swirling around me all day, the solid sub zero sorrow cuts deep with the chill of the grave. mortal as i am, surrender to the elements is instant – however i used to be, i’m conditioned now to fall at the feet of the elements – don’t be doubting the devastation of the cold. even the village farmhands couldn’t muster the misled menace with their pitchforks at the sight of me walking on through; you’re gonna need your big coat tonight chaps it brings chilling to an unbearable calibre
in a way it was liberating me … i know just how much being out there was simply not worth standing around in hope that i might be looking at the precise moment someone makes [foolishness:rude-gesture:5405beaa-e439-4fc2-d85bf69a724a] as my hive mind IoT most recently called it – spoiler alert: nobody’s watching
they didn’t have the sweets i wanted at the petrol station. so if you’re keeping score, then you don’t need to get even because now something was unsuccessful for me therefore – in your microcosm – that means i’m not winning anymore or something
just imagine me broken and defeated, looking up at you / tears streaming down my face; because you have fucking owned me out of nowhere … coming to you for help because you can see that nothing quite so formidable has ever happened to me … i hope you’re good at drawing because you’re not going to see that in any reality, ever. would that be enough?
you can proper feel it, that moment where so much actually happens the way it’s supposed to / you don’t have to fill in for the lack of perfection or character by coming up with a semi (fictional personality) in the same logic that the brain makes up for the left ear when there is only sound in the right. let me tell you something you might not agree with as a personal philosophy: some people are just that fucking good. better than you, me, most other people. they don’t need bringing up to your level because as soon as they’ve met you it’s just there.
when this happens i accept this. and each time it does, everyone who actually does care about me dies a little bit inside … partly because once that has got me, it feels so fucking good and cannot be substituted or replaced with anything else (for a change); and the other part is that these people naming no names, know me well enough to clock that this is gonna hit me hard again … and again … and again
this might be a symptom of my current situation, but i do daydream about things like what it feels like to be scared of losing [someone], how far could i let the gas light burn until it fucks with me for real, if she has the self discipline to make me stay like that for an unacceptably long period of time … this is the sort of shit that’s going on in all of us, but nobody talks about things like that when they meet someone. let me enlighten you by progressing from the primordial soup to the pretty-obvious when you think about it, as i perceive it
all that is cumbersome to the normal people is the easy stuff that’s possible without having to think let alone agonise over: showing up on time, being faithful, fucking off to mcdonalds on my own because it’s 4am and i have a cup holder in the car, loyalty, letting her be influenced by that friend who will never let you take her for granted, stop whatever the fuck you’re doing because everything is falling apart and all that matters is that she needs you right now, stay quiet and provide foot massage while she’s got all her mates round, choose the things you will never compromise on carefully and quickly, remember no matter how much of a box ticking cunt you think that you are – you will both break, it’s inevitable – you will always compromise on one another’s hypocrisy, until the very end
i lived my life a proud hypocrite, doing any of the rotten things that are indeed toxic, self-destructive, incompatible with the life parading itself around me. but i managed to do that all of this life never ripping any one of you cunts off, selling you out – even as i myself sell out, in an obscure adidas/stacksteads sort of way with brightly coloured sneaks and sexy ankles HD – setting you up, letting you down, or letting you go on lying to yourself
even though i would crawl through tonnes of landfill ransacking mountains of garbage looking for that phone number – i never managed to get my hands on it – because for some fucked up god-forsaken antithesis of what a reason is supposed to be, i couldn’t use chatGPT to make you any prettier than what you’re like in real life. don’t need to bitch about it i don’t understand either – but i know both of us feel the same about that, and you’re never going to get this from anywhere else. pretend that’s a relief all you want, but it isn’t. it’s empty and ridden of purpose, and you will always regret not doing something about that
that’s another fucker… more frequent than hypocrisy, and throws out lifelong regrets like a machine gun.
denial.
adidas > nike
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