westid

it’s been such a while since i wanted to write something that keeps. maybe something, at least. if i had everything i wanted right now, i would probably never look back. probably chariot for a queen. the queen – not just another pawn who made it to the other side of the board and turned itself upside down to knave me in set a trap for fools. something i want – or what? i wish – no. i’ve used up all my wishes, they don’t want to even look my way any more, and whatever i might say of them will just be another one i retract back because i can feel someone who felt stupid enough to care about me for ten minutes getting so they wanna ignore me now cos it was only a spare thought and that thought is starting to feel a bit sore

what anyway would rely on feelings like mine? presume that i am someone upon whom you can lay all on the ground before me, and that would be fine. not so much malignant, nor virile, maybe just benign. as though i’m not supposed to interpret anyone who felt like indulging me for a few minutes, as any kind of true appreciation or even the most subtle kind of a sign. any time i want to say i care and what happened affects me; all of a sudden i’ve crossed the line, i’m bang out of order for saying yeah i noticed and maybe i did let myself care once or twice and the learning curve takes a suddenly exponential incline. try climbing over that one, sitting here like i’ve been taken by some sort of wild obsession and i’m some crazy fool whose started this weird religious cult and i lay my life down on the altar of this kind of shrine

i’ve eaten my way through reciprocity and i’m running on empty. for a while i made empty so loud and offensive on the senses but all that’s been swept away now and it’s back into this minimalistic design – like it really mattered. empty is empty, be careful what you wish for was so ten years ago. now you can wish for whatever the fuck you want, and you turn up if you want to / you’re going on your own. it’s such an imperative that i’m kept at a distance, they will follow me round and meet one another clandestine – i’ve seen what it looks like when someone has gone through such excruciating pain because they denied their own feelings – really spitefully keeping me in this oubliette confused and alone. i might be so maintained at this wide berth but things are clearer now than they have ever been, i’m the most consistent person you’ve ever seen, and it doesn’t matter what i do now because you’re in such denial you would rather die from the same emptiness you would go out of your way to give me than break ranks with the same people who betray you every time they show you what i’m thinking here and completely annihilate any realistic version of what i feel and how i care, and they won’t stop betraying you until you stop listening to fucking lies and give yourself the best wishes you ever asked for and make your own mind up what i’ll never surrender to, what exactly does he mean?

i seriously doubt anyone even stops to consider things like that anymore. i’ve never been this severed from what’s situated surrounding me before, i don’t want it all; i want what’s real, and true, and with all the feelings about it you couldn’t possibly have a real heart beating inside you to go on and ignore what literally you feel down to your very core the feeling “this is what i really feel like, and it’s the very feeling that i even bother to life for”

i’ve seen that and i’ve felt it. i didn’t need anything or anyone else, it was beautiful, it turned me from someone who didn’t see the point in anything and transformed me into a man who knew what he wanted from then on, even though you only truly know what you want once it’s all gone. but it’s something – should it come my way again – it will be impossible to stop me from keeping on; don’t you think it’s weird, like even though you don’t know me that much, you already know that keeping me away from what i want to do with my life is so very important to someone. what do you think is so important that it involves trying as hard and as persistently to keep me away from everyone? and why do you think, if i was such an horrible person, that sort of thing wouldn’t automatically occur to anyone? sometimes i think there’s some sort of nonsense being said about me to make everyone think there’s a problem with me when there is none. even if this house of cards manages to stay carefully stacked for ages, and it works and this painfully forced effort to keep me alone makes sure i’m never truly known by anybody else – the dominoes will all fall down and the truth will ruin the pretense, and it wouldn’t take some big effort by all of the people to bring the lies crashing down to the ground – and i don’t need everybody to love me to truly be happy, in fact i’d most likely have everything i need and it would only take the grand total of one

i can’t stop now, why would i wanna do that? people aren’t all that stupid. one or two of them can see already and i never had to show them anything special, they can just see what is real and what isn’t, and the dissonance doubles every time someone tries to make out that i’m this horrible sort of person, you can be whoever the fuck you are and say whatever the fuck you want about me – pretty soon you know you’re not that filled with hatred about me – and i’m not going to stay here and keep trying to show you, because sooner or later you’re going to feel just how silly this stilted saccharin really is, and you’re going to open your eyes and use your own mind … and once you look, even i can’t hide it and i’m me; it’s as simple as this –> you’re just going to look, and then you will see…