westid

any moment now. not a moment too soon. i might have tried but i didn’t expect. there was one available but i’m not ready to collect. maybe i will try that again one day, when i’m a bit less quantifiable in some unmeasured yet prominent kind of way

it’s always me that can lay it on thick and exhausting i drink this moment with all of its worth, and that manages to make everyone and anyone realise that they probably shouldn’t have volunteered something more on the subject of any interest that they had to say – so now just as soon as pleasant salutation is politely passed let’s hurry along because i’m not being funny but if you think you’re getting any ideas about talking to me again for as much as we did the other day the only thing that feels wrong is you and your face so fuck off before you find out that all the patience you’ve got left in your life was about past the point of pleasant when you tried to eat your own head the other day

back when things were different, and there wasn’t as much of me to go around – legendary liaisons would burn the night away and there didn’t seem to have an essential direction that needed to run along now , go and play. i would be in the perfect spot somehow and you wouldn’t be too reluctant to keep me there, and hmmm come to think of it; didn’t feel like i needed to stop for a moment and ask for directions because this new one way system brings you out in the middle of nowhere, and you wouldn’t be able to see or hear me all the way over there. all i said was hello and you didn’t open it for days, then you left me at the relentless behest of your abandoned sweet spot we shared when you took the lead but neither of us had prepared an agenda i just felt like it was alright to befriend a certain someone … although it was only a short time after we firs met, never remember making an interesting introduction wither away without delay into a fool’s errand that you can’t wait to completely forget

it’s not anyone’s fauit but mine, and it’s not right but a part of my sprit reached the very end and died tonight. i just can’t reach out to anyone anymore because there just doesn’t seem to be an amicable attitude that i bring out no matter what it is that i have to say, it is sort of mugged off so that it doesn’t need an actual rep[y to convey whatever it is you might be thinking – keep it to yourself fuck off and go away

well starting from here, i’m just going to surmise that everyone’s replies will just be like the ones that i’ve got from one point of no return i will never forget right the way up until today. i’ve got somewhere to put myself that won’t get in anybody’s way. i’m sorry i can’t be the same man who would love to hear from you at any time of the day, you’re all good to go and take a permanent breather from anything and there will be nothing to leave before waiting to put an unlikely to be followed up tick after leaving it for about a day

there are a number of things that i’m finding are somehow out of sync with the world that all my life has managed to develop separately from me. for reasons i am not sure i will know, i thought now that they found my differing development, it would have naturally re-integrated and continue together with the way everyone else’s evolution of experience will come collectively and go. but even after it was revealed that the way i see things today wasn’t at all like what all the other people would judge in quite the same manner and there is no longer anything i can do to make what is by now such a massive journey that i cannot take the voyage to make because something’s suddenly sliping away so i don’t know how

i can’t reach out to anyone. they are exposing my inner workings to the stone cold light of day, and i’m overwhelmed by one shock after the next – these things were always really easy but now i’ve had all the power somehow absent and when i reacj for the controls they can see me sprawling for help in some kind of unstructurable body of text. what i think was always working just isn’t quite correct, and i’m wide open wandering blindfolded into the perfectly powerful ultimate undoing from which i am suddenly no longer able to do anything to try and protect

it’s really confusing and i’ve never been so lost and whatever’s coming next, i know that i can no longer reach out to anyone without somehow provoking the same silently spreading frost on my screen, and i’m starting to get dizzy because confusing contingencies are beyond my capacity to <something> and the very fabric of my grasp of the mysterious magic that made me complete and connected this catastrophically cut down components that get inside me and deep down in between

if you want to fire at me now, my defences are down. i can’t even call out for help. whoever you are i won’t impose my self but can you show me the way forward from here? i can’t seem to find the future that wants me nowhere near. i didn’t see this coming but if i had just stayed the way that i should still be, it might not have met me with this momentous macabre, where through no one else’s fault but mine … a once magnificent part of my life now comes to an unbearably abrupt end, nowhere near anywhere anyone would notice, here, and forever more disappear

although the now unspeakable thoughts continue going on in my head, i’ve lost my link to everyone, that part of me is now dead