westid

there’s stupidly no point in trying and i’m starting to feel like i’ve truly got the message. but even now i feel this sudden burst of “they’re fucking lying to you please open your mind try and listen to me.” i don’t get upset about people when they decide not to trust me, but if they’ve been nice at some point and i see them gobbling up lie after lie from someone else – that feeling is too much and it cuts right through me

perhaps one of the most monumental abundances of pain in my life come from the little things, like watching someone who fucking lambasts the shit out of me for any little thing i say; swallowing up lie after like as if they were fucking born yesterday

why do you think my first instinct was to warn you of what you really sat beside? what do you think i was trying to give you the only way you could possibly stop so obliviously still might have got some other ticket, but still no idea who’s really taking you for a fucking ride. it was more important to me to let someone know that their mate is fuckin bad news and that no matter what they did to me – the same sort of shit happening to you is the last thing i would wanna see – i’m not as “damaged” as i’m being made out to be

i still can’t work it out, why would someone who doesn’t want to be – wander on down sitting next to me. even though it’s somehow never something i get to see, while it’s going on immediately

there’s nothing immediate about the world going on, completely disconnected from everything going on / encircling me. yeah sometimes i get a rude or childish little gesture because you can and every other opportunist way since the silliness began

no matter what tries me, i’ve somehow managed to be my own man. self-sufficient, but i never opted for self-contained, why does it have to be that way?

this is just one of those things that are out of reach, beyond my control. i say reach – but i can’t reach out. i say control – but nothing and no one prepared me before i came to be who i am, or play this role. i’ve got everything i want, well almost everything. still something that i need that would truly make me whole. but it’s so tragically never going to happen…

alright, maybe i’ve not done everything the way that you’re supposed to, but i’ve made my feelings and put them out there. they were passed on through other people and their frivolous fucking up of my feelings got put through the fucking mind mangling machine and ended up reaching chinese whisper snakes and ladders somewhere

i can do anything i want, and i have it all. that much most people who look find that it’s easy to see. but there’s one thing i can’t wish on someone else but i wish it on me. yeah there’s a whole world going on out there, devil may care, all that shit. but this world keeps spinning round the sun, and i’ve got fuck all to do with it. sometimes i sit there for ages thinking if only i could make a real connection to my surroundings, then everything would sort itself out. it’s easier said than done. suffice to say nothing more, i’m trapped here – i’ve tried to do stupid things and it didn’t work. if i really wanted it to, then it would have done

i can’t even do myself in. why do you keep coming so close to me, what am i supposed to do? nothing. i can’t go out there, no one is coming here, i just can’t fucking win. no matter how much i try, i either fuck things up, or some malignant cunt with so much to say but knows fuck all manages to talk me up. i don’t even have the option any more of giving up. i’m stuck here and i think to myself; why the fuck would someone share such a moment with me and then fucking disappear completely – save for those beautiful little moments when i get to see, a complete piss take when it could be so much more so easily

what the fuck am i saying? in the past i used to think that the drain encircles me, but you are the drain and it’s me circling you; as soon as you come, i go down in a one-way trip to the drainage of total darkness. i wish you could find it within yourself to lift me up, because you could easily do that too. and i know that pissing about trying to annoy me is just a sign i will probably mean – if i weren’t so forbidden / fucked about – so much more to you. why don’t you let yourself come the whole distance, so near yet so far. you could completely make my fuckin day so if there really is a human heart beating in your chest then i’m not afraid to love even if you possibly are

what i wish for would be to finally break this impermeable fucking glacier that you insist on putting around me. that wouldn’t change or be too much or much difference. but it will bring me effortlessly – at long last – the distance

what a waste of perfectly good sentience wondering what one person would want when the whole world is watching my – as imperfect as anyone with mortality – putting up this wall but at the same time wandering where i’m so wearily reluctant to witness yet another would-be worse if it wasn’t the worst already. somehow wastes the whole fucking day already

some people all they want to do is just cause pain and aggro not because they want to, not because it’s warranted, not even to get even … just because that’s what they want to do, whenever, and because of whatever, they can … well done, clap clap clap, would you even do something nice / would you be able to? even if that’s what you wanted [for a change] to do?