westid

something deep for your ears:

because it’s saturday and that, i’ve decided to give you something a bit different this time – i’m not very good at psychology because when i was little and i heard everyone going on about “did derren brown give you toothache as well?” and i thought why the fuck would you actually want to let someone get in your head like that?

but i’m going to have a go at it myself. and give you a little cognitive exercise to try out

context: a surprising amount of people have come to me recently because they were suffering from shame … i unknowingly inspired them to turn that feeling into guilt instead which is a good feeling they finally let themselves enjoy

if you’re one of those people, then see if you can make your mind do this crude but effective process

look down at your crocs, it’s difficult to not feel sexy as fuck – so you enjoy that for a couple of minutes until you’re satisfied enough to proceed to step 2

now jog your memory on this one … remember just how much, and for how long – be honest, years, so many years! – you have hated these god awful contraptions, simply wouldn’t be seen fucking dead. every time you saw them you wanted to wash your eyes out with bleach because oh my days how fucking tragic

when you have brought back the absolute vitriol, ask yourself (in your thoughts, not literally) how did this even happen? concentrate your thoughts on the unmistakable truth … somehow your mind was changed. when was this? how? if you need a rough scope for how long the solid hatred was going on for, i started wearing these revolting shoes in 2010, so fifteen years give or take

now i’m going to tell you the same thing that i told the other people who were scared of letting everyone see how they’ve completely hypocrite themselves – none of them can say shit and apparently (i have recently discovered) a lot of them are waiting for someone else to do it first because they have somehow ended up the same way

feeling like a sellout doesn’t need to hold you back! now that you have tried my cognitive exercise, you will have now realised that thinking about how much you hate / how many pairs have you got now? it’s somehow a good feeling, if a bit sleazy and dirty

crocs are made of something, and the fact that it makes you instantly flood your basement is nothing to be ashamed of. just remember how much you hate them and practise this cognitive procedure until it reverses you … it shouldn’t take very long

come out of your holes people. the more you hate, the harder the guilt … there is no room in my heart for shame. no shame in my game

i didn’t know that this was a thing until lately. the best explanation that made the most sense, was “anything before two years ago no, but after that yess”

none of you will believe me but i knew that this was going to happen eventually, right from the beginning. you can try to hate me for being so ahead of my time, but deep down you just hate yourself, for [i am very curious to find out just what happened two years ago]

because i caused a mini wave of closet cases come clean about their crocs this week – i decided to get a new pair of crocs instead of some more adidas trainers. as my real readers know this would have been a big deal as it entails choosing crocs over adidas, but don’t try and come it … you all know perfectly well once that seed is planted, it’s only natural to want it grow

you’re telling all your mates i’m a weirdo but at the same time you’re looking down and having a little blush because you know exactly what i’m on about!

sometimes when i least expect it, someone really fuckin lands it with their crocs. and i hate them because i never thought of em like _that_ before but now i have. and it’s not fair because i’m very easily led

now shut up and bow down to the emperor: