westid

listen and read [l & r]

blocks of it i can’t remember. it’s hard knowing things when your memory is taken away from you. but that’s what i signed up for, so that’s what i get

yeah in my mind i’ve gone through all that. the first time, every time. none of it diminishes for me, nor the way i tell it because glasnost might be some made up russian word but i truly believe in what it means

so do i mean it? shit yeh of course i do. and you have yet to meet anyone with the same persistence as mine. picture it this way: someone you really care about is boarding a space ship tomorrow [if you’re more tuned in, you might see through the space metaphor] and they’re leaving to go and spend the rest of their life on mars … what they are going to find there is the ultimate unknown, it’s only a one way trip so nobody ever comes back, try as they might no one seems to have found a way to talk with anyone who has gone, whatever they find there could make the times they spent with you vanish completely so there’s a very real likelihood that you’re going to be forgotten about, that’s if it’s possible for them to remember you to begin with

anyway you picture someone you really care about and they’re about to go on this journey of a lifetime. what you think and if you’re really lucky, whatever your feelings are; they could have no idea, and they’re going on this journey past the ultimate boundary – whatever the fuck you come out with, it could either give them the only thing that they can call home for the rest of eternity. or it could collapse into dust right at the beginning as quickly their departure renders them into nothingness from whence they came – those are your people, those are your choices, those are your ultimate outcomes

now, this world’s shit so sooner or later everyone will pack their things up and head to terminal fucking 1. terminal … _{lol… exactly what it says on the tin}. all you can rely on out of anything in this life or any person, other than denial, is that in truth earth is shite … so everyone will make their way to their gate _{(how existential are airports?)} and climb aboard. some people will hang on as long as they can, but you can’t ignore that last call for boarding no matter how virile or rebellious you think you still are

if you’re following my narrative then by now you should have worked out that you and _{[someone you give a shite about]} only exist together on this planet for so long. what you really mean, actually feel; that’s important. whether you deny that in your head or just one of them people who act like it doesn’t matter until it’s happening. even if it’s been forgotten about or not remembered in the first place. you have no idea what comes next, so if you have something you need to sort out and you see someone fucking about with their luggage… take a walk down one of them conveyor belt walkways together. if you’re a real badman, take the one that moves you the opposite way so it’s ten times harder … but it will never be harder than what might have been. for the sake of five fucking minutes. i got jailed for 2 years because i wanted to have a five minute conversation, to speak the truth and let it be known. i got to say what needed to be said, then they took me away. i regret nothing

what i’m trying to say is that you might come it with the poker face but no one has the cards to follow it up. you can’t gamble with this shit, because you don’t know. you just don’t know

and neither will anyone else. the only chance any one of us has got, is if someone breaks the fuckin smart ass wall of silence, is if them walls that have gotten themselves a bit big over time came crashing down and you discover what’s been hiding us from each other, if you’re really unlucky you might even get to peek at the reason why. it’s never your own reasons

so what to do about it? because it’s always better dealing with something when there’s still things you can try doing instead of succumb to inertia and apathy and giveitup

1. press play on tape. play something deep that really feels like you
2. enable yourself; don’t deny what you are because you’re trying to change your identity to something that nobody wants you to be
3. when you go, go in deep.
4. do whatever you can to see the people that love you. even if you don’t live up to their expectations, can’t be what they long for you to give them; at least try and love them back in your own way
5. whether you’re all alone or you’re surrounded by loads of other people … throw some shapes, dance, get deep. you will know when you have found out what that is
6. remember yourself as a kid and how beautiful you always knew life could be
7. don’t be afraid, or hide yourself away because it might look like you’re taking the piss
8. whatever you do best, wherever it comes from … just remember this is you. so be that … whatever it takes.
9. set aside the time, pick a decent spot. bring supplies. you’re trying to be real with someone … you might be there a while
10. take a seat, and make yourselves a legend

i’ve had some conversations in my head a million times. it’s not always going to work out the way that you really want it to; but every time i’ve said it – and i have evil versions of people that can alter the way your mind works without saying a word – it’s always been the first and only time i’m going to speak it and when i do i say it all

there are lots of times i’ve actually said something over again. because it might actually reach someone this time – and that’s a good thing to want, a surprisingly disciplined way to shape your expectations

some people who will have a nice lil smirk when they read this, even ask me to tell them the same wonderful stories over and over again. my persistence, in a way, is fortified somehow by theirs

then there’s the one big question that’s looming over me every night – whether or not i decide to share my feelings about it on here – some nights, which can easily continue for multiple nights, i’m not even sure i have it about me to ask something so big

something for you to think about: why ask some questions? once you do, there’s nothing left but the emptiness of what may never become the answer, you might not have wanted

you might think yourself as having genius that could even rival my own, because you found this place, because you have spent agonising sessions trying to read it all so you’re caught up and somehow you could possibly have all the back story with no parts of it missing. the people who actually do know my back story, or were even a part of it, they wouldn’t spend five minutes on here reading whatever it all looks like to other people… but their vision isn’t really complete either

i am a bastard, who could just so easily have been your bastard. but i’m not the one you thought me to be. not the one you tell everyone else when you’re weighing in and i come up in the chatter. not the one who has saved more lives than you have successfully ruined. not the one who is going to get upset by your post … no matter where you posted it. not the kind of bastard who could have done _{[done what exactly?]} to _{[those people you have also never met in your life and know fuck all about]}

every man has his weakness you just got to learn what it is and where to find it. i’m not the kind of bastard that will give in easily, if at all

seeing as though you came to read what was on my mind, and if you’re a real do and came through listened to the tunes. _{[it’s called listen & read]} i’ll give you something: that none of your mates could deduce if they spent their whole day trying to work out what i say

at the moment i’m fucking invisible. dead. i don’t exist. not a real person. my weaknesses are irrelevant right now. but … i’m coming back. some people might not remember me, or they simply don’t need to. in my recent scribblings, i’ve fallen for the same shit again, going through someone else’s guilt that’s been put on me because of that insatiable drive to please everyone and be all things to all people

i’m not going to be so preoccupied with all that when i come back. you might have read this about coming back already … it’s up to you to find out what that means, and in what way you will see me / where at / when. if you don’t get around to figuring that out, then i will show you what it means when we (so looking forward to) inevitably meet again

thanks for listening