westid

when i think that at one point this was just a climb, and it didn’t reach anything … didn’t even want to remind myself what it looked like, and i’m glad that – once again – it’s never gonna come to that ever again

some people have seen me back already, but they’re not going to recognise me for a while. bit of disbelief understandable … i don’t need to remember what it looked like to see the same people one by one close their open link, and not even tell me why, but i soon discovered why

i kind of understand. saying “i’m gonna do this” or “one day” brings the sharp overtone of the judge right to the top of the deck. i’m the kind of person that likes to please everyone, so i’m going to please the judgemental people by just cracking on until everything’s done. completely does away with the entire conversation

_{i’ve been fighting something for several years … i don’t even know what to call it or how it’s supposed to be treated because i’ve not told anyone about it – but i’ve always been able to like keep going even when some functions of the brain have stopped working. that’s a similar thing people do when they treat everyone else as though everyone is the same in the head as they are… you can hide in the plain sight of their denial, so i’ve lost my mind a lot more than anyone else realises. also people have kinda always wrote me off as some category of nutcase. if they knew what one was, then that would really mean something, huh?}

i’m looking forward to coming back. the equipment has all come online … done lots of upgrades so that it will have more power. if you’re not sure what i mean by coming back, i’m going to do something that will come as a bit of a surprise to some people, who might not even remember, but when it’s done i will look like myself again. until people start to see me again, they’re going to keep assuming that i’m going to stay like this forever … or they don’t remember me ever looking any different

when it’s all sorted, i know the procedure. new links are going to branch out. some links that went dead are going to light up. oh, i miss all our chats… i’m so glad you got back in touch. the way that things have been … it’s been quite some time that i’ve felt much like going anywhere, and when i changed … everyone changed. when that happens, the way you think you’re gonna come off when you talk to people is completely different and unpredictable. it would be fine if this is what you have always looked like, but people didn’t even recognise me

well, they’re going to change me back. when that’s finally done i will wake up and it will be as though it never happened. since that’s not going to be in the way of everything anymore, i’m going to be back. when people notice that i’m back all of a sudden, wherever the fuck that happens to be at the time, i would welcome their good company again. all the false shit and the people who wanna take the piss, you are cordially invited to have a moment and move on with me

i know i’ve been gone for a while, and not everyone’s gonna be happy that those days will be gone… but i was made in the valley. i was born and raised up shoot, and this is my town. so don’t be a stranger because i’m going to fucking enjoy myself

one curiousity though … what did you think i just forgot or something? it’s not like people didn’t know. i’ve never been desperate or anything so i don’t try it on with everyone, but something burning away inside is telling me that now i’m a bit more serious so i will probably try harder. and as always, again and again and again

sorry about that … i’m in deep and i just longed out for a couple of tunes. here’s something more deep while i continue …

if you don’t know how to listen to deep music, just leave it going while you fly though what you’re concentratinf on. the key is to don’t use skip to navigate to the next deep tune. you will hear the first 3 seconds of the track, they will all sound similarly preliminary, each time you skip again you’re denying what could be a fucking banger the chance to kick in. anyway furthermore …

i don’t know what things are gonna be like when i’m back in town, truth be told. my cousin best boys has only just come back after spending a long way from the heart of this town with his boys where he belongs. maybe if i wanna go on a mission but don’t know which direction it’s gonna end up going in … he will know what to do

a lot of people, most of whom openly do so themselves, put a bad label on me under the overly generalist umbrella “drugs” … even though i’ve been a recluse for a while, having not seen anyone; fuck you judge cunt, my bills are paid. my neighbours might look down on me after they found me sleep walking and surrounded on the car park … but they never have to worry about their things, and i don’t bring any bagheads burglars or bottom feeders to my door. i get wired on my own, go in deep with the tunes [deep house / tech], write software / render high resolution colour graded 4K video / maintain the highly secure and anonymous online platform that i created and provide openly on the internet

there is sometimes this background thing that i notice now and then. i’m not outraged that he doesn’t seem to mind (or even notice) that he’s an absolute dead end … the only thing that pisses me off is that she will rinse the best years of her life and her youth in this smashed up pone that she probably doesn’t even get the chance to decorate properly, until his stupidity inevitably lands him in prison, or she up and leaves him in the future but only because the instinct saying “it’s too late” has finally become too impossible to ignore

it’s not like she is crazy about me or i’m jealous or anything. i can just see instantly “control freak” “liability” “deadweight” … i used to be that sort of person but it’s scummy because in most people it’s not something that you should pick on within the first 3 seconds of an encounter. at first she bumped into me on her own and she was shitting it because numpty dumpty tried to set me up … with no idea if i’m gonna do something horrible to her because she knows what he did was a mistake and does not give a fuck about if she feels safe or not because other wise it would occur to think about something, anything, other than himself and what he wants and the fucking sad things he does all the time

even when i’m getting another eye rolling humdinger by the world’s worst criminal, she is nothing but nice and kind to me even when she is watching me figure out a set up right there and then. and i’m not even mad that he’s obviously trying to keep me there, while something else happens. i just think she gets nothing from him at all, all i can see is “massive knob” which is the only item on the list, and describes him in a number of ways that are nothing more than only those two words

then as i look across the many monitors that show me what’s going on across my whole hivemind system … sometimes i will notice people when they walk past. she owns herself, has the classic she knows it going on, doesn’t let the shitty things around her show on any of her clothes, always looks stronger and not to be fucked with when she’s on her own. like she makes up for everytime when a massive knob encroaches on her style. i attempt empathy. if i was being a massive knob somehow, you know instead of something else that her presence wouldn’t be “putting up with massive knob shenanigans” … for a change … i just think i would be shit scared of losing her. if i really needed to be a massive knob you know i would probably apologise to her and do something reasonable like you don’t need to be there when i do this knobhead gesture… why don’t you go home and brew up and i’ll be back in a minute

what happens instead: it’s 3am and they both split up when they get outside mine. he fucks off round the corner out of sight as if i’m going to fall for his cunning plan because he’s invisiible… while he sends her to go and wander around so that she is fully visible crouching around my gaff in the middle of the night on every camera

that’s the other side to his formidable genius. if i want to tell my landlord that it happens all the time and only to me, and it’s not my responsibility to grip him for it … i have to pull the flush down on her as well just to do it. BASTARD got me again

and on lots of random occasions when there’s [anything more sentient than this] more important matters to attend – i don’t sleep so that’s how i know that this sort of juvenile, spiteful shit that i barely notice because it happens all the time. i’m watching some sort of light shining in my yard, a little pebble gets periodically thrown at my back window whenever he remembers to do it, and through all of it there’s what appears to be a massive knob hiding round the corner, never convincing snyone that he’s not there all the while they’re wandering around in the dark, in the outside, in the early hours of the morning

so if you’re going to get judgemental on me and suggest i’m a bad person because of the nonspecific attribute “drugs” … i don’t think my harmless indulgences and deep appreciation for weirdness are in any way lacking a moral governance protecting myself and those with whom i share a responsible closeness from imminent harm, risk by association – i wouldn’t say “massive knob” is something that i care to declare an association with at any kind, even if it is cleverly hiding around the corner. but it’s definitely letting itself down when you see it constantly more interested in being around me – like there’s really nothing better it could be doing if it’s wide awake in the early hours of the morning

sometimes when i notice people and see that they’re also in session; i try to imagine how it would be going right now if i was in a relationship and i was the one who had the role of planning missions and keeping things moving.

in case you were wondering how i would handle things, and because one night i really did have absolutely nothing better to do, it turns out i could actually introduce a partner and adjust to include us both in the problem. bringing us both to a very comfortable 7-10 day cycle, never run out reloading once a month, “you might have cute version of this in the past and that’s cool, but this is what going in deep feels like from now on” [deep house / tech music starts playing] … i’ve been in a few double acts in the past, but my level was a serious step up, every time …

for a while i took some time to work on my self discipline and now when i clock peeople who are in session, it would not need to be any different for join me, and get on my level instead. and everything else that would need takin care of isn’t even fucking noticeable. you think you’re so responsible and sterile. (a) electric stays on til the end of the month. ooooooo, i nearly pulled a muscle working on that one (b) kid wants a lift back from the pictures in bury (c) you have to go to rawtenstall post office by this date with this money to update your driving licence (c) while you’ve got the time, because you live for free and all i want is for things to look nice when i walk in from work tonight

and i actually see people not even come through with basically background shit that doesn’t even require thought in the first place

bag head bad boys who turn up intermittently, but they don’t actually live there or sleep in the same house at night. but they can still be there for the kids. some people i have had real feelings for, don’t see me as a real option. because i’ve never been in the situation. but i live for free, it doesn’t cost me anything

if someone earned more than me or some shit like that, i wouldn’t need her to sub me in if we both want to go anywhere and do something. fuck it why don’t you have the night off and drink while we’re out? i’ll take us there

maybe i shouldn’t be thinking about all the easy shit i could pick up at a moment’s notice. all i’m doing is getting my appearance back so i’m just like the others who i have been watching have a sweet life going for them while i was learning what it’s like for the world around you to go completely quiet

i lost everything. pretty quickly while that was happening, i was gone. i’ve got demons you will never know in your life. now i’m meant to be coming back. let’s just leave it at that. it’s not as though i’m trying to get everything back, but i have more now than i did in the beginning. what i want to know about is if something else that went away will come back. if it does, i’ve been to the other side … and i have never felt so sure that somehow i know what love is now, and i’m more serious because that naive please everyone thing that just wasn’t working for me

i wonder if anyone remembers what i look like. too good to be true? i fucking love a good comeback. and if i remember right, i was pretty fucking good at it. why don’t you show me a good comeback yourself, if you happen to notice when i’m back. until then, it’s bank holiday weekend and i’m in deep… what happens now, the choice is yours

actually no it’s mine

a dedication to the people who were just in the right place at the wrong time.

i know you’re not going to, but things are getting better for me. whatever you’re trying to spell out for me i can’t read it. if you’re going to come and talk to me, i can’t come after you… i would like people to see me showing you respect, and understand that you came first. you can tell me whatever you need to … i’m having a private celebration because a lot of things that i’ve been working on have gone really well, and i’m about to start the two week project. will you help me move on from all the things that i’m not going to deny myself about anymore. would you not just tell me straight whatever you think i am or how much you don’t like me… at least it’s really coming from you and we’re not just pulling faces at each other through other people. i’m sick to death of piss taking people – if it’s possible to hear 1 thing straight from you then how many times would that have happened?

are you not looking around you and thinking you should be above this shit now because that’s the way you feel about it all … but you’re surrounded by people who will never leave it beneath them because they will feed off whatever falls at the bottom. i don’t want this to go on forever, and you know how shit it’s gonna be every time that we see one another

i’m not even pissed off you get on so easy with everyone else tell me what’s that like? it was very important that we got on well with one another. i never heard anyone else’s name give a fuck. fucking night after night. this complex about you needs to go … because yep everyone’s fucking weighed in, but i’m not going to plead my innocence because i don’t need to. it’s time to accept that i might have been a bit exaggerated by some people who just didn’t want you to like me

you can come and talk to me. ask any person there are a lot to choose from … if they knew me all my life growing up …. can you come and talk to me. they will not doubt me for a second

here’s a fucking masterpiece …

basically: before it didn’t matter, nobody was gonna see much of me ever again anyway. life’s easier for everyone. now, i’m not going to be like that anymore; i never was in the first place. can’t chase after you i can’t make you talk to me. don’t want to go back to shit like you sending guys to square up to me in the middle of the street. i know so much i literally know everything. i want to know the root of why you hate me so much, because you would much rather sort things out than keep this up forever and ever amen

i used to love your bitch face shots that you did on facebook. but i never had any nasty thoughts about you ever i don’t want to piss you off or whatever this is anymore. i know it wasn’t an accident that you all discovered this place, but you’re spending a lot of time brewing this over in your head. you don’t need to go though anyone or anything you have absolutely nothing to worry about from me. you can tell me anything you want if i enrage you so much maybe i can do something about it

this is something that is worth sorting out now because i don’t want you to think that me getting back outside and recovering from something that was really destroying my life – is just some sort of stupid attempt to get in your face or is about you in any way. you don’t have to get scared or upset and i don’t sleep so you can come whenever you want

your mates don’t know anything about me so they can’t decide what to think. i know things you can never even talk about to your friends. things that i have been told. told me everything. everything about you. why you’re so important. what makes you so special. forgot all about this daughter and how they haven’t seen one another for six years … it just didn’t come up

i know that women who have no intent on picking a side of the discussion have come to you, because they have seen what i’m like behind closed doors. just to tell you that me hurting a woman is ridiculous and completely harmless

nobody needs a to threaten me or anything. your mates will learn if they get to observe me empirically over time. i already know you are not scared of me at all. but you are very thoughtful, and i know that this will be something that you will want to seriously think about

if anyone wants to start judging me there’s no need to bother. yes i take drugs, that’s what i like doing; i don’t think that there’s anything wrong with what i’m doing and take a look at anyone who pointed a finger at me and ask yourself if they’ve got a jib for the pub by tea time

obviously it’s important to make you and all your friends understand that i will always try to make you feel safe and that’s why i can’t come and talk to you – this is your decision and you don’t have anything to be concerned about

the version of you that never talks has walked in. and one of her eyes lit up like a torch in my face. i don’t know what that means. none of it means anything. you can do whatever you want – i just have a lot to get through, and trying to stay out your way by basically cutting myself off from everyone isn’t something that i’m going to do when i’ve gone through the outpatient recovery stage. obviously you don’t need to talk to me or anything – i think that’s a given … but if there’s ever an encounter and i can help you or whatever, it wouldn’t be taking the piss or anything for you to ask

i don’t know why, but it looks like you could understand that whatever you were so in thought about meant the sudden police presence flying around. and that’s what i meant. there even comes a time where you move on from being around things like this