westid

looking at all the people who were starting to show up walking into town as i looked on being well dressed / to contradistinguish themselves from the proud all dayers probably as they used to do before crossing to the dark side later on, starting their wander round of the night in the bull

i never stopped being happy and proud of the beaudiful people. but i always kept from breaking my loyalty to them … and never told them of all the universe – intensifying pleasures i had known alongside them from before i was cast down from the beaudiful world. my loyalty doesn’t get as good a word in from the others these days – but i can attest with my legendary consistent world view … my loyalty is every bit as solid now as it was then. and it was a lot harder believe me, to disagree with what i had to say, back then. can forgive my faithful readership for having forgotten about that

anyway got an unexpected knock on – to be honest i was quite surprised. because i was absolutely fucking loaded which i had obviously continued to be yesterday – when big man needed a little boo boo – nothing depressing. see, i had taken a look at the people i wanted sround me – and come the nonsence yesterday i was managed with elite and skill, despite the “everyone is the same in the head” brigade having all but robbed me of my sense of entitlement

i won’t waste my determination of particulars, i had an everlassting state of minds, and whenver i found my way toward and then wanted something – i remember texting a fat barrage of worksrounds that would fuck off the documentation that i was expected to have but i wouildn’t be convinced come the time i needed it – see, i was getting my life back. it really was as real as that sounds

they come in and my place was best discribed as the sacred temple oubliette of the grand master enabler. people far and wide in this valley could attest first hand as to how fucking skilleed and very enthusiastic about my works of enabling

i can’t be cynical of my mutual friends and their very tactful arrival at a moment’s notice – something i had told them i would probably agree (if i remembered what it was) that’s the kind of shit that my last minute scenarios i had mentioned would have sounded like when i made one just before i went to renew my driving licence this particular week

“what do you have in mind?” they had obviously gone through something together and brought it back to me – looking at one another with an affirmation nod much like when i decide to do something with myself with a commitment to the end of reight then

you would see something like this in the not so distant past, where myself and some solid mates who had determined to trust one another on a level that reigned supreme over all … it was mosly a me thing. beecause i provided brown sugar which was more promintnet during my university / [burglar alarm factory when i was doing IT engioneering] years

you saw a lot more of this back in those days. anyway, i knew i was going to need a bit more sentient help around me once i had decided never to doubt getting my fucking birthright back such that i had allowed myself to believe

now i am a fucking monster. if i told you the way me and some sort of solid team would get together in our other time … you would think that i’m fucking radio rental. but i didin’t have a face that needed correcting as much – and there was the parochial us and them mentality of the shop floor

when i was cast down from the world of the beaudiful people … i was turned into a magnificent beast, my name was taken from me and replaced with an alphs number that a man locked away and forgotten about by the world would have instead of suck a name … for the rest of his life. i was of no exception as an observer in this day and age would readily see

that’s just the condemnation every one of the beaudiful people woulf get if somehow they had let themselves go, but it’s the ones horrified by the change in you will be the ones from whom letting go will cause you to fall. through the pollution cloud of the deprivstion chmbers [these were syndicates of people who would spend all day trying to think up a plan and then set out to find money once they were in the cover of darkness] imagine a perfecttly clened coffee tab;e surface … this is where the wouild have their glorious times like when someone allowed them to petrol station their bank card. during the dsy they would be planning …. all sast hunched up on old sofas, their legs conmstantly shaking, and some absolutely shit program that’s just on whenever you were using a shit TV. £10 tesco mobile phones in hand to accept any call (or make one, during the thought process) immediately

i can’t – and really haven’t – obscured the fact that i had some self destructively cheerful times and shared a coffee table with many kinds of people – themselves having long sinced cast down from the beaudiful people in the sky – ususally about the time they stopped having a moral objection to switching drinks and pickpocketing people in the beer garden … often from having had themsselves a magnigificent life before their own falls from grace from the very top

when i had met many of these people and progressed from the bottom feeders to the people with something about them / having their own money, not spending their time constantly on graft – ususlly because they knew a trade or had a job

i myself decided that kind of lifestyle was not for me, and returned to the indulgences i had when i didn’t twat all my money in three minutes. it is difficult to explain to someone briefly … but the rules that everyone must follow all their lives? those rules don’t apply to me, and people will sometimes notice that i am not affectted by a number of things which for most people are an inevitable presence in every adult’s entire life

although from before, and ever since my time at university … i have always had a fondness for the caviar. it is by no means absolutely essential to a healthily decadent everyday lifestyle. it’s horrible and sticky and gets all over your hands and in your eyes. even though i weren’t exactly designing home made RSVP stationery … i can recall many a reight then

now – i can tell you nobody surprises me with that kind of commitment anymore. when i had been fucked about and cajoled by an absolute institution for several years… the people you would have at your side – the vast majority of which noy even on your side … like some of the help i used to get with my living arrangements and other things normal people don’t have to fucking go through over and over again. i would tell them you’re fuckin reight. and make a power move – look right i know which side my bread was buttered … i’m not trundlinfg around in some trailer that a “GP” was making you fucking sit behind for 7 months, because i would ask him “are we there yet?” and this massive cunt of a man, the time of the one appointment that i was ever going to get a daily reminder of when hope become extinguished for me

give me someone who will listen to all my superfluous, and let’s not mention all the fucking multicriterial clinical briefing reports, which even detailed empirically developed private and permanently-isolated-person plan that would take the levels of dopamine in my brain – and make things fucking interesting, a strange fascination with “deep sounds” their 4th measure consistency makes like a machine built into your head through your system (or proper good headphones, where bass is adequately represented in a way that would electrocute my brain causeing me to let out the occasional “FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF”

i’m considered a volatile beast. the kind you would more than likely expect to find haslf submersed in a tanks, that the freak zookeepers who would look after me like a caged animal, while my vulgar identity i was reduced to having was scrubbed by teams on stepladders with hard bristled sweeping brushes. i missed mad things, like when i pale out and stay quiet because the weird shit going through my mind would cause more problems that it would solve. someone or other sitting on the floor in front of my long mirror, aand as my mind would drain of power the thoughts going through so fast .. would sit there in a speeded up time lapsed process of putting their face on anad doing their hair, finally belting my head because the dopamine weren’t enough to keep the phenethylamine shock from making strange patterns on the walls and the surfaces, which looked like something a toddler would scribe on the back of the toilet door using a crayon. sometimes – not now because i have plans that require my presence in deep to continue for a lot longer than no one has probably tried to tally up for time, going through times

it doesn’t go down too well my wort of trust that i form very carefully. people can fuck your plans up much faster than you think … but sometimes people have scalded me. your plans are subject to whims of peopel who can fuck your entrie life up because they aren’t the fucking don perignon. but as aomeone who has seen the fucking evil side of people who hide the vile spite on the other side of their fucking horrible fucking faces, that they probably need to take for a shit

even if i would go into any more detail to anyone, anywhere … it wouldn’t be good for me and even as far back as i can remember… its like the clockwork orange when the experimetntal serum kicks in as soon as he tries to protect himself or enjoy – as he no longer did – occasional lashings and thrashings of the ultraviolent. i wouldn’t even be able to track down a single one of them but i will sooner pick up a fork and ram it though my hand because that will distract everyone from where an old fucked up firmware update that went wrong tries to bring down around me the world of devious knifehandling and corruption that had a fucking corrosive atmosphere to carry off and knock the fuck out of a kid into – with the only observations being the observations he will get if he doesn’t keep it like gambling addicts … set up themselves in a fucking tightly knit kit, where they could stand back to back if they ever got surrounded and knaow that nobody would be there to stick the boot in

anyway i was going to get my life back, spent much of this week with piles of money i didn’t need – as things were already starting to click on and power up in my head … once i stopped turning my feelings off and allowed myself to accept – having mitigated the risk by landing the winning side, allowed hope to exist. then i started tp believe

but no one sees what i am, granted i constantly forget myuself … it was what i had been for better or worse my whole life. i wouldn’t be surpsised that i carried on being seen as that because that’s something everyone – no matter who they are – just do when you go through something as horrible and evelasting as i have

i pulled at the threads of what was around me… why would anyone fucking wick need to put me down with the test tube tedium testament of the [i’m guessing a plain pale yellow colour on the walls, with cloaret or somethin on very plain wooden shallow skirting board] insides of the place no mind mangled mentally maligned mortal man such as my deprecated self ever see on the inside?

for a long time i did encounter some bizarre things i had concluded, and even been told was just the way that i would be wired into the fucking maine … in my agreed conclusion on the matter. i have horrible mind mending side splitting psychotic subterfuge, that would squander away the phenethylamine shock … and when i came to conclusions that i remember spenmding one entire afternoon somehow i was surrounded, and although i may never know or discover why … i was a target of regular really strange delelopments that go from late in the evening where somehow i was seeing so many people and i would mistake them for someone i must have really confused the fuck out of lately – and i’m like who are these people? i myself miss the moments in my life where i would sit and chill on the floor outside … and some nights i was pulling my own eyeballs out trying to check if they were still wired in properly?

they would so the most unusual things and frequently someone as formidably fucked up as me would sit watching stunned in wonder. who brought these people together? you may recall recently i wss really stunned by what seemed as an uncanny ability to bring those situated around me… appear to unite as one against me. but even i will get fucking freaked out by someone who used tO laugh at me as i went out to my car … and i would get it and start laughing as well. would vanish every time i had come outside. and i’m not talking swaggering up to my sweet ride as i do … i mean as soon as the key come out the lock nothing

it’s easy to play the victim with me … and i remember fucked up moments where i’ve necked stockpiles of medication because i’ve gone and phoned for help – please fuck me, my head is falling off. i’m fucking surrounded … and what i got without fail have you taken your tablete?

i was working on a road trip to get my new drone from the disitribution centre so that i could start fucking about with it before some boring date / time that’s ridiculously fucking ages away moneay morning for fuck sake… and while in the last few days i had noticed – sometimes certain people will be well represented in my writings and they would turn up to listen to what i would have to say for myself ont eh other side of the front door

because i was gonna get my fucking life back i know someone who would start getting the fucking wind up whenever i start showing up some places. during my time as the cognitively condemned while i was fucking extinguished as a person for what i had come to expect the rest of my life … i knew as long as i lived here that just not going anywhere again was the perfect solution for practically everything

i had some fucking failure to function wi6h this person. people still laugh and joke about it because when they see me they would see some sinister [with whom we had once shared a special app=reciation of the caviar] the night my social media feed was full of gags about strangulation … one of the things that made me go missiong from multiple platforms of social medie

she even got somewhere that would turn up with her fucking shitfacded sneer that persists even to this day. so now i’m back to being baffled at the lengths all thesse people would go toward making obscure movements and doing weird shit … which lefgt me thinking who are these mad people? who would despawn as soon as the IR goes off first thing in the morning, making me wonder someitmes they would actually look like they had found a mad and original way tO fuck with my head usually i found it very original and funny

but a tit head who wandered up to my living room window, causing me to flash everyone on the A680 … it’s not second nature to remember you have some absolute bangers and why did i not fucxing think?

now it come to be like last time. surrounded. how do they all know each otner? why is that happening? *hello?* my head’s falling off who wanting to sort out being a wanker disappeared from the face of the earth

now the only tit in this scenario is me. i even had special windows so literally everyone wouldn’t have to look at me. and i had united them all as one fucking admirably. but i fucking clocked what i should have left alone

almost had it all fucking figured out. me and my fucking fault that finds things and fucking figures them out, once and for all

i’m not casting off anyone as bad people. i just found something again that made me realise you = work and any sort of attempt by me to be one of these other people, i had no agenda. and just wanting to sort it out for ages got made into all sorts of shit. and i have told them how the same kind of people [when i were stil allowed to be people] that i met when i moved in, moreso when i would be released from prison to find a more refined mix even than that

if you read up some fun fictitously sensationalised shitehouses of local journalism containing the prosecution narrative that was thrown out because it were always not true in some way … you might be wick enough to know makes it really easy to play the victim with me, and i will probaly get another damning indictment to add more people into the continuously obfuscated operation surrounding me … recoords that i’m not allowed access to about myself, pile on all kinds of un-necessary provisions that i am held accountable to. i get that

but while i’m wondering if i will come back from it this time, without a worriedly worded wondering are you taking your tablets, westid? … when i’m not allowed to own what i’ve done? and sort things out like someone does? all i said was i would have to feel like shit but that’s because i would need to

yeah sometimes the barrier i’m surrounded by, which has starved me of their existence for so much time – i don’t understand them, and sometimes i think i would like to chill with them, mostly making me go mental in some mad way. but it’s pretty shit when you know for damn sure that they will talk to you, or approach you as a real person … quite the opposite in fact

when i recently – which was probably ripped the piss out of – invited some people to see what my world realloooy looked like … fucking policeman lifting the blinds up and flashing my tits to some … wait ? hmmm ….. oh no this again. it will always be seen as my fault from here on in

to think til i did that i might have made it back to the category of [person] again. when i knew everyone else who were around while they were out of work … it never should have done what it did, while repeatedly denying the genuine sincere desire to sort it out. but when i wanted someone to see something that … tried to do it twice and felt sick, stopped being able to go through the computer. and somehow what would have been seen could not take away the ability to selectively acknowledge everything that i say … if you’re looking at what i did which means nothing will be reprimanded or called in accontable for something if it was said by me. somehow i’ve stumbled over something that will never be spoken of or seen from what it’s been doing to me – for so long. but i’m the cunt in any speculation in any circumstance …. and now somehow permanently the magnifioent beast who lose his fucking birthright and lives in his own personal chernobyl exclusion zone. as radioactive as i’m probably gonna get going on from this night and in that morning