westid

not the fuckin memory card story again jfc

yeah – i am an hypocrite, never denied that. most people take a quick look, don’t bother looking beyond the face of it; come up with some sort of argument against me that they will only tell other people and i go on quite well knowing nothing about it

the problem i have is – first thing, it’s just a paranoid theory concocted by a [nut case / drug addict / both]. then i tell them all my theories, sometimes they write it down … i like them ones. then if someone ever gets to read that [cos i don’t] they might humour me and look closer

eventually anyone that does dig deeper; after the devil’s advocate, through the lifestyle lecture, having a flick through the paperwork [but there was a lot so i didn’t read it …. ffs] they come back to me one day and there’s this face i can’t quite describe it. like “the argument’s over” … not because i win, because the opposite is a given before anyone talks to anyone, whether it’s behind my back or it’s prepared nicely in an appointment. they’ve seen what i’ve actually been through and it’s like yeah i wouldn’t know what the fuck to do either … very different from any other kind of face that many people persistently pull behind my back or in my face. gestures can be included in a written message now … we didn’t have that when i first completed the internet

the last stand
one day, could be today – could be years and years from now – all the people who were united by their mutual contempt for me are going to rise up, and like most people who are on their own, surrounded by a complete set, i will finally fall. whatever that means in the context of each person, will ultimately land on me. whatever satisfaction that they want to get just because something bad is happening to me, will be delivered in full and on time. whatever remains in the history books of me, will be something inconvenient like the amphetamine fed to our heroes in the second world war … some devout enthusiasts might uncover this and write a book about it … buttttt it won’t really be that successful and probably be the future version of what we presently call cancelled

people and things that are not there
i’m not a very superstitious person, certainly not very spiritual. it all sounds a bit made up to me. i have thrown the fucking gauntlet down before god – might come to regret that, but it’s too late now either way – but i can conjure people up whether they are real or fictional, dead or alive. they don’t just appear and talk to me, they exist in the periphery. i will sit up in bed yelling and remember it like someone was sat on the bed listening, or waiting, or talking to me – but as is the case with dark targets, don’t look straight at them use the corners of your eye. reality is too real for anything more than that … i reach out for someone who came without me asking, and in what could be forever infinite cruelty, they disappear. whatever they were trying to say vanishes vamonos. really fucking cruel joke your own mind can play on your perception of other people

of course everyone thinks that i am just beholden to one person. you can think that if you want; if that’s really what you think and your image of me, then come and help me look for this fucking person please. this year, i said to myself right i’m not gonna look any more. like i wouldn’t make an effort if i knew someone was coming. i don’t keep everything in the prone position in case someone ends up being here however unlikely you might read through my shit and hope for it to be. like i’ve never had to adapt to a new person because there’s more at stake now. like no one has ever been a top mate right up until they snake you up the ass because they want to shag a woman i’m talking to nonchalant, take a wedge of my money and fuck off with them. like i wouldn’t be capable of going in deep any more like i used to. like the story of outcasts would be too street-wise to cross paths with my own. like my storyline wouldn’t shake the fucking foundations of your whole world and leave you in the same mess many of the people i have brought here would like to see. like i’m not someone anyone would want to be. like no one else could be right for me

taken in and turned inside out
some things yeah no one is ever going to agree with or understand. you are literally judging someone who has finally accomplished everything they worked for, that now has nothing better to do. meanwhile i do “computers” and whatever else i can get my hands on. there’s another side to that, one i can be proud of. i don’t owe anyone any money, there are no default notices on a direct debit, i can go wherever the fuck i want at any time of the day or night, there’s a roof over my head which i’ve kept despite being attacked / robbed / smashed to fucking kingdom come / “checked up on about my welfare” / jailed a number of times / impoverished for a variety of reasons, not impoverished any more, paid for anything wrong i ever did – if you think i haven’t been punished for even the slightest little thing that i’ve done in my whole life fucking think again and let it go – trust me whether you’re with me or against me – i got mine. and speaking of which i’ve never been closer to my family no matter what might or might not happen, i don’t project my shit problems on other people who don’t deserve it, saved so many lives in the last five years than most people get their whole life, though i light a candle up there and in here because i can’t save everyone and i really appreciate that now. i’ve noticed a lot of attitudes toward me change for obvious reasons but i’m still in here and i will come back somehow. just like those people i won’t be crippled because i want it now

my turn
i can’t rescue my good name from that time three people set out to destroy me, but what i can do is shatter that into pieces by showing you all what i’m really about, no matter how it might annoy me. after everything i’ve been through and all the dick heads who sent themselves in and got fished out; there’s not really much of a margin humiliation can make because that’s one of the things which reverses me. you shouldn’t reverse me if you’re against me or sparks will fly. don’t give me so much as an ember because i will burn the fuckin sky. the sky has fallen down, the emperor being fitted for a new gown. how can i be expected to make any room in my heart for shame, and why it’s so ambivalent bad feelings feel good, yet never will change how much i love this fuckin town

for better or worse, everyone can see. sooner or later anyone who is honourably minded will realise their own way that they were sold something wrong about me. quite a few people have come forward and apologised for the things they let themselves believe too easily, and never questioned the sincerity of what they were told, or the intentions that the person telling them all one by one might hold. i was tempted to be a twat about it, but as i began to realise how much courage it must have taken to come and be straight about it with me, it all got very emotional quite quickly

it took a while but i learned, even if it had to hit me rough the hard way, that no one will be invested in anything that i might have to say. so while i sort-of just carried on with my life, i started to pull away from the social media because it wasn’t doing anything for me. i was evidently pretty fucking hilarious to a lot of people and – after some of the “i’m taking the piss out of you in a group chat” monologues that i got sent sometimes by the pseudosentient – it wasn’t at all for the right reasons

what brought my online presence back was … right i couldn’t find anything that was compatible with this fucking memory card. 512GB on a tiny little chip what a brilliant time to be alive. now a normal person [apparently] would have got bored trying to find something on ^{[amazon or similar data mining facilitator]} have a hand shandy via their preferred pornography then fall asleep so they can wake up to a brand new day

my approach to this was a bit different

it was about day 7 or day 8 … i could go to sleep any time i wanted and there was fuck all to do because it was christmas time so what’s the rush? oof this fucking memory card! £26 i got one for me and dad as well because this much storage in a mere pixel of the whole universe for so cheap was a piss take so i had to take the piss twice. it’s true … the things you own end up owning you. i couldn’t rest until i found something that supported this memory card – all my little technical gadgets nothing who the hell needs a useless little micro SD card so much?

the quest of the 2 memory cards
ask anyone who still sees or talks to me, they will rightfully attest. it was like … i went from having nothin and sensing no future, become the king because i needed to be that so i could sort out the other things; that i needed exclusively because the memory card demanded more power; that’s all my heart and mind’s been telling me since i began to hear it that last christmas time. more strength, more substance, more poweeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr this barrier that takes all my strength to keep in place to stop any of my world from spilling into yours, was being consumed by time-lapsed examples and demonstrations, plans, technical literature, strategically timed communication, meticulously measured and surgically executed phases people who do project management for a living would be proud of, 95% confidence interval / other six sigma schtick forecasting the coefficient of stoic / “banter”

quickly concluded: i went from a very dark and empty place, to being physically and deeply submerged in all these wires and all this equipment. alone it doesn’t do anything special, wouldn’t be worth seling to anyone, but to me it’s gone almost to the point of telepathy. i am levitating in my room and i can feel / understand all these signals / transmissions interacting with me. i can fucking see the matrix … and it was all because of this fucking memory card

if i could go back to the momentous beginning of this butterfly bandwagon, about to pop pandora’s precious jewellery box; where i clicked “checkout now” for _{x2 qty} of a piss-takely priced memory card? if i could have foreseen what happened since, there is no way i would have left so many [subsequent] things to chance. i’m glad i did. i’m proud that i did. that was an accomplishment in itself for someone like me. but in hindsight would i change any of it? nahhh i don’t think so

cards on the table
yes. if you were wondering, it’s true … i have some of the weaknesses that i like to write about. people ask me to write some of these things, in the form of what they told me they like in casual conversation, tailor made to fit the very things that make my literature actually be exactly what they want to hear, definitely what they like to think

i became better than what i am, and not just for a fucking memory card. right now i don’t know what i want … and it feels so good to be like that after a while back i had the opposite – knowing exactly what i want and not having it. i might throw you a bone once in a while but that’s because sometimes i can laugh at myself, and other people’s happiness – whether they use it as a weapon or not – does nothing to infuriate me. i’ve lived here all my life, where it’s a local phenomenon for people to mean their happiness to cause pain or suffering / misc. malicious intent upon others … there is nothing new that you can show me, without interacting with me

so here you are. you came to me, and you read what i write. no longer clogs up your precious feed with things you don’t wanna read. you don’t get a validation request to approve or deny. [i miss the bitchy face pictures though] there’s no _{[westid] messenger™} for you to scroll up or screen shot. well, to be fair there is … and if you were clever you would all be using it

every day, maybe you check me for updates when you’re heading somewhere that comes my way. tho i don’t really need to know, for some reason you’re coming here. some purpose i serve, however unspoken, perhaps playing a role in your game. well i’ll tell you the same thing all the imaginary people who aren’t really there get told … i’ve got everything i need. now you give me a real one, or i’m not playin.

a real one, or i’m not playin. not anymore.