westid

testing myself once again. don’t know how or why i’m so tested … but no one can withstand as much as i can. someone’s posturing and their ego isn’t that much of a test to me, all they need is someone to show off their identity, but that kind of person, if you are, doesn’t get you very far

there are some pretty next level people in the world who have really thought about how cruel they would be if the right person let them. they might not have heard, or you just realised now it’s too late, we didn’t establish a safety word; so all of a sudden you’re too blame for the humiliation, the hurting, the shocking spelling and grammar, or the shame. the first time this happens is always the last, but you’re in this situation now and it’s anything but fast. only when it’s too late do you truly see the chances you didn’t take flew by you pretty fast

i’m one of the foregone. someone has decided, it wasn’t me. but they are deluded, i’m free. just because you don’t want to see the proof i bring with the truth, think i wasted it all on my youth so nonchalant and aloof. so many storeys i fell from grace, didn’t take the elevator no, i jumped off the roof. think i’ve had it easy? you couldn’t last five minutes if you had to be me. only then would you realise that there was a lot going on you weren’t able to see. but i wouldn’t come down hard on you, give you the third degree

everything is getting better and – a truly nonchalant – i’m getting the things that i want. the pain made me learn a lesson, not to waste it on people who were nothing more than an affront because they were inevitably opposed to my self accepting personality. they thought i was narcissistic and at one time that was true – but the arrogance of you’re not able to have feelings for me if you don’t love yourself too. maybe i didn’t have a cllue how to engage them people, who hate me because i do the same things that they do, have passion for what i’m going through, know myself with confidence enough to admit that to you

sometimes there have been people who love themselves so much every post they make is a selfie. think that they are the source of all light and where it shines from. want you to switch on the validation and appreciate them the way they do themselves. i can tell who they are because they can’t stand me, and i don’t blame them

a long time ago i unexpectedly ended up painting someone’s place with someone and i didn’t realise [or i would have done it more] that i was pissing them off boasting about myself. we were both in deep and that’s not usually how you make your first impressions, so didn’t know what was going on in there. anyway she kicked off once or twice because i am like this – but when she kicked off she was so delish, i kind of got the urge to wind her up so i could encounter it. there’s never a good time to admit that to someone though, which i should have done but that’s just the 20-20 of hindsight sunken and trapped in the amber forever

could you let someone reign supreme and keep your cool, resist being cajoled into an altercation mental or physical even when someone is truly mashing fuck out of all your buttons in just the right combo? if you let someone tie you up would you be able to allow it without being overwhelmed with the urge to snatch back control at the first sign of danger? could you walk through the streets wearing a collar around your neck because someone put it on you and made you their bitch? is it possible to purposely let all the psycho-logical tricks and traps, subliminal messages into your head so much that your thoughts start happening in their voice? could you even bring yourself to do as you’re told, accepting all the foregone conclusions you’re being fed about something that hasn’t happened yet? would you have such a cool collected demeanour and dare to drop to your knees for someone because they realised your little secret and just the chance they will use it against you is more interesting than looking silly in front of all these other people

i’ve been in some abusive relationships. there have been moments i thought my life was about to end. but other situations, i thought that next level was about to begin. letting go of your control is harder than you might like to think. giving it to someone else … all i can say with any certainty is that some people have really taken their sweet time working out what they would like to do to men… most of them just haven’t been given the opportunity, but once you do and when that chance to hurt someone happens with you, brace yourself for the fucking mangle … because someone’s about to get proper put through

for me it’s probably the mindfuck. i met someone a while ago and the only thing she told me was how to say her name. knowledge is power, and trust me there’s no feeling quite like realising someone now knows too much / they’re mates with the fucking absolute worst person / you just watched them transform into this in painfully slow motion. what hit me the most was the sudden shift in the power dynamic … and no matter what you’re about or who you are, the power is always the most prominent feeling

i’m not going to see that person again so it doesn’t matter anymore, but the point is it could have done and it goes to show how easily someone can catch up with you – even if they have to use someone else in order to do it. that was quite a bit ago now, so i think i’m safe from anything happening that might matter; but for a short while i had no idea what i had let myself in for … when she somehow made these feelings about someone else [who i hated and didn’t matter] pour into her instead… and she took sweet satisfaction straight from my hopeless expression

unfortunately life is too boring predictable and shit, for someone like that to turn up ever again … but it would light up so many parts of my brain if she did, and my head would probably fall off my shoulders onto the floor and roll away through the dirty feelings of the things we leave to chance …

from watching and speaking to other people, not many can understand how i can accept people who have been unfaithful, violent, manipulative, evil; i’ve gone through the cheating, getting that first slap which goes beyond just a slap, losing the custody battle for all the friends, the absolute bullshit doesn’t even try to make it convincing because that’s how worthless you are. and sometimes i have asked the same questions …. why didn’t i do this or that? how come i let it happen? didn’t i get angry about it or suffocate on my own sense of inadequacy? i’ll try and answer it: some people just get you hooked and you will believe anything they want you to, because you don’t want their storyline to end

my storyline probably doesn’t boast the baddest or the hardest happenings, but some of the things i’ve been through would make your blood curdle

being controlling or slapping someone about is pointless, because you will never know if they really do give a fuck – if you crush someone emotionally, there’s always the likelihood that they are just saying what you want to hear because you have broken their will / self worth. no one will go out of their way for you if they have been dismantled and rebuilt in your image. that enchanting husky voice or that world ending smile turns into the reasons why someone is “a slag” or “only doing it for other people” … every control freak one day wakes up to this reality, and then you have a front row seat / the other corner in the ring – where the prospect of losing you dawns on them. that’s when the most relentless violence is unleashed. that fact alone answers most of the questions people have asked me

when someone does something, it only speaks of them. no matter how much they might try and blame you or get other people involved, you don’t own the actions of someone else. when someone tries to say [anyone] is bad – take care to look for the motives behind the one who is talkin’ … what’s in it for them? what’s it to you?

you might think me a hypocrite for speaking of violence. but i’ve never raised my hand to anyone. there have been accusations against me personally, but one thing you will have to fuckin get your head around once and for all- is that these accusations have been investigated more rigorously than any accusation of violence against someone you have ever heard in your entire life. so much money and manpower has been poured into finding out if i’ve been violent from every possible approachable angle, the only conclusion left after everything else had been painstakingly ruled out is that i’ve never raised my hand to anyone

so what’s left after all these things are considered and counted? well i’m not even using social media anymore. i couldn’t go on a dating app, sorry gene pool i just can’t go through with it. in the time it would take to come up with a recent photo for other people to see, that i want of me, i could just knock one out and no one would have the time to get disappointed. and i only disappoint people in person. if it hasn’t happened yet then it’s not a conclusion you can start treating as though somehow it’s foregone

what i’ve realised first and foremost is that it’s better to start with the context of: nothing keeping either one of us from walking away / no investment has been made. so if you start getting unfaithful vibes you could just walk away and it wouldn’t mean shit. that’s probably the fairest way to look at it … but what isn’t fair is that you can’t ever use the L word … like you’re at war and that word is the only weapon you have, and it’s all about who can keep from saying it the longest

some people are addictive. if they turned up out of the blue your shit would ruin itself just going off that alone. but no one is going to show up again, or make their own mind up about you instead of taking in whatever their shit-headed friends are probably saying

that’s why i don’t like foregone conclusions. because the job’s fucked, and they will never give you a chance now there’s no one else around to notice. to me, a foregone conclusion implicitly creates an underdog. and i’ve been known to root for the unlikely – fiending for the aberration that underestimated the unpredictable and now no one dares foresee

two words: perfect love and perfect trust