westid

my faithful readership, you honour me by accepting the things that wander free in my thoughts, yet don’t seem to belong anywhere else

… and my diligently created fictional works that tell you what you want to be told …

i dunno, in the past it was always some sort of secret. no one would ever guess but a fuckin lot of people knew. it was always there but no one talked about it

somehow i think things have changed.

since forever i always hoped that it would one day become mainstream, but i think that might have been a big mistake

just for the record i admire everyone who has somehow found their own sense of liberation and am glad we live in a world where it isn’t all about your cup size any more. and god knows what else i will never know in my life they may still be expected to endure

it doesn’t take up much of my time, but for some reason i’m known for having certain “quirks” and sometimes people they will try and bamboozle my thoughts and make me leer like fred west watching the video camera from his spare bedroom

alright some of them were just frustrated because it never worked when they tried to use their tits and now it’s payback time

don’t get me wrong, if you think i’m just going to abandon all of my standards and proposition anyone just because they found out one minor thing that winds me up, then you’re going to be disappointed

but today got me thinkng about the tsunami of self control and decade after decade of discipline it took for me to – even still unsuccessfully – sit down and engage, even though something was gripping me inside and i was squirming trapped with no patience for calm cool controlled which on some days is so frustrating and begging for there to be chaos

some people are really psychological about the way they do things and how they come across to you. i have always feared people like this because no matter how clever or cunning you think you are, at the end of the day they know things they can do … and it will work on you no matter how hard you try because it works on everyone and unless you’re one of them, there can easily be no way to see it coming so all you can do is block yourself from seeing or hearing any of them

as a child i remember that derren brown they would be talking about some shit he did on channel 4 or something and all around me i’m hearing “wow did you get toothache too?” and “he got someone to pay out even tho it’s a losing ticket” … well being me, that was confirmed from there on in. no fuckin chance mate, you’re not givin me toothache or making me pay you fuck all. and then the battle lines were drawn

not so long after that i was regularly assessed and examined by specialists that they sent in from the council. i thought they were all morons and fools, certainly on an errand for fools. but they found a way into my head, and a group of them – whom i annoyed and frustrated on a daily basis in the compulsory education part of my life – quietly went through their findings, gathered together, manipulated the circumstances and all of a sudden it came out of nowhere and i felt surrounded

one, by one, by one, they put it all in reverse. and i just malfunctioned. it was confusing, it was fucking incredible. i had no right to answer back, i caused total chaos on a daily basis and with no way of stopping me. just the same as anyone who lives in the place i do, i would feed on their frustration, their anger, in ways they could not identify; certainly control

as i look down at my sneaks – oh yeah i got some new sneaks by the way – there’s such an epidemic of really nice sneaks at the moment. must be subliminal messaging embedded in my spotify subscription or something, i’ve start to notice them. when i’ve got a spare 1er laying around i might get some more, but they are not meant to be looked at from above

i’ve got to be careful about what i say because it’s getting really impossible to not notice. some people they think that i will do anything so most of the time they’ve got no chance

but today i awakened to a circumstance that i did not plan for, because i was trying to explain the inside of my head, but i can not tell anyone. some people they know that there’s something but can’t quite figure out what it is or how to elicit that particular response from me

i’m not lonely or scared or whatever. and it didn’t make sense so clearly as lately, as i could barely keep myself in my seat flapping my arms and legs about like a mong. i miss the mind fuck. the uncertainty, the risk that someone will figure out that they’re getting loads of attention now they have new sneaks and when i think about it i feel like such a sell out, that i have disgraced distinguished deviants everywhere

yeah if i’m ready for it, someone will not have a chance of winding me up because in reality that’s all they want to do and there’s no particular investment from myself into it. but what i really longed for all these years was the power dynamic … trying to reign supreme, trying to not let someone else reign supreme. giving it all you’ve got when you’ve been so gas lighted to fuck you don’t know if you have nice sneaks anymore

i was so close to seeing that today, it only occurred to me when i had a flash back [the things that i do manage to remember can appear very vivid to me] and generally – for any man – some days are more wrong for some things than others

it’s a good thing that today went my way. even though i didn’t really know what to say, i don’t think it would have made much sense

what i’m left with now though is how frivolously your grasp on any kind of control can fall on the floor, sending you stumbling there after it, because it wobbles your house of cards that you have impressively been the way that i am but could be completely fucked for trying to think you could handle any more

just because i can embed things again does not mean i’ve forgotten about the free loaders sat in the cheap seats for my performance ;D