westid

another brilliant day. another broken dream on the way. another errand to go and run. one at a time, in the usual sequence. the mad reality of people, just stopped talking to me one by one until fuck it just what exactly is the point? i’ve obviously missed the point, and if i didn’t then i would be able to at least know why – and twist the knife handles out of my back. but nah, fuck off and find out. i’m sorry i have things to do now where i went to find out

i got upset to see the process of another light that goes out, then another one. another one then. i got rid of all the noise and the lights, the apps, i’ve uninstalled them. getting my phone out, tapping on blank spaces where this, or that, used to be. used to be. not anymore. well yeah even i can take a hint after long enough. obviously, but it’s not obvious to me. it doesn’t matter any more. i’m grateful for the good times and i did try everything i can

whenever i go searching for a ticket out of here, all i get is a load of errors on the screen. TALK TO SOMEONE. absolute genius why did i not think of that one before now? duh, obviously

you can’t even set up your search terms to leave the nonsense out. HELP ME THEN: * shitty numbers and QR codes coming up all over the search engine * if i’m ever in a crisis, there’s a special number that i can dial if i want to TALK TO SOMEONE, but things have already gone past this point by now so in the grand scheme of things, it never really was going to matter. well, it mattered to me for a while

don’t face it alone. confide in a close friend. someone you trust in your “support network” and the support network’s been scaffolded long ago. what’s it going to be, a surprise? a nice surprise, i hope. getting a bit weary of the surprises now. what’s even worse is that – even with it all – at least i can confide in a close friend so that i don’t face it alone. i can’t see any flaws in that plan, but it’s alright now because it’s in the past. peripheral. sorted.

go out and do something different, get a change of scene. Meet up with some people, get a fresh perspective. come out of your comfort zone. grow a pair. man up. chin up. fucking hold on, let go, hold on, let go – which is it then?

do i hold on? or let go? well i’ve made preparations for both. you know, just in case that a fresh pair of eyes. heads, hold on. tails, let go

hold on to what? that’s a new one, at least. what am i supposed to ‘hold on’ to? nah, when you’re free falling you can either flap your arms and legs about so that they can still identify you afterwards, or you put your hands behind your head, tuck your head between your legs, and fuckin kiss your ass goodbye

no need for snakes on a plane. you can jump out of the plane. you can remember who was or who wasn’t, and shit like that some other time, i’ve got some things that i need to sort out first. then i go shopping for planes

.. eeazy