westid

it has always been difficult to get my message across. over a lifetime (and now that i think about it, it’s been going on now for quite some time) that i have managed to survive so far, the way and level of detail required for other people to effectively communicate with one another, that has the kind of second nature about it that most people i can remember had boxed off before they even notice the stage of development that occurs during adolescence

the first person that i ever seen step forward from the safety of a group of people, deliberately so that we would hear his opinion, of his own that he had come up with more carefully / over a longer and more observant period of time than the current conversation taking place, and in between similar conversations that had previously taken place. it was in 1998, i think i was ten years old – the only opinion i think i had bothered to make, that even registered as something i wanted an opinion about, had to be adidas. uh oh here i go on another one, sometimes i just can’t help myself sorri; i didn’t mind the air max, but while i respect others’ may settle for this because they don’t really want that much out of life and they are humble people for it / grateful for what they have, my future is going to consist of an otherwise completely endless, seamless, uninterrupted, undivided, beautiful adornment of as much of myself as is humanly possible for my whole life time:

THE MAN WITH THE THREE STRIPES
sorry ./.. from then on and unwaivering in my determination, integrity, resolve, sheer force of will
this finger can deal with any cricicism ./.. and this other finger ./.. is on the other line waiting to hear your complaints

anyway all of this bullshit / convoluted accumulation of text wandering astray from the direct thing i said when it first began. just all bullshit. all pretending there is anything going on more than this fucking basic thing that i can’t really appreciate with anyone / probably took the wrong way in the first place. people sit with me for hours on a regular basis but i don’t think even they can understand because they would never really be interested / need to know

the other day, my like: limited brain was fucking well unable to process something you might, as a normal person i mean, consider to be a bit of a shock. but if you legit knew about me: you know, all of a sudden mikhail gorbachev interrupts your television broadcast to give you an urgent announcement

soviet buses would start arriving nearby to start the evacuation, even though it’s england / 2024 outside – nobody in pripyat noticed how seriously someone was taking this either; they only thought that they would be gone for a few days

meanwhile, somewhere you would never ever get to see, i let something in recently that basically doesn’t fucking exist save for some of my creatively illustrated / “fucking hell that would be tailor made for ^{[my real name]}” – sort-of worst case scenario things i sit there taking the piss out of e.g. how X i would be if Y actually happened blahblah

these ridiculous things remind me about how boring the world really is, how much that includes things people always do to normalise me out of existence / other things that work when I start to impulsively crave some sort of chaos, that grounds me in reality. consider this …

sometimes i will find someone adorable like awww none of your organs have been blackened yet. i will pretend like this isn’t blatantly the way that everyone else sees me, but even though i can be naive / easily led / susceptible to certain things – i will probably know exactly how adorable someone is before i start acting like that sort of twat. i do have a sense of humour u know, sometimes i like being a bit of a dick head because i chat shit all the time non stop and i can’t help but try and wind someone the fuck up it is something that comes very naturally to me

i know it was just me being this egotistical twat like always, but this time … i can’t give how next level this truly is away … just take these things as they are – someone like irritated me for a little bit; rrrrgh, perfect, no leverage, actually more morally intact than me, no vice burning away in them that everyone fucking has with no exception no one, i know that everyone i have seen up this close turned out to be hiding something – i have rooted out so many people their private perversions in minutes. why do i suddenly doubt that it’s even true – so many eyes will be rolling by now it wouldn’t take much of a theo-logical expert to figure out if you are incidentally new to the game – basic matter of fact: there aren’t a lot of ways i am actually irritated by someone

a) when i see this kind-of flawless example start to transform forever i know the process is irreversible, so it makes me feel some sort of privilege to be allowed to watch / try and interact with, talk to, somehow as i know first hand the most unpredictable and irresistible thoughts and feelings disarm you, completely ambush you, when these vices that i will already be so intrigued and interested to see in the first place start to corrupt you … even the most innocent ivory will crave those drops of tainted black just for the fact that they know it will spread darkness in between their purity, rendering them forever and ever

b) the other kind – the one i really worry about. the fate that i sat there tempting for weeks. another irreversible transformation that i like to watch up close, and makes me feel alive in a very different way. the moment i dared myself to say something out loud that the annoyingly prominent shining role model of integrity sat before me would be too perfect to not resist the fuckin tsunami of dopamine that i was calling out to the devil as a general do me a favour sort-of-thing

anyway the adrenaline sort-of gave me the cojones to like – unknowingly carry on what i was saying without giving a fuck that no one was probably listening in the first place – and i still would have not been assed about it to this moment / convinced of any sentience going on about it other than boringly my own. this one thing, changed fucking everything. i wish like fuck i had never noticed it – like all that was needed was the same lack of attention to detail for this one fraction of a second and i would be talking about something completely different entirely, my head wouldn’t be fucking mangled, wouldn’t [even for me] have deteriorated into raw ridicule in the fucking slightest

not going to fucking make anything even worse – all you need to know is that one brain-dead whoops i make all the time and get away with because no one is usually listening happened – and it’s like this horrible, decadent, gradual / threatening / really frightening / completely fucking brilliant by-the-way-dicked lesson was delivered that took advantage of the already evident unease in the form of this transition that seemed to like know exactly how to slowly ruin the fuck out of my head – i only noticed by accident, i wish i had never noticed, can never go back to that peace of mind forever now – where this harmless like image i had been so comfortable with all this time, started to be like not-so-harmless, started to make me ask myself weird questions like what have i done? and utter weird things all of a sudden like oh my god. deep down inside starting to make me have weird flashes of adrenaline and dopamine that seemed to coincide with the ruminating shit i also fell fuckin hook line for, and reliably winds myself up in all sorts of effective ways

anyway after i realised no one was gonna follow on from or try and top that, i was experiencing shit that i had not noticed was going on in this shadow standing behind me, like all this black smoke was like conjuring itself behind me but i was like paralysed with raw fear like when i have one of my nightmares and can’t move – it put its hand on my shoulder and i couldn’t sleep anymore, started goin a bit west in the head because of that, it was all running the fuckin meter and leaving me with no option sort-of things where i fuckin wish i didn’t see it but can’t hide from someone and certainly can’t fake to ruin my life in any way – i know what i saw, and i know what i wanted to see – and this was the fuckin moment that broke it all

the sleep deprivation i didn’t give that much of a shit about / really notice until now all of a sudden scared the shit out of me. so many things had changed, were / still are left to chance, it gave me everything i needed to try and make the one chance i got to reach out over all of it – it was sort of still going on / developing from the fuckin emotional slap i had to fucking notice and when it really dawned on me that my head was falling off and everything i took for granted just didn’t feel like it was there any more [and never has since] and once i let all this uncertainty and fear just leap out of me, i saw this like flash of light that couldn’t have been real, shouldn’t have been so fed by my situation like that, and for that horrible / critical moment something else completely looking back at me. i can’t un-see that look, it’s the sort of thing i immediately identify with / couldn’t be deliberately used even after seeing the absolutely flawless sight that gripped me still / was just the beginning of something that has just carried on developing [probably because i realise how fuck all i actually know at all, and is now something i can only surmise is anyone’s guess]

anyway i know it’s unusual that any of this could be something i allowed to leave so completely to chance, but i have been trying to reach the place that fuckin look was watching me from. fuck it ruin my life / fuck me up / not assed about any other person that might be a real fucking threat now, fine whatever my character’s already fucked, don’t care. i wouldn’t have made that up, and no one would have known about me even on that unusual and completely well-done-dickhead level i used to think about to bring me back to reality … now it’s probably not difficult for anyone to guess if i’ve got anything better to do than try to forget about, yeah right. i’m not going to ask anything about letting me go, because that would mean an end come what may. i’ve already followed so much without questioning any of it – you could be forgiven for thinking that all the things i’ve not cared about for months all of a sudden, are somehow connected to my difficulty accepting this. yeah i have always left control on the edge of my grasp, but i can’t think of what might happen to someone as comprehensiveoly monged as me if i were suddenly unable to snatch it back before i start trying to reach out so nervously like that ever again any time soon if i can help it. but i would probably go through some shit if i thought anything about who was looking back at me might be there. the sort of detail that i am far too ignorant [inattentive] to pick up on all of the rest of the time, but this creature inside of me made sure i didn’t walk away from this time