westid

i think about it all the time. all your mates, all my mates. taking the piss but i didn’t care. every chance i got more and more, we would find each other there. you only saw the people who were letting me down, think i’ve give myself to. but through the unanimous frames of everyone else, they were seeing all about you

if you really thought i gave a flying fuck about anyone else, then i suppose it’s true when i say that the only reason you were blind to it was because it was coming your way. i had no right to want you to stay, but it must have been real because sometimes i think about everything and miss a blissful fucking time in our lives which i could only have let myself enjoy it harder – because when you and me were a thing, i regret nothing

does it ever occur to you that your life is completely different, i’m not trying to take the credit but when i trace everything to back then, i can’t tell if she was right – you know who i mean – and i was just wrecking a home… but i can remember when things first started to change and the spectacular transformation that looked like you slowly became something that you really wanted again

if the fact that everyone loves you wasn’t enough, watching the confidence that you had in yourself was more intoxicating than anything else i might have been feeling at the time, and ever since. i shouldn’t care but i still do, that the last time i remember us seeing each other, you told me how you thought i was mates with someone and all i could do was sink because of all people you had got the wrong impression but there was nothing i could do because i really wanted to show you

things are different now, and i understand that. actually it’s pretty difficult not to understand, but sometimes yeah i do think about you and think that i would like to be in your orbit again etc. not because there would be anything to gain for me, especially now. because all that time ago, and ever since – i have never doubted what a kind and brilliant person you are, and the things you do for people. you know that and i’ve always told you because – i hope that it’s different now – i could never comprehend that you would ever doubt that of yourself

i’m looking down at my hands in front of me, and watching myself start to turn invisible and disappear. i’m literally vanishing into the ether, and while i do it occurs to me that you would see me even when i’m completely out of sight, it’s silly really, to think that there was once a time that you might, and curious i let myself turn invisible more still – for the brief fleeting moment think it would be worth it just to find out that all this time it was true and even after all the rest of this time, i was right