westid

sometimes the ignorance going on around you is so ubiquitous that it requires some kind of gauge from time to time … tells you what distance you have wandered astray from where you are, sometimes deep behind enemy lines. but they’re nice to you because they don’t understand what’s going on underneath, and “everyone’s the same in the head” mentality reigns supreme. when this occurs to you, everything just changes and suddenly your predicament is so very real – you’re surrounded and need to get the fuck out of here

anxiety isn’t your brain malfunctioning because one part of it is arbitrarily adjacent to another. it’s another mechanism, like everything else evolved from the inside out. you can either stand still and hope no one notices when they come about and approach making another pass. they might have already clocked you and are about to bang a couple of holes in your torso for your trouble. on the other hand, you could have successfully accomplished the office of “hiding in plain sight”

as usual with brains, some people picked one and survived / entropy because some people did it and died. the exact same thing is said for the alternative – egress. abort. scatter.

because i’m this sort of unusual person; i talk to myself, have protracted discussions with someone who isn’t there, see things in a completely different context that actually isn’t happening at all … difficult to predict the vast majority of the time, lose myself in other people’s fantasies – right now i’m in deep with this very wealthy person, picking things out for him to buy someone- that you wouldn’t stand a chance of matching like for like, but are just too pretty to throw away

it’s like that man who runs the country, and his wife i forget her name but she had a beautiful name one that i’ve always been fond of but not allowed to say for a bit. would you let someone who is fucking wadded buy intimate things for your partner? all i know is that his gifts are very thoughtful, and my favourite kind … something that has a point of no return element. he doesn’t even bother wearing his wedding ring anymore; the neo-liberal machine is grappled in the shockwave of institutional sleaze

sometimes i will decide i don’t want money – especially when someone strolls up to you and they think the situation is foregone because of how much money they have got and everyone else is a sellout so you probably are too – one thing that impresses me is when there is such substance about a person, they’ve already figured that out and instead they have gone to the trouble of appreciating you with much more thoughtful a gift

everything i haven’t accomplished or got already, are things that i most likely am never going to have. and if i were to just tell you what these things are, most of it would probably sound familiar. let’s give that thought a bit of room to take on: i just wanted to put things right, but they never gave me the chance. if i could set you free then i would let it all happen to me. more deserving of it than i could ever be, a solid game changer i would love to grant unto thee. all the things, people, answers i never see – but will miss always, and honour in my own way for all eternity

then there’s the other stuff. put this tune on and invest a little bit. [listen & read]

so much other stuff i am so taken by, always have been, but i don’t give it enough. or do i give it too much? the voodoo / locks me into place and starts burrowing into my inner thoughts

one thing i do know is how much i get from it. listening to the twister that ties you up in knots. loaded, like a coiled spring. i don’t know what it’s going to be like but i’m like starting to feel this energy build up around me. familiarity … i’ve been there before. [♀=♀=♀] some things you couldn’t ignore, but that’s what it was like back then. just building around me, the innocuous structure starting to coalesce. what are all these things starting to fit together for?

then i will hear it just the same, like i fell backwards and the place i am in time flies back 20 years and i’m on my own even though surrounded by people but actually somewhere they will never recognise because their storyline is different to mine. i sat there and let the words in, that it’s hopeless. my cause is lost. there’s nothing you can do. all the walls are closing in around you. there’s a traitor inside your tiny mind that will betray and sabotage your plan of escape and already i can crush everything and anything that you can possibly try to

switch: it’s hopeless to resist? then i can just take things as they are, and accept. hwoa

i’m not stupid, nothing’s going to happen. unlike the musings that you come here to share with me as we go through my thoughts and feelings together – i’ve got a completely different perspective on life than you. it’s not as though i don’t want to, but the kind of mind – i find – that manages to break through … takes an unrealistic level of expectation that’s never going to be strong enough to get through all the nonsense and properly isn’t too good to be true