alright then home sweet home. if it were up to me, i’d have a home with (a) at least three or more floors (b) custom built intercom buttons dotted around the place (c) a minimum of 1 secret passageway (d) my alarm of choice would be through an array of tactically positioned klaxon master blasters [very loud AC siren] such that they cause permanent hearing damage / and a smoke cloak because i’ve always wanted to literally biff someone out of a place using just smoke (e) if possible i would like a secret garden [private outdoor environment] so i could set up a place for the cool people to VIP if there’s ever a party here (f) i would integrate a computer network into every chilling location so there is always computer equipment for any potential occasion
not intrinsic for my perfect home but i want one of them shitty signs well placed to greet the vast majority of guests with our little family motto “live, laugh, leave“ testament to the matrimonial establishment i have come to know and love in various situations with people i’ve known over the years
who is paying for the wedding? because it could be like the honeymoon here is a dream scenario of a honeymoon avec me. we’re going to tell everyone about the wonderful lap of luxury we are going to spend all of our time in a 5* all expenses paid blah blah and while we’re away, that’s when we bang all of the honeymoon on the most luxurious hot tub with its own little privacy enabling location somewhere about the grounds of the place, where we will sip champagne and write little postcards to the right kind of people, summoning them to a super clandestine liaison – but don’t tell anyone and we will let you go sick with all the wonderful settings and the bubbles will get in between us and it’s impossible to have a fat luxury tub without accumulating a mid week VIP of best people where we can get pissed in the evening and warp the boundaries of our personal space with warm water, no clothes on and rubber lining the plate for you to stand on so you don’t fall over pissed getting another drink from the bar that will through growing demand for alcoholic serving somehow end up in the most choice location so we can still VIP our shit with a little class when it’s standard procedure to reach out [without getting out of the water] and refill your glass
if there’s still some money left for the short luxury holiday this lasting refuge of wonderfulness was supposed to buy, then i will leave it til this point in a relationship to set about finding out what your favourite colour is by buying you your first pair of so kates. what a way to leave something i should otherwise get to know fairly quickly if i really care and shit like that. or maybe you will be a bitch about it and decide to make it some sort of secret and leave me to guess
i like having a guess, sometimes it leaves me impressed
[if you’re one of my regular readers you will probably have been waiting for me to come out with this and now you will be taing the piss – so just for you i will go against my usual nonpartisan approach™ and indulge: my favourite colour is psychic red – they make me feel sort of psychic when i lift them up over your head. [sorry … ded]]
once i carry you downstairs from our honeymoon in the hot tub [a few weeks later] over the threshold of your home, you will get into the swing of that pre-nuptual agreement that no one but you is allowed to have any deciding say on the size of the t-shirt you wander around the house in. i will also agree that any income i have is recoverable at any time for your personal budget of amphetamine that we will warp ourselves into deviance with on a regular basis – but only if you keep it secret, because it’s [don’t know why scientifically but this is definitely a thing] better when you hide it from everyone … for some reason. but you can ponder this while you wander round our beautiful home like a zombie, getting pre-occupied with one another for 3, 4, 5, days straight every time you make that horrible delicious mistake take a wrong turn and bump into me. you’re not wandering away from this one princess, wonderland awaits. what else can we do but love – freely and in your own way – because otherwise we fall foul of silly little games that we play while the situation develops from the spontaneous one of us exhibiting traits / finding that this is something that the other one fucking hates. and i’m sure we would play some other roles in between, i was born with an heart just made for the big screen. what a performance
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