there as i drive in my car

the last time i could drive, i was driven. people called me and i helped them get around and bring them things or take them from place to place. that was one blur i was also privately honoured to be a part of. some of the strongest and smartest women and men who ever lived, no matter what kind of table in what kind of living room around which we were sat. i see the translucent figures of the ghosts who once occupied there that seat beside me. and now here we come to that special time of the year, so called because it’s where a number of personal mile stones come once more to be ticked. then the underline marks the total, i survived, after so much madness it is quite a wonder but never a regret that i did

that seat, it sits empty now and i can never decide whether or not that is a good or a bad thing. i like my freedom, but after a while freedom starts burning a hole in you that you can’t come back from the longer it winds forward the clock. i’m not sure if it’s true that i’m looking for love, but i still think about it sometimes. that too is a privilege i think, the opportunity to make someone happy. that whole love-your-self thing i think i’ve got under control now. there’s no excuses you can go to any more along the same lines as you “can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself” – i’ve come a long way. but it’s not over yet. it’s not over yet

it’s not over yet