westid

there’s an empty place that is kept between me and the one who is keeping it. when this happens i usually get upset and think about all of the comprehensively rotten as fuck things they do on a daily basis that never stopped me from liking them or at least giving them a chance despite the widely ranging demographic of people and their prior advice to stay well away

but this time it’s someone who – even though this characteristic is a solid warning sign shared by all predators i have encountered – has absolutely no corruption about them. no zero sum game. word means something. goes above and beyond without incentive. unfortunately though it’s come to that inevitable stage that involves the heuristically constructed and continuously maintained element of emotional distance.

this would usually piss me off because 99.9% of times when someone does this, it is to convey something i already understand. and the remaining cases where this has happened were a straightforward case of don’t flatter yourself from the beginning

this time though, although it’s not that necessary; well i can understand. incidentally they have never seen who i really am, and even if they did – no matter what, they are just strictly unavailable to me in any event

nowadays the kind of barrier i am talking about is established very quickly and for a bigger repertoire of reasons. put there by basically all people who think you better not get any ideas

it’s a shame that i have come to expect it now no matter if i’m meeting someone for the first time, or if i’ve known them for ages until all of a sudden

all the people who don’t like me rely on everyone doing this, for one reason or another. it suits them because now they have an unfair advantage, and anyone i meet will keep away from me themselves – so nobody has to make any kind of effort turning them against me – i don’t even have the opportunity to disappoint them myself in person the old fashioned way

when i think about the way things were before. when the game was equal chances. where there didn’t seem to be much hurry to get away from me. amphetamine with black and white adidas superstar. mind fuck moments where things just started to get a bit weird. arms and legs won’t keep still. beastly chunk of caviar in the early hours of the morning, day 8

even though it sort of breaks me apart a little bit that i’m getting a wide berth i respect it enough such that it’s not needed. but at the same time … when i am free at last and the walls come crashing down, there’s no one else i would rather fucking give myself to if i had to think of something i would give anyone

the problem with me is that i go in deep. and it’s only a matter of time until i rise again

because you don’t know what awaits you down there

too many people, permanently located. staying there forever

the only path to heaven
is via hell

not everyone made it this far.