westid

if i ever win the lottery, the first thing i’d pay for is the taxi to go the rest of the fuckin way when it pulls up outside mine every morning. do us all a favour …

it’s certainly been a long time since i’ve been near any grapevine but recently i was curious enough to find out. fuck. in. hell. to be objective about the whole thing, i’ve got to give credit where credit is due. whoever comes up with this shit i will never know, has an incredible imagination. not credible in the slightest. and i don’t know who is the biggest cunt, the people sad enough to go around saying it / the people foolish enough to actually believe it

naively, i thought that people would forget about me and move on to something else to talk shit about. you know, because i’ve kept my head down and just got on with my shit, it wouldn’t be that much of a reach to believe that other, more important, probably more interesting topics or personalities would have come to light by now? surely

round here though it doesn’t just get taken out of context / distorted from person to person. it evolves. at least some sort of evolution is going on, but still primate-ive in hearts and minds. did any of you ever do something at school where you pass a bit of paper or a book around the class room and everyone it comes to writes the next bit of a story? well i’m truly aghast, and not sure whether to be impressed by / take pity upon the poor fools who are actually taken in by this shit. same people who laughed at me for bein the gullible cunt. just for doing the same shit that all of you do every day, in your own space, and your own way

i’ve done some stupid shit yeah, but fuck sake, come on. to be fair some of it was pretty hilarious to listen to. you just have to laugh, and i don’t feel as though i’m so put down by it any more. in the past, things were different because the truth mattered to me and i felt like i owed to certain people an explanation or, in the very least, my side of whatever bollocks was going round

nowadays i’m not assed what people think. yeah they will ask me about it if they bump into me anywhere, and i couldn’t lie straight in bed i’ve never been good at it and it just makes pressure that’s already there even worse. i’m not saying that i’ve never told a lie. everybody lies about something at some point. but jeeeeeesus

in the past people have told me that i should write a book about my adventures some day, having witnessed first person some of the ridiculous things that have taken place in my general orbit. however; over this last few weeks or so, i’m wondering where i can pre-order myself a copy

sometimes, and i just take their word for it because what choice do i have, they knew it was bull shit. they’ve spent enough time with me to know what sort of person i am. but by and large… how can i give anyone my side of the story, about something that never even happened? i understand what happens to your thoughts / feelings / even actions, in the mind of a wired person. when a person is wired, you’re not always dealing with the same person they are when they’re not wired. i’ve seen people get paranoid, start picking up hatchets and barricading the front door just in case. i do some weird shit when i’m wired and do just the same feel guilty about it later. but lately i’ve come to realise that not everyone understands this

it’s been a very long time since i last sat around that living room table. there are new people sitting at that table now, and there are people i’ve known since way back with whom i wasn’t ready to sit, not really. i was recently speaking to someone about things like going back in time, what could have been done differently, save one’s self from the regrets that have come to be, etc. and he told me something i heard; i would have done it all the same, every mistake, every little victory, every fuck up, every success – because all that was what made me the person that i am now. and even if it was possible to pull at some of those loose threads, it would unravel the tapestry of my life

absolution, i’m starting to think, is not so much a virtue but a milestone. no one can always give you a straight answer about what is right or wrong, in every situation that comes in your life. sometimes, there is no answer. i always see the good in someone, and not always by conscious choice; rather in my nature. yeah, that’s brought about some truly dire straits, many of which (in someone else’s shoes, i’m sure) could have been perfectly avoided. but everyone’s a genius in hindsight. everything’s obvious in hindsight. nothing’s a gamble in the past, only an outcome

one saving grace? maybe. here and there, shaking heads at the very mention. not even worth their attention. even people i’ve only just met, who know how exaggerated these tales can get. if i was even half of the horrible things that people i’ve never met have been told all about, it wouldn’t have taken five minutes for the people who know me better than that to figure out

i’m not gonna go around pleading to everyone my innocence, or trying to convince people i’m not this bad sort of person, because i don’t need to. this is my contribution to the world; my emotions, my thoughts. i no longer have the fucking hubris to write things that run the risk of defacating themselves on your sacred “social” screen scrolling session routine. nevermore will you have to endure my unfiltered doggerel, juxtaposed against your elegantly written prose or your pretty selfies and holiday restaurant photos

if you want to know what inspires me to write, just look inside. i like lots of things, so does anyone. there are things that i want out of life, just like you. i have ambitions sometimes, just like you. not the sharpest jack in the box, but i know what love it. i have feelings just like you. maybe i’ve got it wrong. maybe i should be flattered that so many people took a bit of their time thinking and talking about me, and it has amounted to what i surmise a brilliant collectively creative masterpiece – that all these people have put together, showing their appreciation for the difference that i have somehow made, even if a lot of it is only fictional, to their life. perhaps, beckoning me to go on and shine a light into the autopilot braindead darkness of their lives

well, whatever your opinion is – i know some of you have some real appreciation, in the letters and emails that you have written to me – i left it for a couple of days such that i could avoid this being nothing more than a new year, new me cliché, the show must go on. and some of the plans i’ve got going on right here, i’ll try and make it fun not just for me but for all of you. your support and understanding, in some cases patience, that you have given to me – i couldn’t be grateful enough. i hope that i give you the good times you have definitely given me, and for many more to come