westid

no one ever learned me how to do it. but i can smirk at the dopamine… up to its old tricks again. it can still see me coming, only now it’s up to me and if it’s going to happen i will decide how, where, and when

i never lost my innocence, it was stolen from me. for so long i thought if i saved my soul a bit longer, it will pay off more so i never sold it. didn’t notice the irony, sadistic as it may be, the whole worthlessness of the economy

every so often i stay up well into the night, my laboratory. making things so right, i quickly come to master everything that i put my mind to. when i found bugs, i was humble enough to think someone will have noticed that by now. now when i report bugs, it’s always something that they never seen before. and i give them fixes and workarounds too, as i further explore

with computers there is definitely an atmosphere of arrogance. one of my lecturers was in the working group that developed ipv6, and he had his own entourage of nerds. apple computer because they would pay for the privilege of having unix, rather than roughing it with those open source freeloaders in the cheap seats with ubuntu linux

in most of my lectures and seminars, i didn’t belong there. there was the odd tutor who liked the stupid names i used to call things, or that some of my java projects used goto, a most hated practice – but i didn’t get into any elitist clique of my own

it occurs to me sometimes, the things that i’m doing just because i’m interested in them … people get paid thousands of pounds for doing this, don’t have to come into the office most of the time, even have company cars – which i have always known re: what car i would want

now i’ve got resources, infrastructure, means to various ends, that i created myself. that i’m still working on all the time. the only thing missing is my disdain for anything involving money, or talking about money. still, i don’t feel the lack of belonging that one usually encounters at the office … that’s something i can enjoy whenever i like

i don’t need your pity, or your love. i’m never going to be no desperado. i still have my sense of moral governance, still given to the pravail of good versus evil. still here through “hell and high water.” still west in the head. i took the easy way out. come what may, i’ve got what i want and when i go to get it i don’t fuck about

we all have our critics, but they must have run out of ideas because i can’t hear owt. if bonding with people involves a load of slagging someone off, i’d rather go without. which brings me to my opening thought

there’s dopamine catching me looking again. no i’m not going to give you the satisfaction. to me dopamine is that shit friend who brings about nothing but chaos and disorder. you think you’re so high and mighty? well then consider this

why do loads of you cheat on your partners? have kids where the dad fucked off and didn’t give a shit about. get beaten up and battered by boyfriends because the things that once made you beautiful now instead mean you’re a slag who can’t stop looking gorgeous to other people. need to source a jib of cocaine because otherwise it doesn’t count as a night out. ruin the lives of your entire family because you can’t stop stealing their things to buy yet another crack pipe. stay awake for a 1 week lock in [minimum] with nothing but cigarettes and a bag of amphetamine to keep you both going all day and all night

so many times i’ve looked around me and that one lad used to be reight until you realised that he is a complete prick with his partner, or his partner haves the eyes out of his fuckin head. watched people fiending for a crack pipe, never knowing that if they injected it instead they wouldn’t have fucked their whole lives up. i’ve fiended myself, for a number of things

i’m not going to say that i’m above all that shit now. but i don’t have any prejudice against it. if i couldn’t afford something i went without. and that takes some fucking character. if i do dabble in any extra curricular activity, i never robbed people or beat them up, took advantage of the helpless. i can get in my car and fuck off anywhere anytime i like. my bills are paid. i have no children of my own but my family is important to me, and i do things to help them

not gonna lie though i miss the people. your best friends and your worst enemies could be sat around that table. with me though it always took too long to figure out which category those really were

i’m getting by on my own, and if i’m worthy then the next chapter will start for me. there are some people who have got [or have been given] the wrong idea about the sort of person i’m made out to be. i can’t eat spam and egg buttys any more, there are so many things i’ve overcome but now it’s all said and done it’s too late to regain the people i lost when those obstacles that i’ve dealt with now meant that i couldn’t be there for them before

i don’t know what i’m pouring my heart out to you for. i’ve got a weak spot sometimes for you, my faithful readership. maybe because it’s another way dopamine keeps trying to ride me like the clutch of that sweet company car

even if someone amongst your silent countenance, was to find this and truly hears my consistent call that will not yield… dopamine would find a way to make up a honey trap and try to make me look like i was so weak none of my feelings – so deep down into me they go – had any substance

well people have tried, and i didn’t realise what was happening at the time until much later, but my resolve kept me protected from the things that can only truly affect a man if he is in some way dishonest or has about him subterfuge of any kind

that’s why i can look at the dopamine, yeah… nice try motherfucker, i’ve got your number. the joke’s on me though, because i don’t always see it coming. sooner or later you’re gonna let your guard down, you can’t be vigilant all the time

i say go for it. enjoy yourself, there is nothing like that feeling. so wrong, so naughty. but nobody’s caught me, or got me alone. i’m a man with an heart beating in my chest, the same feelings as anyone else gets. but there will always be a part of me that loves the dopamine, even if i only get to feel it on my own

it’s the part of your mind that has provided you with every feeling of pleasure and bad habit any of you has ever known. but nobody learned me about that, the only way you can learn that is if you feel it. it’s not anything particular that i have been shown

this is a shout out to every one of you people … reading my verses, who in the day is all popular and nice, upstanding, maybe even posh … even if it’s just the voice they put on while using the telephone. but has their own little vice, because it gives you that proper feeling – when you can sense what’s going on