today isn’t as momentous for most people as it should have been for me. i’ve officially kept all of the promises i made [or my end of the bargain when i’ve been screwed]
watching the noisy people make noise, a kind of 6am vibe with the brasses going to work. or doing what they can to get what they want … *smirk*
once upon a time someone promised me that they were going to give me my saturdays back. ironic because back then they were the real deal already i just couldn’t see it. my old mentor paul said the worst thing is not knowing what you want. he didn’t know what he wanted all his life until the very end. but he did more things and had more fun than most people i ever met or otherwise come up against – in many manners of speaking
i always thought it was shit not knowing what you want, because it was like a waste of time. but i had such a good time. and then i had a very good time. then i knew exactly what i wanted, then i didn’t have it. but there’s no point looking for it truth be told
today i locked eyes with someone who i chilled with before i turned that page. we turned a couple of pages ourselves way back when [conspiracy / cascades: inferno] – there were no emotions just eyes. eye contact is a big deal these days apparently. but these days are getting better after today when someone who i really needed to see came my way
in an earlier version of myself i wanted different things. i never pretended any different, even people i’ve sat at the tables in some of the top dens with i told them straight – i should have just stayed with the caviar because that’s what makes [everything] get together and feel alright. cocaine doesn’t last as long or feel as much fun. now i’ve shook it off, sometimes i still enjoy a bit of caviar – it would be better with a couple of people maybe even have a dirty drinky with the pink champaigne to wash it down. i don’t drink on my own though if at all, i could do with a nice little re-acquainting with this beauuudiful town
anyway i thought i knew what i wanted, but when i sorted a few other things out it’s like everything is falling into place now. i thought i wanted the company or the status – but i just had a shit machine / no machine. for some reason that’s been a bit transformative somehow. tech has always been a type of music [in my vocabulary] – but it’s replaced all sorts of terms i would use instead such as machine and system. i couldn’t accept that it was something so simple, but if i look at the time line it matches up. that’s what was really playing on my mind!? i know i was supposed to disappear, but there is nowhere else that is where i belong that i find. i live here might i just remind. what did you think i would vanish because the world’s diminished into nothing and there is nowhere and no one i could get behind?
sometimes like today, it’s
everything else was just meaningless. i gave a fuck about all these things, my brain was lighting up again with things i never noticed before, because i didn’t have nice things anymore. it’s a shame i don’t know anyone’s name or what’s going on but i’ve done some mad shit this week and it’s the weekend no one was ever gonna come round but then i walked into a lamp post and someone i really fucking needed but didn’t realise it gimme a hand and helped me up dust myself off stand up from the ground
fuckin hell that were alright, where else do you reckon it would be good to explore. say no more
a great woman once said to me “adopt and adapt” … and then she said here and give me something to live for. i was doing some fucking about with the [approx. 6 months] of footage i’ve accumulated, and something just clicked and a real trooper beamed down. i know i play this song a lot but it feels good to reset and i forget the last time i did but it’s not a moment too soon. fuckin hell i needed that, it’s like a proper chapter is over and a better one is just round the corner
i’ve started fucking about with some equipment and it’s a long time since i did a decent video. haven’t had any good ideas or seen anything inspiring for a while but rendering the file and doing all the other shit by the time that happens makes it all fun and worth it. i’ll put it up here when it’s uploaded because 4K takes all day to fuckin put together so i can post it and press play
thank you – you know who – for coming to me at last. i was beginning to think that i was going mad because it’s like the last thing [someone out there it seemed] wanted was for someone who didn’t get their opinions off folk who didn’t have a fucking clue / anyone to speak to me so that i wouldn’t be able to reach out to anyone ever again, but like i’ve been saying it only takes one person to see the reality of me who had an actual brain
anyway, because i’ve actually got the ability to i’ve stopped for a moment to actually use settings. i wanted to get some of the rain today but the settings took ages, but i’ve got a fat new preset now with all the dressings. i’ve been doing some role play in my writing this week so i thought i’d put that angle on it but i can’t see if it’s decent of not so that will be next week’s “obsessings” [what word would you have used?]
i thought i hadn’t done another cruise for a bit. my first 4K bangerang. enjoy
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