it’s something i developed as an adolescent. i’ve been told that i have a strength and it comes out when i need to be strong for others. it involves going through a lot more pain than most people ever seem to encounter at all. i still feel every kind of pain and every moment of it… but if i really care about someone and that matters all of a sudden, for them, don’t really notice until i’m done being whatever is needed of me
sometimes people who were being tortured by their innermost pain, need to exact things onto others. i’ve been through times when the only way to let the rage out has been to direct it straight at me. i’ve not once been damaged by this, and no matter what pep talk someone gives me i’m never going to be able to hit back it’s just impossible i can’t do it / don’t expect there comes a time i ever will
if i had alarm bells they would be ringing like fuck at the moment. but i don’t care for alarms, so my observation continues silently instead. and why would they ring? usually because someone is more intelligent than me, i am impressed as i notice the way that they adapt more quickly to the [more than 1 as well fuckin hell!] people around them. when i’m driving through town, and it’s good to know everyone has remembered to take their thalidomide this morning, boring things like road rage just fall away and i think things like … i don’t even try anymore since it has become as fluent as the language we are speaking and – as someone who does say things that mean something completely separate for each person listening – trying to overinterpret just makes me obviously foolish, and truth be told it’d just kill the moment … i learn to graciously acknowledge the humiliation, and appreciate there being actual sentient presence in the room [and no, myself doesn’t count [nor qualify] ever]
i’m not longing for the unrealistic or the absurd. there’s nobody that i’ve got in mind while i think these things. and people who could be the eternal fire of your dreams, or your worst nightmare the devil made flesh. the excitement i think is in the not knowing. and then getting to know the things no one else must know, that you already understand you will never try to tell them either
i guess what i’m ruminating about is that i’d like to know / remember what getting to know someone feels like. live another day that hasn’t been 3 minutes of the cashier at the shop and then a full 24 hours of me. if i could shoot my gun through the mirror and kill my reflection then maybe it’s worth it sometimes, after all you never know it might be reincarnated and come back as someone else, someone interesting, someone good. i’m not being a suicidal sydney or anything, you can stand down the spaz ambulance for another day. i want my life back, it’s not wishing away
nobody has had that sort of control over my life, ever. i’ve worked really hard to make sure that nobody will somehow get hold of it as well. that’s usually how i find out that i’ve met my fuckin maker, because anyone who has found their way around that before i realise i’m in deep … is fascinating and – although it could be dangerous to know too much – i’ve got a couple of hours to kill how about you?
sometimes i will stay up for like 7-10 days, taking strong stimulants and when i think about it hard enough i can almost remember what it was like to be “up all night” and then take things to an even deeper level
you wouldn’t need to do anything like that with me, but i’ve pretty much mastered the “first time” … have this. it will feel better than anything you have felt before, and give you the perception that time is moving very quickly. swallow it with some yop [pro tip: yop is fucking brilliant once you drop with yop take a moment to appreciate my absolute wisdom] and then just forget about it – “waiting for it to kick in” is probably the most tedious thing you can do with any experience especially your first one, just forget about it and chat, put some tunes on i will blow your mind with my tech / deep house collection… one thing that really buzzes the weird fuck out of me, untangling jewellery. a mate who i know would just leave all of her necklaces and shit next to me and before i know it i’ve got them all nice and straight / laid out neatly ready to .. tangle up … once again. don’t get sucked into scrolling on your phone! once you start scrolling you will just sit therre in complete silence for what you don’t realise is 12 hours just scrolling down on your phone
and this afterthought does get interesting. on several occasions someone who doesn’t do this kind of thing comes up to me alone, why they pick me i don’t actually know, and asks me “what’s it like then?” … unfortunately there’s only one way to find out. but in a way it can be revealing for me as well. a standard night where i will mostly look down at my first pair of crocs and try and remember a time when i actually hated them and how that changed… it’s not always about chasing a “buzz” or whatever the sterile people who never do anything they’re not supposed to call it these days… sometimes a rare honour someone who is already interesting as fuck will come and tell me it’s time for them to sit down on my settee. what are they going to think about? will they come out with weird shit like i do? maybe they will have a unique perspective on the weird shit i come out with instead? i can’t believe it someone has actually chosen to trust me and they’re going to open my mind to all sorts of amazing things i didn’t know … might even start to adapt to me in some unusual ways
it’s not the centre of my universe but i will indulge when i’m in the mood for it, my bills are paid i’m one consenting adult in the pleasure of fascinating company, in the privacy of my own home, under what will suddenly become beautiful coloured lights; but when you see how good i look in my blue crocs you are gonna want to change it up from red and make everything blue… either you will or i will, the real deal is all about the mystery. enigmatic.
i don’t think anyone really does it to look cool. but it would be
you might want to put your system on so the bass is provided. i love trying to find out what deep sounds have the trickiest drop, the duttyest bass, try this cunt on for size
just an indiscriminate work of fan fiction that came from a good feeling. maybe / maybe not. you just don’t know. genius
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