westid

it’s so important, i am told, to die with no regrets. i wish i had, but those regrets are already there. so fuck i want to say hello? what gives me the hubris to even dare!? and even if it wasn’t some mere mortal somehow worthy of thy almighty reply, by some miracle someone would be able to climb over themselves to speak back to me – why’s it got to be auto-assumed that they care?

well i don’t. but fuck it, i’ve got a bunch of things that i need to do. not because i love bouncing off someone’s fucking rejection over and over again, that’s the only expectation i’m taking for granted, but i’ve been climbing a long time out of this massive hole i fell down – it would be a shame if i didn’t even try to reach out, to people who mattered enough for me to clock whether they might want to do something mental like reply, _{or not.}

i got a camera. this camera can go under water. even though it says so on the box [15m submersible] the last thing anyone wants to do is put an electronic device under water, but what the fuck would be the point in getting it if that weren’t true? so i took it in the shower with me. and whaddya know, it worked!

the other week i ragged the USB cable out too hard and lost the flap that goes over the socket. so all of a sudden this was no longer submersible at all. i was sad. i had to order a new one, it took one hell of a long time to get here

i attached the flap back to the camera, and for all intents and purposes it was back to square one. new flap – albeit seemingly identical to the old one – but is this designed to give you the …

i’ve had this new flap for a while now, and it was just doin my fuckin head in. yeah, this was an official spare part from the same people who made the camera … but does it still work under water? the likelihood that, it would fuck up completely and break the camera was too big to just do it, aloof so nonchalant like the things the way i want. i knew what was coming, even though the prominent reality that this isn’t fucking worth finding out at all reigned supreme, tie your hair back and gobble it all at once like a caramel creme. but you know what really voids someone’s warranty? not knowing

so i had a choice … i could leave my precious fucking camera held up high and dry, robbed of the absolute certainty i had before that fucking flap broke off and could never again be found. but at least it won’t get broke right!? or the real one. the only one. the definitive, liberating quintessential truth of life that carries all of the rest of truth there within it

big fucking ravenhead pint glass. filled up with water. switched it on so the little touch screen would give continuing sign of life … made sure i didn’t leave anything open on it, because that would have looked well stupid innit … and dunked the motherfucker reight into the water

in the grand scheme of things, nothing was accomplished this day. i didn’t learn anything in particular that i didn’t already know, but actually i did though. i found out. that silly little camera could have completely topped itself and i would have commit camera suicide just for the privilege. i could have been tip-toeing through the rest of my life wondering what if i did ? crippled by that one big question, the one that makes you start to steam up, over the still water as it stirrs inside you. beckoning, burgeoning urge, just waiting for you to think that thought – you know you’re going to think it, and it’s not going to drip until you do. should i? there’s nothing worse than that feeling defies all logic, shitey etiquette, fades other people’s boundaries into more of that fog of suspense, throws out anything that stands against the inevitable, and once you give into the will of that higher power, liberates you in the same way we gain the confidence to do anything else that you could be capable in life

once i dunked the camera into the pint of water, my horror and uncertainty transformed into something else, and i with it. there’s nothing else i gained from this that gives me any more strength to keep going and live with such uncertainty in life, except for one saving grace that arisen from this moment .. that an object, particularly one like this, will come and go as we chase down ever more ways and means that we take for granted technology provides us. this precious little 4k imaging machine – as obsolescent as a lot of technological gadgets become at an ever faster rate – will never stop the technological timeline ticking. however … sometimes you have to take risks, because what the fuck else is there? this camera has taught me more about life than anything. if i set out to discover, even though i just know i’m most likely going to feel like a right cunt because it’s just going round looking for wanton contempt / rejection, then some miracle might happen and show me that yeah not everything’s that predictable and shit

so i just rip the sticker off and not look at it again. even though i know the feeling inside me might leave me in suspense, i’ve always wanted to know if there is some kind of link that goes on between someone who has this anticipation, this uncertainty, sometimes even unexpected out of nowhere. for all we know, someone could be sat there and suddenly feel you the way you’re feeling them. i doubt it though, because if they did, that would mean something stupid like you can stir up the uncertainty in them too. they would probably be interested to accept you

i’ve climbed up a long way out of a very deep and dark place. what would you want to do? well, firstly, i would be interested in the same people who mattered to me the most. when you’re getting your shit together, what would be the point in doing it all if the sort of people you would enjoy catching up with wouldn’t appreciate the chance to – not give you anything – when all you’re offering is to reach out. fucking hate reaching out. truth be told, even though i don’t think it’s ok to expect someone to; but if any of those real kind of people reached out to me, i would be so grateful because i find it so hard to do, and it’s just a given mentality: they don’t bother with me, i won’t bother with them. i totally get that, but if there was a way to be like i’d be pleased if you could do this one favour for me, then they will see that it doesn’t come at all so easily. to be fair though they would be doing a favour for themselves

the way people where i live talk shit about me, i’ve come a long way and as far as things go, they are the best they’ve ever been / and in such a long time. whatever they’ve moved on / i’ve moved on to, doesn’t mean that they would mean fuckall if they said something ridiculous like “hi.” even though, because it’s usually the way things go, everycunt craics on like i’ve been this destitute this entire time, like it’s impossible for me to make any such climb. yeah i’ve been gone for a while and it’s pretty hard, maybe i remember how much it mattered – these things i’ve been changing the fuck out of forevermore – so if someone [to me, at least] opinions and feelings mattered so much, then it wouldn’t be so bad to learn that things are different since we were last in touch

it’s just inviting a load of shit feelings on myself but an unbelievably large landslide of lies have been told / there’s just been too much time since … but to be fair, not every camera you drop into the water is going to stay true to its form / once you break that barrier though, you know just how nice [or not nice] the things you want in life are going to turn out to be. and if there’s a cunt in bastard of a chance, then maybe just say what you got to say quick and close it and don’t look again. fucking retard like changing any of this will reverse the fact that, not being all the things that someone told you they didn’t like back then, means they will be glad to hear from you if you turn things around, just let them know when

there’s a fundamental what quickly emerges here. i know my camera is water proof now, and can go beneath the surface but stay alive. so what if someone’s feelings would have mattered to me? because people will never allow themselves to get close enough to see i turned it all around, besides, i’m not a lightweight – relentless, i survive

actually, this day weren’t that unremarkable. i dunno if you’ve ever experienced this in your life, but now and then someone bows out and exits stage. you can see it coming, you can feel it happening, you know it’s taken place. sometimes, for me at least, simple matters of fact remove from the whole experience. an interesting / sentient in the first place human being says goodbye – i don’t let it hit me until i’ve driven back home – and as soon as they’ve gone life just gets automatically more shit. even if it’s not like they played a particularly big part in it

didn’t have to be that way, but when people underestimate you there are disadvantages too and of equal measure. i mean, it’s difficult to explain how i tell people things, in this fucked up way where they tell one another but i know that thought is there by the time we next see each other. it’s mad what sets playing silly little games aside, from someone to whom my self esteem, feelings i am open wide. some people you would just fuckin make a world for

it’s not as though i’m the gift of god – even though that’s kind of the meaning of my name – but some people would just have that kind of hold on me, and i would have to try or try harder. sometimes i can just see someone like that putting my head through the fuckin mangle touching on someone else, because they know how much i’d torture myself – like tom cruise in eyes wide shut, when nicole kidman desides to put that little seed of a story in his head, and he can’t stop thinking about it, and there’s nothing he can do about it, no matter how hard he tries he even nearly ends up dead. it’s impossible to get angry or upset about it because it will make you automatically emasculated. what’s the feminine version of emasculate? still waiting for someone to answer me that one. it’s been a while now

like any cunt would have stayed in touch anyway. but having fucked up delusions of somehow being close to someone tomorrow helps me deal with today. keep runnin their fuckin game on me but when i’m reight for it and take their offer and stay, they just had me call their bluff and they don’t ever wanna play