westid

i’m better off forgetting that my heart exists because no matter what it’s doing at the moment i’m not going to like the answer. nobody is telling me what to do, but there’s two of me. it’s impossible to determine which is the ‘main’ me so no prevailing claim can decide how the 1 brain should be fairly awarded. maybe i should nominate hemispheres and flip a coin

i’m having the weirdest thoughts, if only you knew, i’m starting to get paranoid that you already do. there’s this strange sensation of butterflies like guilty pleasure on top; sharp spikes in dopamine surges causing all kind of deviant urges, it feels so fuckin wrong but i don’t want that feeling to stop. i’ve seen hundreds of people start to go through this same thing, don’t fight it or punish yourself; you can learn so many things you either didn’t expect to feel or never took the time to explore. try to confront your prejudices, some of these feelings you might not have the self discipline or emotional capability for

when i’m feeling feeling like this, i try not to talk to other people necause they tend to get it verbose about the weird thoughts and feelings i’ve got going on everywhere. unfortunately it’s just a fact of life that some people don’t want to understand. they will never meet you on your level, think that everyone is the same in the head as they are; you can explain it all forever and ever amen, they will never relateto what’s going on in there

if you don’t have a decent grasp of what ADHD feels like, you will suddenly understand when it starts to wear off. you might not feel it to be as simple as this, how much dopamine would you like to be forced into having a limit of?

it doesn’t matter how strong or self disciplined you are. when you first feel the power, it will corrupt you even before you readlise what is happening. it escalates quickly. i like to watch someone feel it for the first time. irony – the helpless look in their faces … all past sins are forgiven, up until now you’ve had it easy. just how can anyone be expected to even know what control is, while they feel like this?

ambivalent. the nearest thing you can get to this is love. happens in spite of you, no matter how much you try to control it. even if something is going wrong, it can still feel good. you can burn yourself completely to the ground but it wouldn’t hit you until you lose that good feeling. you could end up believing all sorts of nonsense, people screaming the truth in your face but they’re just jealous because they want what you have, and other insane reasons a person can be mugged into believin owt

i don’t think i really regret letting anyone in

[i haven’t done anything by the way so whoever appears to have told you i have has taken you for a mug]