westid

i knew one way or another, out of time.

do you remember me? did you know anything that you could remember anyway? the vortex whirling around me began as a gust of wind. it arrived to catch up with me at the worst times possible. whenever i thought i had done enough this time, it would come back. doubling in strength every time. the inevitable atrition that is.

i tried to erase it all. in fact, for quite a long time and effectively so, i succeeded with the bare minimal of momentum. those people, doing a freeze frame for the camera going around the room, mannequins. it’s always fascinating to know what someone will remember, or at least to guess. i think what you remember depends on what sort of person you are. you can take this at fase value and look at the obvious du jour cliché: real or imaginary, snakes and ladders, true or false, snooker

be careful what you wish for. i wished for a lot of shit, and instead of the standard one-sided conversation with god [just in case, y’know?], i actually did get what i wanted. along came the visits, the dreams, all at once gravity threw itself into reverse and i was fired into the sky, falling away. i just wanted to forget. not forget, but only remember and think about good things. replacing things with platitudinal pithée instead of dealing with the things – a bit harder to stomach, but over and done with in a fraction of the time

pancakes were wonderful last night. i saw this car this person i know at night as i had done the day in the same sort of place. driving around me the once, i wondered into the tinted window opaque, trying to guess what sort of face, if any, was on the other side of it. once, and a fond memory of that time i have, we could tell what each other were thinking in a heartbeat. it was the only time i can remember where i didn’t feel absolutely surrounded from start to finish

well, it’s time to suit up again and face this next thing. this next thing is always the last thing when it’s the first thing. you are given at birth only the strength and capacity to deal with one of these things at a time. there is no way out. only by saying what they want you to say because they took every other choice away. you haven’t taken me away, i’m still here. you will always be with me, i never missed a second. here are the choices you will be left with when you get here: heads, tails. anything in between is an headfuck or someone who needs you to satisfy their unspoken and angrily denied psychological loathing

i can’t be the way you remember me. you can’t top the way i feel about it all now, having been said and done. the longer it goes on, the more impact it has when you find a cause worth standing for. worth fighting for. worth dying for. this is totally different

since 2017 and the inferno, that descent into madness came on ever deeper. i wasn’t ready to know back then, and i nearly paid the ultimate price, that the wisdom of years and people turns out to be the madness itself

don’t be a slave to prejudice and greed. a propagator of the apathetic gossip machine. a fool for love. a moment in all that there is. your only hope.