westid

nothing ever made me feel more masculine than when i’ve resisted temptation. and now that i mention it, i have never been attacked by so many people for the same one reason. one day i found out that my entire social life was built around one person’s ambition to lose her virginity and get married to the first person she fucks. i did the unthinkable: i got really comfortable and didn’t complain about anything. it was like bait that couldn’t be more obvious if it was thrown at my head on a sunday morning. point fuckin blank.

now when you say no they call you names behind your back. fuck it, they would rather betray you than doing something radical, like talking to you about it. for some reason i can see the entire structure, where it is vulnerable, when it was once second nature. and when it’s leading me down the path. to be fair to me though, it wasn’t as if anyone put up much of a fight before just abandoning any sense of loyalty or respect. in the space of a week, every key worker that i know about at least, completely changed their attitude towards me and would keep trying to fuck with me and really i was fine with it, but then this poxy office culture started to get in the way

i had a dream last night and in the dream i was gurning. it would surprise most selectively ignorant people, that i actually forgot what that feels like. it would disappoint anyone who ought to know better that it’s been a very long time. i’ve got autism. i still don’t want to believe it, but deep down inside of me the path between denial and acceptance is inexorable as it advances ever further toward me =(

there is no purpose but it’s ok i will create one. time keeps going really fast and then slowing right down. i have had a change in medication. sometimes i think that when i get full of beans the stimulus response is going to harder to handle than it actually turns out to be

ultimately the conclusion to this kind of situation ran its course textbook, and i start thinking things like “i miss stimulants” and that weird exciting, mystified feeling that i get when everything is going the way that i want it to begins to build up inside of me. i’m no stranger to drugs; trust me, when it’s on it’s onnn!! but this time it’s been longer than it has ever been since the start of my career, and so i’m building up the confidence and tolerance for everyday things that always try and bring me down with their misanthropic office “work place banter” idiots who just sit there and tell you that they are not going to do anything to help me deal with a couple of things i need to for some nonsense reason

i can’t say that i started my medication again with completely innocent intentions, to be fair i wasn’t expecting it to make much of a difference because for the one time in my life i actually forgot what it feels like

i’m just wondering where can i go to for help with this sort of thing. if you have ever been through this:- that exciting naughty feeling, ever burgeoning relentless, of a neurostimulus response – you know how hard it is to resist that feeling, right? well i’ve resisted it. i might have my weaknesses but so does any man. i might have my patience but i’m only human, though on average i am more likely to say no to something that gives me that feeling, that gets me there

although i’ve had the characteristics of an autistic person for my entire life, i am being treated like a drug addict. if i told you some of the horrible things people in positions of power have done to me, i doubt that you would believe what i’m saying anyway. simply because of how ridiculous the whole thing has been, will be, and – much to my detriment – still is.

since my change in medication [about 3 weeks], i’ve noticed that when i want to grip some cunt i’m still just pure rage. however, since i’ve got my adhd tablets back i’ve noticed that this bitter and nonproductive feeling when someone has been taking the piss only happens for about 45 seconds and then the rage goes away aghain. everything i try to do, everyone who i turn to for help, has to make a big drama about their uninformed – people who know fuck all about me -‘s opinion. thus we realise the ultimate conclusion of medication changes: happily ever after. just think about it …

now i get a bit of a breather because it’s saturday. i remember once someone who promised we were going to get my saturdays back. i was born on a saturday, it was my favourite day of the week for most of my life. she was going to marry me the saturday after my next birthday. i don’t think people would have decided to come, but when you really love someone and you have that feeling every time you find yourself around them, things like how many people turned up for you don’t seem to matter any more =)