westid

i’m not bitter or jealous, or desperate, or vengeful. i can be ridiculous but i don’t need your assistance to accomplish that. it always comes down to i wish that some certain people would make acquaintance with me in another context, because the best ones always come with some bull shit that maintains a wall and keeps me on the other side of it. it’s just another technicality that doesn’t even properly matter

so many times i’ve looked at someone while they are talking to me and thought to myself – if we happened across one another in any other way at all, there would be no need to go anywhere else, there would be no pressure to carry on talking. even better than that: our encounters would finally stop being all about me, and i wouldn’t need an angle or some excuse to admit to the person in front of me that i find them fascinating / interesting / challenging. that i could ask them what they are all about. that i don’t care if what they have to tell me is a long story, because i could sit here and listen to their voice and the way that they tell it until neither of us had noticed – we were so engaged in one another – neither even noticed it’s gone dark out here because we were so interested in each other that we forewent the pedestrian peasantries like the day and the night

yeah sure, there’s no end of people to talk to. but whenever i get to talk to someone it’s never about them and it’s always something to do with me. sure i have a lot to say, but once i’ve got it all out of the way then i feel so empty. when i meet someone who i like, it’s always in some emotionally detached / predictably boring / complete absence of feeling or passion, sort of way. i will tell them that i don’t see a lot of people with whom i would like to chill until the sun goes down. sometimes they claim that i could get help trying to find people in a place, at a time, albeit with completely no guarantee that anyone i would want to spend time with is there. anyone that i might find interesting

on top of that, the whole idea of these random free food fuelled group gatherings, is completely robbed of any substance (in my opinion, at least) because – confession time here – that whole thing is redundant, apparently. i think that’s what makes me feel like shit the most … there have been one or two people who have made me think prohibited things like i don’t want to lurk around a room full of bag heads’ anonymous… looking for stimulating company because as far as i’m concerned i need look no further / you’re in front of me why even bother with a venue

there i am, even still the people about whom i am thinking full-on came out of nowhere. there was no “type” or other criteria for me that they have met to any particular standard. i haven’t assigned a numeric of rating. there is no prominent need to proposition either of them for sex. they are interesting, at least to me. whatever set up they might have choreographed in order to test me, i have probably walked right into it and justified some kind of criticism – just like any other person who you could hope to meet and be intrigued by, such that you want to know more – but the only difference about the whole thing is where you met them and, making this even more arbitrary, why

i’ve had a very unusual life. i’m a bit of an unusual person. you could speculate that either one of these things is because of the other. there’s no point working on being more usual, but no matter what sort of unusual shit goes on whether or not it’s because of me – it didn’t stop someone being nice to me. i don’t want anything from them, but it hits me a bit hard just thinking that i’d like to wake up one day soon and suddenly find myself already chilling with <them> and to top it off there was no need to make an appointment for it

from my perspective, it feels a bit rough thinking about how it doesn’t matter if they like what i have to say or not – all i can do is keep talking, tell them everything, because this is the most pleasant company i’ve had in a long time and although it’s inevitable sooner or later, i just want to hang on a little bit more; i don’t want it to end

it doesn’t exactly consume my every waking thought to be fair; heart still beating, things still doing. what am i so unfair in asking for, really? well i’m not really asking for anything. i wish sometimes tho. sometimes i wish one of these people would knock on the door and let me listen to them for a bit. i could stay up listening to them all night if only they would give me the time of day. find out all the things i was wrong about, get to know just what the hell is going on out there, not to mention hope for the things that i actually want to be wrong about. it’s not a big cloak and dagger conspiracy nor deep down do i think that, but it’s time to put down the guessing game. the zero sum game

sad reality: no one will come, nothing will happen, the opposite of interesting. somehow it’s my fault. it always is. i’m going to do a little exercise to finish this sentiment off- and think of someone who would never give me a chance to know them as any other person they just casually met; without some twatty, sterile compartmentalised vocational caseload context. i have one chance to tell that person why i regret that, and open their eyes to the man behind all that emotionally laminated glass – who can make you feel his love, big shock, just as real as any of the other real people you met in candid circumstance

look at me. not in my general direction, use your mind and picture me. forget what you think i’m holding onto and accept me as i am. try to remember what you felt like the last time you wanted to hurt my feelings. is that what you really wanted? what do you say when you talk to people who don’t know me? does it come from your feelings? does it stem from your loyalty to someone else?

saturday night:
tonight i was going to start off some big diatribe that would waste all evening taking the time to write but i can’t be assed anymore. i don’t need to remind myself by demonstrating to you how someone [anyone] would rather solder their genitalia shut than come and talk to me on the shittest night of the weekk

truth is i wish i could chill with you in your cozy “last pub standing” venue / secret garden with solar powered fairy lights / fancy middle class conservatory underneath the stars

you wouldn’t even need to say anything to me, but it would be nice to hear someone say something interesting if they are up for giving me a tipsy telling of how the way the world works and what it is &c.

i don’t even drink. i’m not part of some temperance movement or anything, actually i would probably have a few cans if there were any going spare – it’s just not very often i am in a situation where there are people in the first place to join for a drink

you probably have the best squad living your best life getting your best everything. i’m just trying to wind people up on the off chance that i cajole someone into having a conversation with me. there’s no point pretending that my life is perfect. i have all the things i need, and they all work. but what are things really without the people? i used to be submerged in an abundance of people. now i’m not sure i even know what one is

i’m going to leave it at that because i’ve proven time and again that this makes no difference to anything. goodnight, my dear readers. if you want to do something nice in the spirit of me, reach out to someone special to you tonight. make them feel like they will never need another person ever again because they have got all the people and it’s good craic and good company for the duration

sinabit.