westid

you must give another piece of yourself to satisfy your greed at the altar of the mastodon

i haven’t been glorifying the secret weapon that was masterfully blasted like a deadbolt that locked my heart up tight, or deluded myself into believing that it’s totally impossible for me to fight back against what is happening

actually i’ve been thinking about an healer. who can take a look at me and realise that i’m not hopeless at all, with just one link i can rewrite the narrative in a numbber of ways. some genuine compassion, and i can accept anoother one connection – not there because it was doing a job, not kept there by a week day schedule

there is an overcomplicated rift what opened up because all the times i volunteered to take the iniitative were denied. i would have gone through some discomfort but that’s why i was – while misunderstandings were causing even more silence and inaction, which could have vanished in seconds – there ready to own that because i made it and this would have seen an obvious false alarm … no need to go all boring and shit he’s just a knob head who saw a ghost looking back at him that wasn’t anything we could have faked or known was going to set him off … a little emotional release and a quick “thank fuck for that” glance at one another that he never noticed, there that was my big plan and then the lord created man – the end

as i lay there thinking about everything … all i could think was if someone who understands me would come round and be that challenge which is sometimes needed when doing things like building a new relationship … also part of the maintaining / mending which involves the exact same emotional release

would i be expecting too much by thinking we would both like very much to see one another for a bit, a chance for both of us to show ourselves that we didn’t need to be hidden away from one another – i vaguely remember a presence of unwaivering confidence – and once we’re past that with all the misunderstandings and un-necessary speculation squared away that we would both feel so much better about it all for the rest of the day?

when i’m having a moment sometimes i just think fuckin reach into my world because purpose is so hard to come by i wouldn’t die if someone who probably understands my emotions let me get to properly know them and wouldn’t be a dick about it for once if i said something unacceptable like “hi” … without needing some kind of solid reason why, which never used to be so fucking mandatory to get more than just a cunty blue tick perhaps even more than a one word reply – steady on now let’s not go craazy fuckin hell – deep down though it’s still easy to completely forget myself and that’s not what people see when they look at me

every time i make that mistake i go through it all over again. i remember someone who could level me out when i had to phone in because my head was falling off. nobody else is as sure of themselves as this 1 person who could decide to change everything used to be. they knew that things i did like making sure people feel safe, wanting to be challenged if i’m being prejudiced or ignorant, were always and still are important to me

yeah i’ve been chipping off bits of this monday morning mastodon, going through ways i can ask someone when right here they might not even end up getting to see. but isn’t too difficult the concept of saying i wish you would come and knock on because i remember how kind and disarming just speaking to you for a bit would still probably turn out to be

if you want we could fuck off out for a cruise, that’s good because i never worked out if you do drive and if you were as good at it as me

there are so many people i used to work with have a drink at their house, play darts, smoke a couple of spliffs but none of them seem to be about or they just don’t recognise me

hang my head. drown my fear. til you all just disappear ….