most of my thoughts are nothing but romantic on the surface. when someone says that they need help with something, it doesn’t matter if they have got me. like i waste all this time on being reliable or useful to everyone that i care about; but when it comes down to it, no-one thinks of me like i’m a viable option. in one way i’m not – don’t want to be a fuckin option. in any other, as long as you’re not taking the piss i would be there for here and right now. i try to go to sleep when it’s on my mind but it never works. when i pass out and my being conscious finally gets out of the way then i see all sorts of people they need help – in similar ways that i need help, and the bit that crushes me about it is that they need in the way that i need, but too proud or withdrawn with guilt to come to me
there, look. and in the same frustrating fashion, i can identify that in others but not myself. or only because i have that in myself, i can see only what hurts them, what they are afraid of, why they seek to keep themselves than set one another free.
yeah, people say all sorts of shit and putting it in all kinds of different ways but to the attuned you can hear through the literal and out comes the shape of the abstract. ‘please, mister. this hurts more than anything that ever hurt me physically in all of my lifetime’ ‘i never wanted this, i wanted my life to mean something’ … usually complicated with a ‘someone’
i’m an addict. all that means is that i want to turn everything up to eleven. when it’s all or nothing, then what’s the opposite of eleven? is it negative one, negative eleven, or just fucking painful from every approachable angle …
i get up in my sleep and fall over things. it hurts me full force in the shin, or the face, or even both. it never hurt me more than the ones that hurt me in real life – even throughout my wildest dreams. i can see the way into the next building through the back, but it still brings me out onto manchester road again. even if i spring out of bed and check the view outside really fast, i’m never truly going to live there. but if it weren’t for an hotel and some grid reference on a map – i already would
sometimes i hear from them and i am always glad to do so. i’m hurting real bad theo, is there anywhere we can go? …. i dunno theo. if you don’t know where you’re going then any road will take you there?
reight then.
hit the road
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